Yes, it is true. I do all too frequently blog. I haven't written in forever and my fingers are itching to share!
A couple months ago my brother was over for dinner. I was in need of draining hamburger and so I turned on the water to follow it down the sink. I also pushed the faucet aside so the hamburger pan had room.... the faucet drained all over the back of our counter and thus, I became known as the ocean maker to Tristan.
I will say, I have a habit of making spills or leaving messes, be it washing my face, rinsing vegetables, giving Logan a bath, taking one myself. Doing the dishes at my grandma's is no exception. Just a general splatter on the floor, an ocean. I'm sure I make my grandma cringe when I volunteer.
I will also say that I felt the need to share this because this morning has been a wet one.
Pest control came out this morning because we found some bugs in our bathroom, apparently male termites looking for females. Anyways, Tristan worked graveyard and was in bed and Logan snuck up and took mommy's spot and was sorting through my pillows and I thought nothing of it til he knocked over my water.... full glass.
Not ten minutes later I went to have a bowl of cereal and opened the dishwasher and Tristan's "special" cup slowly pours out and spills All over the floor. It's special because of its size.
What a gloriously wet morning!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Olivia of the Day
Last week I was laying on my side watching cartoons cuddled up with Logan. I had my hand on my belly as a habit and I felt the first kick from the outside. I know it starts out slow but I got so excited for the moment when Tristan could feel her.
Last night I couldn't sleep, and apparently neither could she. She was kicking away but Tristan worked graveyard and I was worried he would miss it. He got in around 6:30am and came to bed and we talked a little bit and we went to roll over and go to bed and behold! She kicks! I told him to try and feel her and he put his hand on my tummy and for the first time, he could. She kicked for quite a bit and it was probably my best pregnant moment so far. ♥
Last night I couldn't sleep, and apparently neither could she. She was kicking away but Tristan worked graveyard and I was worried he would miss it. He got in around 6:30am and came to bed and we talked a little bit and we went to roll over and go to bed and behold! She kicks! I told him to try and feel her and he put his hand on my tummy and for the first time, he could. She kicked for quite a bit and it was probably my best pregnant moment so far. ♥
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Logan of the Day
- Kimber was recently given the middle name of Irene, me lacking something to call her when she was in trouble. So, when she's begging or we find dog hair in our mouth, "Kimber Irene!" Logan Alexander found this quite catching in that he calls me "mama roon" when I do something wrong or something is out of place or I'm being yelled at, and of course, Tristan is "dada roon".
- Yesterday he went potty on his own and in his excitement ran out to the front room for me to put his underwear on. I was quite tired and he was turned sideways and I didn't even think anything of it. I went to go to the computer to check my messages and he runs up to me, "mama roon!" I put his underwear on crooked and his little man parts were not fully encased in their underwear. Granted this is somewhat inappropriate it is quite hilarious to me.
- This week, we are no longer mom and dad. We are "Manna Mah" [Amanda Mae] and "Doudan" [Tristan]. Ironically enough I am only mama when he's yelling at me, "Mama Roon!" I find this both cute and frustrating.
- He got a couple medical/vet kits for his birthday and I was laying on the bed after finishing laundry and he decided to bring it and his puppies in the room and check my blood pressure, listen to my heart and check my temp all the while saying, "Manna Mah" when he needed help with the instruments. He's quite the little doctor, and quite the little learner.
- He's been kind of ridiculous this week and being put in to his room for a little bit, and of course making messes. When I feel he's being pretty dang good I tell him he can come out of he picks up his toys, and in the most pathetic whiney voice I get an, "Oh, mama." Well, he Thrashed his room yesterday and I kind of forgot about him til he yelled something at me I didn't understand. He was telling me he cleaned his room. And that he did! All the toys were put in appropriate bins, the toys on the shelf in their usual spot. I to say the least was sooo surprised I called Tristan at work. He did a Great Job!!!
- I received "All I want for Christmas is a Dog, Charlie Brown" for Christmas and in the last few months it has been Logan's favorite. Regretfully it only has two episodes on it. I have loved Snoopy since the 3rd grade and have various collectibles though not as many as I'd like to have and my friend Tina saw this and happened to give me a ... fairly decent sized Snoopy stuffed animal and it's quite nice and quite my favorite. I of course put it in Logan's room seeing as how I have no space in my room right now. This morning Logan asked to watch Charlie Brown [who knew] and was cuddled up with Snoopy and trying to feed him cheerios. It was quite cute.
- Speaking of which, once we found out we were having a girl I high tailed it to Joann's to catch their fabric sale. While looking around I saw huge iron on characters. They did have Snoopy but to my surprise Logan asked for "Charlie Brown". I had no idea what he said at first, this being a new word and Snoopy always being my favorite. Now when we go to Joann's he always says, "Mine Chardee Bown."
- My grandma got me a Snoopy clock a couple weeks ago and I put it in his room, every hour it chimes the Snoopy theme song, and every hour he runs to his room and says, "Mine Chardee Bown Clock!"
Right now I am tired and my thoughts are disjointed. I realize the lack of flow in all of this. I promise to get my act together and stay on top of this little stinker pot.
Saturday, September 25, 2010
The Rise and Fall of Family Ties
Tristan and I endured couples counseling for about a minute, but long enough to learn some things I haven't let go. It drives him nuts when we fight and I scream or he sees me scream and fight with my family and then act like nothing happened the next day... it's what I've become accustomed to unfortunately and I'd love to change it.
He said he tolerated enough screaming and yelling as he was growing up and that it stresses him out. I say to him, it must be nice. He ended up with the family he always wanted, functional and loving, and we went from yelling loud and mean to yelling louder and meaner, which isn't to say it didn't have it's good points... which Is my point.
I grew up with chaos, drama and yelling and to be honest a little bit of smacking. Thing is, my family was there for me. My dad would pick me up every weekend to hang out, to go see my grandparents, for strawberry milk and donuts. We would float down the river in the summer time. My uncle was there for me in the best ways he could be, he'd take me in as one of his own and invite me along on trips. We'd all go fishing at 3-4am. I used to go skating and bowling. I used to be surrounded by my family to the point where it'd make you sick and now... I am all alone.
I think I lost them about the time I turned 17-18yrs old. I'm a big girl now? I can do it on my own? For years it was hello's here and there and not so much more as a glance.
Call me stupid but I thought that in having my son I might get the opportunity to see my family again in the fact that they might actually want to know him. Boy was I wrong. Ya, I'm sure they love me and I'm sure they love him but does it do good for the feelings when your own dad can't come visit you to see his grandson after he's born? Does it not hurt that you have to wait roughly 3 months for them to meet?
Does it not hurt more that your entire family starts to distance themselves as you actually try and get your life in order? Should I feel okay that no one could celebrate his first birthday formally? That my own mother rushed around that morning and couldn't help me make his cakes and then as the party started went birthday shopping and showed up late only to whine and complain that there was no food left and she was hungry? How rude of me!?!??! Not only that but the games I had set were turned in to jokes and cuss words and derogatory terms were strewn all over them while every body laughed and said, Logan will think it's funny when he's older. I spent my sons first birthday crying my eyes out, completely hurt.
Tristan ended up making it better by making him a beautiful formal cake and going the distance to help me celebrate my sons birthday and his family was there to help eat the cake. His family, whom I had known for just a few short months.
Some people think that I'm spoiled, that I'm oh so lucky and blah blah blah. Yes, I love that I have no mother that I can talk to when I'm having a bad day or call just to share something good with her. When I call my mother I get a, "what are you doing?" I say my words and good or bad I get cut off to listen to hours of her bitching and problems and when I interrupt to say, "hey, I called you, III need to talk!" I get called a selfish rude bitch and hung up on. When I try and do family functions I get stood up at the last minute by pathetic excuses, and I know the woman. I grew up with her. I know how to get out of anything with all the stories I've heard and I can tell when someone can't show up and wants to and when they don't want to.
My biological sperm donor, another great example of disappointment in my life. Show up every couple months or more whenever the new girlfriend needs to see how great of a person he is because "he has a daughter" only to skip out for a year or more. I can't recall the countless fall throughs, or the shitty enough fourth of July I was having only to have him say, "Hey, come spend it with me.... but you have to drive because I've been drinking and on the way to our destination you'll say something I didn't hear right and deck you in the face because of it... but it's okay... I love you and you should take that shit." I am not your mother, I am not your girlfriend. I am not a weak person and I will Not tolerate violence or offenses against me. Months went by before we talked again, maybe more. Never anything nice to say.
When I went in to labor though, he was there when it was over and brought me flowers and ordered pizza and picked up My diapers, ya I said it. For the next two months he would come by now and again to hold Logan and see him, make jokes at me and the final words I longed to hear .... "I missed out on your life and wasn't there for you when you were growing up and I want to be here for Logan. I'll be by to bbq next Thursday." That was the last time I heard from him.
My uncle, who used to think it was funny to call himself uncle dad, was awesome. He would take me in as his own and I would spend the weekend there and help out with the kids and have delicious food and just... relax. They would go places and I was invited. He took care of me for some time... then along with his marriage our relationship fell apart and our long conversations turned in to middle fingers and rude remarks. Now when I see him I don't know if I should say hi or not and it really doesn't matter because when I think we're getting along we're really not and for god only knows why.
I am currently forbidden to call my mom until I apologize to my sister. I have been trying to spend time with my sister for years, my mom finds it annoying and would yell at my sister and ground her from talking to me or stepping foot in my room. Upon my moving out this was no exception. For the last 8 months I have invited my sister over to stay the night, watch chick flicks, eat junk food and do something with me only to be blown off with the all too well excuses. I have also made the effort to invite both of them, as well as the rest of my family, over for breakfast, lunch or dinner, anything to see them, spend time with them and get them to come check out my new home, something I'm proud of. But no. Still here, all by myself.
So, in constantly inviting my sister to come visit and her never being able to make it I told her a month ago if she can't visit me by the time her birthday rolls around them I'm not making her cake or coming to visit. I am expected to do all the traveling. I was told that I have a recent interest in my sister that is unjustified, I am told she has school and I am being irrational... I've been asking for 8 months and when I lived with her tried spending time with her all the time. I am personally hurt by this but it's her that I should apologize to. Damn me for wanting to spend time with my sister, the only person in my family that doesn't drink and I can Do stuff with. I'm such a bitch.
The recent conflict being that nobody in my family came to celebrate my birthday, or Logan's. Yes, we got cards and yes we were thankful but those in close proximity ceased to exist on those specific days. This is the first year in my life without a birthday cake and yes, I am still bitter about this.
When I made plans for Logan's birthday I gave plenty of notice. The morning of, surprise suprise, every excuse in the book. My "what I thought was my best friend at the time" called and scheduled and appointment the day before for That day and showed up for five minutes and made it a point Not to stay, my step dad became unavoidably detained and my mother, brother and sister??? Who knows. Once again, Logan spent his birthday with the entirety of Tristan's family. But, I am the bitch that talks about them like they're perfect, and I offend Your feelings because you weren't there and they were.
My step dad was there for me for what feels like 2.5 seconds. We had some good bonding time until his [ex]girlfriend came back. Apparently he can't prioritize or share his time because the only time he sees fit to call anyone is when no one else is home. He came over for breakfast and dinner a little while, but he got a new roommate and suggests I come over on the days they'll be gone. I am hurt. I just want to spend some down time with him, talking to him and getting to know him.
I love my dad [not my step dad and not my sperm donor] but my Dad more than anything in the world. I miss spending time with him, I miss calling him and more so I miss him calling me. I miss the road trips and camping trips, I miss going out to dinner and spending the night at his house and just watching Sopranos. To be honest with you, my father is ... an alcoholic. I went through my bouts with it but have come to accept it because I don't care. I just want to see him and enjoy his company. However, this time we spent together, this lack of effort has turned to something else, a great void. Our phone calls he doesn't always remember, his remarks are sometimes rude and offensive... and when I get the rare opportunity to travel in his direction I like to see him. If I call and invite him over for dinner, or to let him know I'm in town... he Might stop by, it Might be for more than five minutes.
I was recently lectured by my step mom that my dad works, and that he's a good man and that he's stressed out and that they can't drop everything when I come in to town... Well, Excuse Me! I'm under stress, I made the effort to travel an hour in your direction which Maybe happens once every couple months, more if I'm lucky and I want to freaking see my dad. I didn't know I was such a damn obligation. I didn't know that seeing me and Logan was going out of the way or interrupting important memories at the bar. I didn't know that I'm completely void of emotion.
I am not trying to be rude or insult anyone or make them hate me or hurt their feelings, but whether or not you're trying to you're being rude to me, you're insulting me, you're making me hate you and MY feelings Are hurt. I am quite bitter about all of this, I am quite hurt and frustrated.
My counselor advised me in fact to just not talk to anyone in my family, to stop making the calls and the effort. To stop trying and just try to go without talking to them, for my own sanity. I cried, how could I not talk to them and just cut them off... She gave me a puzzled look and said, "How is that different from now Amanda?" I spent Hours crying over my family, or the lack there of. It has hurt my relationship with Tristan, I find myself so hurt and angry all the time and worse yet taking it out on Tristan. He is suffering for being one of the few people in my life not to give up on me.
I miss my brother. I miss talking to him every day, understanding him, sharing with him, calling him, texting him and having him here. We grew up and we went in to two different directions and we let our past relationships get in the way of Our relationship and I feel like I've lost him. I talked to him this morning on facebook, I talk to him now and again. But I miss him. I feel like a part of me is missing without him in my life.
I love my sister but I'm so sick of everyone acting like she is four years old. She's not a child anymore. And I'm tired of hearing, she's all alone, you had your brother, she's like an only child. I'm not jealous of her, I would give my life for her. I'm irritated at my mom. Where was she when I was growing up. She was never home, I was always watching my brother and sister. My brother and I had chores at like 6-7 yrs old and she's almost 15 and barely does what we did at her age. My mom never went to my track meets, never went to my practices, never bought me pictures of that once in a life time moment. My mom has barely missed a practice for my sister and she has pictures plastered everywhere. I got a Super Nintendo and a N64 growing up, when I left one weekend I came back to them being in my brother's room because he is a boy and I shouldn't have gotten those. My sister has a Wii, Play Station 3, Xbox, Game Cube, DS, PSP and anything else at her disposal in a matter of days. I was informed that she recently took a trip to North fucking Bend for socks. $20 for 3 pairs of socks. My socks couldn't be more than five dollars and my Shoes couldn't be more than $20. In fact, I'm 99% sure that my dad or my uncle funded my entire junior high and highschool years. If they didn't take me shopping I didn't get it and if my dad didn't give me lunch money I got pizza crust that day from my friends. My mom had no time for me, no effort for me. And for her to constantly Baby my sister and let her do anything without ever having to Do anything kinda pisses me off. Ya, I buy my son things and I can already print pages on what to buy my unborn daughter, but I want what they need. And my son helps me load and unload the washer and dryer, unload the dishwasher, put away groceries and clean things up... he just turned 2. He's freaking amazing. He Wants to help. He's going to know discipline and respect.
If my mom so much as offers a kind gesture my sister throws a Huge fit and that's the end of the world. Yes, my mom has helped me with my previous pregnancy and bits and pieces when she can now since we moved in. What I Really want is her ass to drive up here and make the effort to come have dinner or watch a movie, or come hang out. What I really want from anyone is their company, not their money. My brother recently said, ya you can flash your money here and there and pay for all the things in the world but without you there there's no face to that money and it means nothing.
I'm tired of fall through people. I've been around them my whole life and it's all I know, I don't want to be a fall through person.
I would like to say that I do love my family, a Lot more than I should according to most, but I can't let go and I can't give up. I just want to see them, to laugh with them and hear them talk. I miss their stories most and as I type this I find the tears welling up in my eyes. Yes, I am 25 years old. Yes, I am capable of decisions. But how much longer can I be the only one making the effort?
I would also like to say that I am completely and utterly grateful for my grandparents more than anything in the entire world. I love them more than words can say and this irritates people. My grandma has loved me unconditionally and has been fully supportive of me my whole life, even when she doesn't always agree with my decisions. My grandparents have always done everything they could for me and I don't know where I would be without them. I know they're getting older and weaker and that soon enough my life will continue on without them, but I say to you honestly, I don't know how when they've been such a big part of it.
I'm sorry for this rant. I'm hoping that in typing it up and publishing in to the inter-web I can release it and let it go, that I can stop thinking about it every single day and stop it from eating at me. I'm hoping to close this gash that has become me.
I've been hoping for the courage to tell everyone to just piss off and tell them how much they hurt me, no matter how old I am, you're never too old to feel.
He said he tolerated enough screaming and yelling as he was growing up and that it stresses him out. I say to him, it must be nice. He ended up with the family he always wanted, functional and loving, and we went from yelling loud and mean to yelling louder and meaner, which isn't to say it didn't have it's good points... which Is my point.
I grew up with chaos, drama and yelling and to be honest a little bit of smacking. Thing is, my family was there for me. My dad would pick me up every weekend to hang out, to go see my grandparents, for strawberry milk and donuts. We would float down the river in the summer time. My uncle was there for me in the best ways he could be, he'd take me in as one of his own and invite me along on trips. We'd all go fishing at 3-4am. I used to go skating and bowling. I used to be surrounded by my family to the point where it'd make you sick and now... I am all alone.
I think I lost them about the time I turned 17-18yrs old. I'm a big girl now? I can do it on my own? For years it was hello's here and there and not so much more as a glance.
Call me stupid but I thought that in having my son I might get the opportunity to see my family again in the fact that they might actually want to know him. Boy was I wrong. Ya, I'm sure they love me and I'm sure they love him but does it do good for the feelings when your own dad can't come visit you to see his grandson after he's born? Does it not hurt that you have to wait roughly 3 months for them to meet?
Does it not hurt more that your entire family starts to distance themselves as you actually try and get your life in order? Should I feel okay that no one could celebrate his first birthday formally? That my own mother rushed around that morning and couldn't help me make his cakes and then as the party started went birthday shopping and showed up late only to whine and complain that there was no food left and she was hungry? How rude of me!?!??! Not only that but the games I had set were turned in to jokes and cuss words and derogatory terms were strewn all over them while every body laughed and said, Logan will think it's funny when he's older. I spent my sons first birthday crying my eyes out, completely hurt.
Tristan ended up making it better by making him a beautiful formal cake and going the distance to help me celebrate my sons birthday and his family was there to help eat the cake. His family, whom I had known for just a few short months.
Some people think that I'm spoiled, that I'm oh so lucky and blah blah blah. Yes, I love that I have no mother that I can talk to when I'm having a bad day or call just to share something good with her. When I call my mother I get a, "what are you doing?" I say my words and good or bad I get cut off to listen to hours of her bitching and problems and when I interrupt to say, "hey, I called you, III need to talk!" I get called a selfish rude bitch and hung up on. When I try and do family functions I get stood up at the last minute by pathetic excuses, and I know the woman. I grew up with her. I know how to get out of anything with all the stories I've heard and I can tell when someone can't show up and wants to and when they don't want to.
My biological sperm donor, another great example of disappointment in my life. Show up every couple months or more whenever the new girlfriend needs to see how great of a person he is because "he has a daughter" only to skip out for a year or more. I can't recall the countless fall throughs, or the shitty enough fourth of July I was having only to have him say, "Hey, come spend it with me.... but you have to drive because I've been drinking and on the way to our destination you'll say something I didn't hear right and deck you in the face because of it... but it's okay... I love you and you should take that shit." I am not your mother, I am not your girlfriend. I am not a weak person and I will Not tolerate violence or offenses against me. Months went by before we talked again, maybe more. Never anything nice to say.
When I went in to labor though, he was there when it was over and brought me flowers and ordered pizza and picked up My diapers, ya I said it. For the next two months he would come by now and again to hold Logan and see him, make jokes at me and the final words I longed to hear .... "I missed out on your life and wasn't there for you when you were growing up and I want to be here for Logan. I'll be by to bbq next Thursday." That was the last time I heard from him.
My uncle, who used to think it was funny to call himself uncle dad, was awesome. He would take me in as his own and I would spend the weekend there and help out with the kids and have delicious food and just... relax. They would go places and I was invited. He took care of me for some time... then along with his marriage our relationship fell apart and our long conversations turned in to middle fingers and rude remarks. Now when I see him I don't know if I should say hi or not and it really doesn't matter because when I think we're getting along we're really not and for god only knows why.
I am currently forbidden to call my mom until I apologize to my sister. I have been trying to spend time with my sister for years, my mom finds it annoying and would yell at my sister and ground her from talking to me or stepping foot in my room. Upon my moving out this was no exception. For the last 8 months I have invited my sister over to stay the night, watch chick flicks, eat junk food and do something with me only to be blown off with the all too well excuses. I have also made the effort to invite both of them, as well as the rest of my family, over for breakfast, lunch or dinner, anything to see them, spend time with them and get them to come check out my new home, something I'm proud of. But no. Still here, all by myself.
So, in constantly inviting my sister to come visit and her never being able to make it I told her a month ago if she can't visit me by the time her birthday rolls around them I'm not making her cake or coming to visit. I am expected to do all the traveling. I was told that I have a recent interest in my sister that is unjustified, I am told she has school and I am being irrational... I've been asking for 8 months and when I lived with her tried spending time with her all the time. I am personally hurt by this but it's her that I should apologize to. Damn me for wanting to spend time with my sister, the only person in my family that doesn't drink and I can Do stuff with. I'm such a bitch.
The recent conflict being that nobody in my family came to celebrate my birthday, or Logan's. Yes, we got cards and yes we were thankful but those in close proximity ceased to exist on those specific days. This is the first year in my life without a birthday cake and yes, I am still bitter about this.
When I made plans for Logan's birthday I gave plenty of notice. The morning of, surprise suprise, every excuse in the book. My "what I thought was my best friend at the time" called and scheduled and appointment the day before for That day and showed up for five minutes and made it a point Not to stay, my step dad became unavoidably detained and my mother, brother and sister??? Who knows. Once again, Logan spent his birthday with the entirety of Tristan's family. But, I am the bitch that talks about them like they're perfect, and I offend Your feelings because you weren't there and they were.
My step dad was there for me for what feels like 2.5 seconds. We had some good bonding time until his [ex]girlfriend came back. Apparently he can't prioritize or share his time because the only time he sees fit to call anyone is when no one else is home. He came over for breakfast and dinner a little while, but he got a new roommate and suggests I come over on the days they'll be gone. I am hurt. I just want to spend some down time with him, talking to him and getting to know him.
I love my dad [not my step dad and not my sperm donor] but my Dad more than anything in the world. I miss spending time with him, I miss calling him and more so I miss him calling me. I miss the road trips and camping trips, I miss going out to dinner and spending the night at his house and just watching Sopranos. To be honest with you, my father is ... an alcoholic. I went through my bouts with it but have come to accept it because I don't care. I just want to see him and enjoy his company. However, this time we spent together, this lack of effort has turned to something else, a great void. Our phone calls he doesn't always remember, his remarks are sometimes rude and offensive... and when I get the rare opportunity to travel in his direction I like to see him. If I call and invite him over for dinner, or to let him know I'm in town... he Might stop by, it Might be for more than five minutes.
I was recently lectured by my step mom that my dad works, and that he's a good man and that he's stressed out and that they can't drop everything when I come in to town... Well, Excuse Me! I'm under stress, I made the effort to travel an hour in your direction which Maybe happens once every couple months, more if I'm lucky and I want to freaking see my dad. I didn't know I was such a damn obligation. I didn't know that seeing me and Logan was going out of the way or interrupting important memories at the bar. I didn't know that I'm completely void of emotion.
I am not trying to be rude or insult anyone or make them hate me or hurt their feelings, but whether or not you're trying to you're being rude to me, you're insulting me, you're making me hate you and MY feelings Are hurt. I am quite bitter about all of this, I am quite hurt and frustrated.
My counselor advised me in fact to just not talk to anyone in my family, to stop making the calls and the effort. To stop trying and just try to go without talking to them, for my own sanity. I cried, how could I not talk to them and just cut them off... She gave me a puzzled look and said, "How is that different from now Amanda?" I spent Hours crying over my family, or the lack there of. It has hurt my relationship with Tristan, I find myself so hurt and angry all the time and worse yet taking it out on Tristan. He is suffering for being one of the few people in my life not to give up on me.
I miss my brother. I miss talking to him every day, understanding him, sharing with him, calling him, texting him and having him here. We grew up and we went in to two different directions and we let our past relationships get in the way of Our relationship and I feel like I've lost him. I talked to him this morning on facebook, I talk to him now and again. But I miss him. I feel like a part of me is missing without him in my life.
I love my sister but I'm so sick of everyone acting like she is four years old. She's not a child anymore. And I'm tired of hearing, she's all alone, you had your brother, she's like an only child. I'm not jealous of her, I would give my life for her. I'm irritated at my mom. Where was she when I was growing up. She was never home, I was always watching my brother and sister. My brother and I had chores at like 6-7 yrs old and she's almost 15 and barely does what we did at her age. My mom never went to my track meets, never went to my practices, never bought me pictures of that once in a life time moment. My mom has barely missed a practice for my sister and she has pictures plastered everywhere. I got a Super Nintendo and a N64 growing up, when I left one weekend I came back to them being in my brother's room because he is a boy and I shouldn't have gotten those. My sister has a Wii, Play Station 3, Xbox, Game Cube, DS, PSP and anything else at her disposal in a matter of days. I was informed that she recently took a trip to North fucking Bend for socks. $20 for 3 pairs of socks. My socks couldn't be more than five dollars and my Shoes couldn't be more than $20. In fact, I'm 99% sure that my dad or my uncle funded my entire junior high and highschool years. If they didn't take me shopping I didn't get it and if my dad didn't give me lunch money I got pizza crust that day from my friends. My mom had no time for me, no effort for me. And for her to constantly Baby my sister and let her do anything without ever having to Do anything kinda pisses me off. Ya, I buy my son things and I can already print pages on what to buy my unborn daughter, but I want what they need. And my son helps me load and unload the washer and dryer, unload the dishwasher, put away groceries and clean things up... he just turned 2. He's freaking amazing. He Wants to help. He's going to know discipline and respect.
If my mom so much as offers a kind gesture my sister throws a Huge fit and that's the end of the world. Yes, my mom has helped me with my previous pregnancy and bits and pieces when she can now since we moved in. What I Really want is her ass to drive up here and make the effort to come have dinner or watch a movie, or come hang out. What I really want from anyone is their company, not their money. My brother recently said, ya you can flash your money here and there and pay for all the things in the world but without you there there's no face to that money and it means nothing.
I'm tired of fall through people. I've been around them my whole life and it's all I know, I don't want to be a fall through person.
I would like to say that I do love my family, a Lot more than I should according to most, but I can't let go and I can't give up. I just want to see them, to laugh with them and hear them talk. I miss their stories most and as I type this I find the tears welling up in my eyes. Yes, I am 25 years old. Yes, I am capable of decisions. But how much longer can I be the only one making the effort?
I would also like to say that I am completely and utterly grateful for my grandparents more than anything in the entire world. I love them more than words can say and this irritates people. My grandma has loved me unconditionally and has been fully supportive of me my whole life, even when she doesn't always agree with my decisions. My grandparents have always done everything they could for me and I don't know where I would be without them. I know they're getting older and weaker and that soon enough my life will continue on without them, but I say to you honestly, I don't know how when they've been such a big part of it.
I'm sorry for this rant. I'm hoping that in typing it up and publishing in to the inter-web I can release it and let it go, that I can stop thinking about it every single day and stop it from eating at me. I'm hoping to close this gash that has become me.
I've been hoping for the courage to tell everyone to just piss off and tell them how much they hurt me, no matter how old I am, you're never too old to feel.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Logan of the Week
Needless to say, I have quite the personality on my hands. Tristan isn't always home and I like to share so he's not missing out on anything. I called them "Logan of the Days." So, why not blog about. I'm a little backed up so here's my word vomit.
This week I've been running around the house cooking and cleaning... and singing. Little did I know I have a back up singer. He's been walking around the house singing too.
He also started two or three days ago going to the bathroom by himself. I had to move the stool to the side so his little foot didn't fall in the toilet, and I say, it's quite amusing watching him wiggle on the toilet. He gets up there, pees and gets down by himself. He's having one heck of a time with his underwear though. Once he screamed because both legs were stuck in one hole. That was quite hilarious.
He's also been helping me with Everything. And when I tell him to go play with his toys he says, "No, I helping mama." ♥ Steal my heart away. He likes to wipe down cupboards, and pick things up and lately he's been a bit better at picking up his toys and better yet putting them in the appropriate bin.
Just yesterday I was unloading the dishwasher and he went to grab our plastic cutting board. I told him to put it down of he was going to his room, he told me no and he was helping and opened up the right drawer And lifted the top one up so that he could slide it under. That drawer is chaotic and he caught me off guard.
He's also been arguing when I say I love you. "No, I love you More mama." He'll do it for quite some time. It makes my heart smile.
I was on the phone with Tristan yesterday and Logan wanted to talk to daddy. He was running around the front room screaming in excitement and singing to him and ... being crazy. I told Logan to give me the phone or I was going to put him in a hideous outfit. He said no mama. But, I got no phone. So, I stood up and said go to your room, we're going to get dressed. He started crying and saying no mama. I told him he was wearing something ugly and he said in the most pathetic voice, "Oh, mama." Well, the outfit was Actually quite cute, from my grandma in France. He asks to look in the mirror whenever I get him dressed up and yesterday was no exception. He was quite pleased with himself and this morning when we woke up it was cold and I told him to go grab some jammies... he grabbed the outfit.
Last but not least, two days ago I went on a pumpkin frenzy and ended up making pumpkin bunts since I didn't have the proper muffin pan. They took quite some time to cool. I was cleaning up behind myself, something I don't usually do, and I turn around only to see someone making off with a muffin. "Mmm, good muffin mom." I thought it was cute, I couldn't yell. It's pumpkin right? Not sugar? Anyways. I get my muffin ready with cream cheese frosting of course and sit down and eat it and I get full off just one, I'm working on building my blog and a little guy comes up to me with food in his mouth... hmmm??? I go in the kitchen and ask what he's been up to. There is Another muffin on the counter, missing five or six bites. Ya, couldn't yell. It made me smile.
I love him to death and while this post is a little chaotic and a little much I'll try and be on time with the Logan of the days as they come. I've never loved anything more in the world, and I thought I'd share. ♥
This week I've been running around the house cooking and cleaning... and singing. Little did I know I have a back up singer. He's been walking around the house singing too.
He also started two or three days ago going to the bathroom by himself. I had to move the stool to the side so his little foot didn't fall in the toilet, and I say, it's quite amusing watching him wiggle on the toilet. He gets up there, pees and gets down by himself. He's having one heck of a time with his underwear though. Once he screamed because both legs were stuck in one hole. That was quite hilarious.
He's also been helping me with Everything. And when I tell him to go play with his toys he says, "No, I helping mama." ♥ Steal my heart away. He likes to wipe down cupboards, and pick things up and lately he's been a bit better at picking up his toys and better yet putting them in the appropriate bin.
Just yesterday I was unloading the dishwasher and he went to grab our plastic cutting board. I told him to put it down of he was going to his room, he told me no and he was helping and opened up the right drawer And lifted the top one up so that he could slide it under. That drawer is chaotic and he caught me off guard.
He's also been arguing when I say I love you. "No, I love you More mama." He'll do it for quite some time. It makes my heart smile.
I was on the phone with Tristan yesterday and Logan wanted to talk to daddy. He was running around the front room screaming in excitement and singing to him and ... being crazy. I told Logan to give me the phone or I was going to put him in a hideous outfit. He said no mama. But, I got no phone. So, I stood up and said go to your room, we're going to get dressed. He started crying and saying no mama. I told him he was wearing something ugly and he said in the most pathetic voice, "Oh, mama." Well, the outfit was Actually quite cute, from my grandma in France. He asks to look in the mirror whenever I get him dressed up and yesterday was no exception. He was quite pleased with himself and this morning when we woke up it was cold and I told him to go grab some jammies... he grabbed the outfit.
Last but not least, two days ago I went on a pumpkin frenzy and ended up making pumpkin bunts since I didn't have the proper muffin pan. They took quite some time to cool. I was cleaning up behind myself, something I don't usually do, and I turn around only to see someone making off with a muffin. "Mmm, good muffin mom." I thought it was cute, I couldn't yell. It's pumpkin right? Not sugar? Anyways. I get my muffin ready with cream cheese frosting of course and sit down and eat it and I get full off just one, I'm working on building my blog and a little guy comes up to me with food in his mouth... hmmm??? I go in the kitchen and ask what he's been up to. There is Another muffin on the counter, missing five or six bites. Ya, couldn't yell. It made me smile.
I love him to death and while this post is a little chaotic and a little much I'll try and be on time with the Logan of the days as they come. I've never loved anything more in the world, and I thought I'd share. ♥
Monday, September 20, 2010
Oh Tristan, My Tristan
I met Tristan in the 5th grade. To be honest, I don't know how it started. I just remember being scared as hell to go In to his house and one day making a wish that he would ask me out. The next day he did and I of course said, "No." In all the commotion he turned to my "best friend" at the time and asked her out.
I was pretty pissed at him and don't remember seeing him again until after high school, or maybe we were in high school, but it was at the mall where you take the surveys. I remember sitting there waiting my turn and he walks by, all professional like and handsome as ever. What could I say? Remember me? We played together in 5th grade? I turned you down??? Ya, no. I said nothing and admired from afar.
Years later in the midst of drama and chaos, after having had my heart broken and ripped out numerous times, I began to think. I was being pursued by an old friend, but I didn't want the drama and all he had to not offer. I wanted something real, I wanted someone to want me for me and accept me and all I was. I now had a son and I wanted someone to take him in as their own and love us both unconditionally.
I thought about this long and hard, about all my mistakes and how it was time to grow up. I thought about wanting to get married and start a life, a family. And I prayed. I prayed for a sign. I prayed specifically for what I wanted, what I needed. I prayed that God knew I was ready to be serious in my relationships, I prayed for a lot of things which are personal to me. And I knew that I would wait until I got what I needed.
I planned on waiting a year, maybe more. In all reality it was less than a week. Facebook. Who knew? It started sending all these requests for people that I had known in high school, people I had grown up with. I started thinking, could this be him? Could this old friend of mine be the guy I spend the rest of my life with? Or have I not met him yet? True [pathetic] story [of most typical girl brains].
I found myself being tugged in one direction all the while knowing that this is what I had always had and that it was a terrible choice. Then, *bing*, "Friend Tristan Haynes". Curiosity got the best of me and I was instantly wrapped up in all he was. I was in the middle of a book and he was doing some writing of his own. The more I talked to him the more I realized how much I cared for him, how much I Could care for him. We had a lot in common and he inspired me to be a better person. [we hadn't hung out at this point, Lots of talking]
Then, he was throwing a bbq at the lake. I wanted to go but tried talking myself out of it and imagined all the worst possible scenarios one can imagine when in first pursuit. Luckily, a friend of mine informed me that if I didn't go I would be making the biggest mistake ever and regret it for the rest of my life. I knew she was right, I had no idea How right at the time. So I went, in my over heated, rusted and busted car, completely embarrassed and hoping for something good.
What I got instead was something great. I spent hours talking to Tristan without any awkwardness or sly passes. Logan did his part in instantly hooking him in and I couldn't get enough. As I felt the day start to end I felt really sad because I didn't want to see him go. I knew I couldn't Let him go.
Luckily for me I left the worst picture ID I've Ever taken in his backpack and had to go pick it up and to be honest with you, that moment outside sitting and talking and laughing I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
We later that week went on our first date, my first time alone from Logan. I had the most amazing time ever and all the while wondered what was next and when our first kiss would be. Luckily I'm impatient and didn't wait more than a week to kiss him and soon after we started dating and soon after I fell in love.
We've spent all of our time together since our first date over a year ago and though it has its ups and downs I can't get it out of my head how lucky I am to have everything I ever wanted in someone that loves me.
He loves me for me, absolutely and unconditionally and I've fought with him over it for months because I just can't seem to wrap my head around how that is possible.
He does so much for me, he's always there for me, he knows how to make me laugh, he's annoyingly patient when I'm... not, he's tolerant of my extremities, he's sweet and thoughtful even if in little ways that my stubborn butt doesn't always see. Maybe not so much romantic of charming but he knows how to cuddle and he knows how to kiss. He knows how to love me when I can't love myself. He's a Great father, he's everything I ever wanted and so much more.
I guess this is my way in so many words of saying that I love you Tristan. I love you with all that I have and all that I am and I'm sorry for not always showing it. I'm sorry for being so stubborn. I'm sorry for pushing you away and acting like I don't need you because I do. I don't know where I would be or who I would be without you and it scares me to think that I could lose you. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I have no problem telling the world. I'm lucky you love me. You really are everything I could have ever wanted or imagined or asked for and sooo much more.
I can't wait til February, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you and right now I can't wait til you get home, though I am enjoying missing you. <3
I was pretty pissed at him and don't remember seeing him again until after high school, or maybe we were in high school, but it was at the mall where you take the surveys. I remember sitting there waiting my turn and he walks by, all professional like and handsome as ever. What could I say? Remember me? We played together in 5th grade? I turned you down??? Ya, no. I said nothing and admired from afar.
Years later in the midst of drama and chaos, after having had my heart broken and ripped out numerous times, I began to think. I was being pursued by an old friend, but I didn't want the drama and all he had to not offer. I wanted something real, I wanted someone to want me for me and accept me and all I was. I now had a son and I wanted someone to take him in as their own and love us both unconditionally.
I thought about this long and hard, about all my mistakes and how it was time to grow up. I thought about wanting to get married and start a life, a family. And I prayed. I prayed for a sign. I prayed specifically for what I wanted, what I needed. I prayed that God knew I was ready to be serious in my relationships, I prayed for a lot of things which are personal to me. And I knew that I would wait until I got what I needed.
I planned on waiting a year, maybe more. In all reality it was less than a week. Facebook. Who knew? It started sending all these requests for people that I had known in high school, people I had grown up with. I started thinking, could this be him? Could this old friend of mine be the guy I spend the rest of my life with? Or have I not met him yet? True [pathetic] story [of most typical girl brains].
I found myself being tugged in one direction all the while knowing that this is what I had always had and that it was a terrible choice. Then, *bing*, "Friend Tristan Haynes". Curiosity got the best of me and I was instantly wrapped up in all he was. I was in the middle of a book and he was doing some writing of his own. The more I talked to him the more I realized how much I cared for him, how much I Could care for him. We had a lot in common and he inspired me to be a better person. [we hadn't hung out at this point, Lots of talking]
Then, he was throwing a bbq at the lake. I wanted to go but tried talking myself out of it and imagined all the worst possible scenarios one can imagine when in first pursuit. Luckily, a friend of mine informed me that if I didn't go I would be making the biggest mistake ever and regret it for the rest of my life. I knew she was right, I had no idea How right at the time. So I went, in my over heated, rusted and busted car, completely embarrassed and hoping for something good.
What I got instead was something great. I spent hours talking to Tristan without any awkwardness or sly passes. Logan did his part in instantly hooking him in and I couldn't get enough. As I felt the day start to end I felt really sad because I didn't want to see him go. I knew I couldn't Let him go.
Luckily for me I left the worst picture ID I've Ever taken in his backpack and had to go pick it up and to be honest with you, that moment outside sitting and talking and laughing I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
We later that week went on our first date, my first time alone from Logan. I had the most amazing time ever and all the while wondered what was next and when our first kiss would be. Luckily I'm impatient and didn't wait more than a week to kiss him and soon after we started dating and soon after I fell in love.
We've spent all of our time together since our first date over a year ago and though it has its ups and downs I can't get it out of my head how lucky I am to have everything I ever wanted in someone that loves me.
He loves me for me, absolutely and unconditionally and I've fought with him over it for months because I just can't seem to wrap my head around how that is possible.
He does so much for me, he's always there for me, he knows how to make me laugh, he's annoyingly patient when I'm... not, he's tolerant of my extremities, he's sweet and thoughtful even if in little ways that my stubborn butt doesn't always see. Maybe not so much romantic of charming but he knows how to cuddle and he knows how to kiss. He knows how to love me when I can't love myself. He's a Great father, he's everything I ever wanted and so much more.
I guess this is my way in so many words of saying that I love you Tristan. I love you with all that I have and all that I am and I'm sorry for not always showing it. I'm sorry for being so stubborn. I'm sorry for pushing you away and acting like I don't need you because I do. I don't know where I would be or who I would be without you and it scares me to think that I could lose you. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I have no problem telling the world. I'm lucky you love me. You really are everything I could have ever wanted or imagined or asked for and sooo much more.
I can't wait til February, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you and right now I can't wait til you get home, though I am enjoying missing you. <3
Reclaiming my Motherhood
I find myself some what tired as I start out this day. A couple days ago I asked Tristan to leave for a couple days. Not because I didn't want to be with him or because I don't love him but because I realize I've become so dependent on him and I needed some space and I needed to know that I can still do things on my own.
When he's here I feel like my schedule revolves around his and all I want to do is see him and spend time with him. As great as that is it doesn't always happen and I get frustrated wasting my whole day. Then I get angry at him when really he didn't do anything. It was me.
My Tristan does a lot, he helps out with Logan mostly and sometimes it frustrates me because I did it all on my own before he was even someone I knew I loved. And now I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
This week for the first time in a while I got to put Logan to bed And wake up with him Allllll through out the night just because he couldn't sleep or had to pee or simply wanted to be in bed with me and for the first time in more than a while I put him back in his bed instead of giving in. I know this cost me HOURS of sleep but it had to be done. Quite specifically, last night, Logan woke up... five or six times. The last time being at 7:30am He sleeps until at Least 8am and I was Not ready to wake up and with all his waking up I figured No Way is he ready to wake up. I was wrong. He laid in my bed with me waking me up nearly every time I fell asleep til I felt like the Grinch that Wanted to steal Christmas. I just wanted to cry and scream. I'm so tired on top of being pregnant.
At the same time it's kind of satisfying knowing that I can still get out of bed, take care of my child, not want to wake up in the morning and still somehow manage to burn the one thing I've been making all my life and knock out some chores. Before Tristan I woke up with Logan all through out the night, I stayed up later, I breastfed, I woke up before Logan did and I had time to myself in the mornings. I have No recollection as to how this was all possible just that once Tristan and I started dating my schedule flipped to his and I lost my me time.
I think the part that smarts is Tristan telling me how tired he is and how he needs sleep because he's getting up with Logan, him trying to give me advice on how to handle him when I feel like hey... wait a minute. I did all this without you and now you want to tell me how it is? Then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I want time to spend with Logan, to say hey, I still know how to take care of my child, to relax and clean the things I can't otherwise clean and not have to worry about tornadoes following after. I want time to sew and cook and not have to worry about being quiet or planning my day around someone else. I want time to sit at the computer and write and think about my life. I want time to just dilly dally. I want time to mess up and know that these are my mistakes, that I forgot to vacuum or I forgot to load the dishwasher or put the clothes in the dryer. I want time to not be so angry and resentful.
To be honest, I miss the days when we first started dating and even when we spent every waking moment together I still got messaged on facebook or texted how much I was missed. I miss the beginning of our relationship and the excitement and while there is the comfort of knowing that Tristan has put up with a lot from me and he's not going anywhere and now we're going to have a child together and I get to spend the rest of my life with the greatest man God could've given me ... I miss date night. I miss getting out of the house and taking time for each other. I miss the extra effort put in to "hellos" and "good byes", the "I miss yous".
I'm hoping that by the time that Tristan comes home I will have missed him so much that all the rest just goes out the window. I know I'm in a relationship for the long haul I'm just seeking some self satisfying independence. Which isn't to say that I can't stop calling or texting him to share something silly or just to hear his voice. I love him more than words could ever convey. This is what I get for falling in love with the boy next door so to speak.
More so, this is what I get for not writing in so long and hopefully for anyone who actually reads this it won't always be like this. I think the next couple of days I'll go post happy and take a chill pill to the norm??? Maybe.
When he's here I feel like my schedule revolves around his and all I want to do is see him and spend time with him. As great as that is it doesn't always happen and I get frustrated wasting my whole day. Then I get angry at him when really he didn't do anything. It was me.
My Tristan does a lot, he helps out with Logan mostly and sometimes it frustrates me because I did it all on my own before he was even someone I knew I loved. And now I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
This week for the first time in a while I got to put Logan to bed And wake up with him Allllll through out the night just because he couldn't sleep or had to pee or simply wanted to be in bed with me and for the first time in more than a while I put him back in his bed instead of giving in. I know this cost me HOURS of sleep but it had to be done. Quite specifically, last night, Logan woke up... five or six times. The last time being at 7:30am He sleeps until at Least 8am and I was Not ready to wake up and with all his waking up I figured No Way is he ready to wake up. I was wrong. He laid in my bed with me waking me up nearly every time I fell asleep til I felt like the Grinch that Wanted to steal Christmas. I just wanted to cry and scream. I'm so tired on top of being pregnant.
At the same time it's kind of satisfying knowing that I can still get out of bed, take care of my child, not want to wake up in the morning and still somehow manage to burn the one thing I've been making all my life and knock out some chores. Before Tristan I woke up with Logan all through out the night, I stayed up later, I breastfed, I woke up before Logan did and I had time to myself in the mornings. I have No recollection as to how this was all possible just that once Tristan and I started dating my schedule flipped to his and I lost my me time.
I think the part that smarts is Tristan telling me how tired he is and how he needs sleep because he's getting up with Logan, him trying to give me advice on how to handle him when I feel like hey... wait a minute. I did all this without you and now you want to tell me how it is? Then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I want time to spend with Logan, to say hey, I still know how to take care of my child, to relax and clean the things I can't otherwise clean and not have to worry about tornadoes following after. I want time to sew and cook and not have to worry about being quiet or planning my day around someone else. I want time to sit at the computer and write and think about my life. I want time to just dilly dally. I want time to mess up and know that these are my mistakes, that I forgot to vacuum or I forgot to load the dishwasher or put the clothes in the dryer. I want time to not be so angry and resentful.
To be honest, I miss the days when we first started dating and even when we spent every waking moment together I still got messaged on facebook or texted how much I was missed. I miss the beginning of our relationship and the excitement and while there is the comfort of knowing that Tristan has put up with a lot from me and he's not going anywhere and now we're going to have a child together and I get to spend the rest of my life with the greatest man God could've given me ... I miss date night. I miss getting out of the house and taking time for each other. I miss the extra effort put in to "hellos" and "good byes", the "I miss yous".
I'm hoping that by the time that Tristan comes home I will have missed him so much that all the rest just goes out the window. I know I'm in a relationship for the long haul I'm just seeking some self satisfying independence. Which isn't to say that I can't stop calling or texting him to share something silly or just to hear his voice. I love him more than words could ever convey. This is what I get for falling in love with the boy next door so to speak.
More so, this is what I get for not writing in so long and hopefully for anyone who actually reads this it won't always be like this. I think the next couple of days I'll go post happy and take a chill pill to the norm??? Maybe.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
A Clarification on my Perfect Life
While showering and procrastinating one of my many things to do I realized I forgot the clause. While I admit that I truly think that I have the perfect life it goes without saying that it has it's problems too. Aside from being nearly a month or two behind on Everything and getting fired over Nothing this blog is not about those things.
This blog is about my likes and interests, my hobbies and as it goes without saying my procrastinations. This blog is about Tristan's quirky qualities and his blogging and lack of man hobbies, it's about Logan learning to use the potty and thinking he's sneaky at everything he does. This blog is about Kimber pooping all over my fan and keeping me up at night with her licking and itching when I already can't sleep because there is a baby in my "vagina". And this blog is about that baby in my vagina and her journey here and then some.
This blog is focused more at the humors and joys life has to bring rather than it's disappointments. I love my life and the people I have in it and while I could do with some more social friends, I wouldn't have it any other way.
This blog is about my likes and interests, my hobbies and as it goes without saying my procrastinations. This blog is about Tristan's quirky qualities and his blogging and lack of man hobbies, it's about Logan learning to use the potty and thinking he's sneaky at everything he does. This blog is about Kimber pooping all over my fan and keeping me up at night with her licking and itching when I already can't sleep because there is a baby in my "vagina". And this blog is about that baby in my vagina and her journey here and then some.
This blog is focused more at the humors and joys life has to bring rather than it's disappointments. I love my life and the people I have in it and while I could do with some more social friends, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Welcome
This is the misadventures of my perfect life. I say perfect in that I have an Amazing future husband who loves me unconditionally no matter how terrible I am, an amusing and handsomely perfect little two year old, a little girl on the way and of course, no perfect family would be complete without a dog, Kimber, our black lab.
I used to be more of a writer than I am now. I used to be more of a thinker than I am now. I used to be more of a doer too. My hope is that in sharing my life with you I'll not only be inspired to write more, but to think and Do more.
"I am discovering things about myself on a daily basis. I'm more afraid of succeeding than of failing, I'm more afraid of things working out than not, I'm more afraid of being happy than not. I guess in ways I feel I don't deserve better, in other ways I feel like I don't know how. I know what I want and it seems silly to deny myself it. I'm working on it though, I'm trying. I can't keep screwing things up for forever, I can't keep going no where."
"I am discovering things about myself on a daily basis. I'm more afraid of succeeding than of failing, I'm more afraid of things working out than not, I'm more afraid of being happy than not. I guess in ways I feel I don't deserve better, in other ways I feel like I don't know how. I know what I want and it seems silly to deny myself it. I'm working on it though, I'm trying. I can't keep screwing things up for forever, I can't keep going no where."
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