A Postponement

It's no surprise I'm excited about my wedding, about marrying the man of my dreams, about having a whole day with my family and friends to celebrate the relationship I will be in until the day I die. Knowing this, it saddens me to say that the wedding has  been postponed.

We've been under a lot of stress and pressure trying to come up with everything we need in just a few short months so instead of stressing out and worrying about it we thought it might be best to give ourselves more time. We know that we don't need a million dollars to get married, but we're doing this once and we would like it to be a pleasurable experience.

Also noted, our lease is up at the end of July so trying to come up with money for that on top of a wedding is an accident waiting to happen. Thanks for your understanding.

Productivity Amongst Chaos

Reluctant to say that Logan has continued to be a stink. Yesterday I had enough of his toys being put up. Tristan and I talked about staying here another lease term and having the kids share a room and the thought of this allows me to ... "nest" or get ready. So, I decided I was going to pull all of Logan's toys out and dump everything in to a pile and vacuum out the dog hair, man oh man was it every where. Somewhere amidst moving all his furniture to one side of the room and dumping the bins my back decides that it is going to go out.

I freaked, this is the 3rd time this year, count it the THIRD time. Tristan was sleeping and reasonably so. I thought I would give my back a chance to rest and laid flat on the floor. Bad idea, I couldn't move. I couldn't really do anything and I had to have Tristan come help me up as well as getting Logan a couple times because he was being so ridiculous. My back going out really puts a damper on things but I did manage to finish the cleaning some how last night.

I moved all his posters and pictures to one side, all of his bins and shelves, everything. The left side of the room is empty and ready for Olivia's stuff to move in. Tristan said that me cleaning Logan's room made him happy because Olivia having her own space makes her a real person. He said it sucks, her not having her own room, us not having anything to decorate. I'm pregnant. Don't need to tell me that. We also agreed that I could go crazy buying Princess posters to decorate her side. They aren't that expensive and I stock piled on Super Hero posters when I was pregnant with Logan and even now. I guess I've always had posters and identity in my room and it's how I identify with space. Either way, I'm excited. I'm excited that Tristan is finally excited. That he can finally see that it's coming quick and we need to start shopping, man oh man I can't wait to shop. ♥

On a different note, Tristan has been working non stop the last two weeks or so. It is a blessing and a curse. A curse in that I really have no time to see him or talk to him or anything at all with him. I miss him. He's always sleeping or working and I'm miserable about it. It's a blessing in that Tristan has been feeling inspired and motivated since we got caught up on bills and has had some much needed time to write. He finished chapter one in his first book and is working on character development. This makes me happy because for some time he was miserable. Now he's just miserably tired. The other obvious blessing is over time. We are caught up but as of yet have no extra money. This will help. :) I'm just really glad this isn't permanent because this guy doing the schedule is Terrible.

I did manage to get some more quilting supplies. A bigger cutting board which is sooo nice, a tiny pair of scissors, material to make Tristan a quilt, which is already half done, half the backing to our other dog quilt because I was tired and didn't calculate things times two, and a teeny pair of super sharp scissors. I can't wait til either of our puppy quilts are done because as "simple" as they are [as my mother would say] they are going to be Beautiful and they bring me comfort just looking at them.

I even managed to finally finish my penguin pillow case which led Tristan to tell me that he wants me to make him some new pillow cases, this makes me happy and feel needed. I Love hearing things like this. ♥ So, I'm in the process of making him an "I woof you" pillowcase. When I say in the process I mean to say that my machine has spasmed and is in the process of going on strike. This happened in January when I was working on his birthday present. Apparently I can't make him anything???

Oooh, exciting news! We've decided to do a home birth. I really wanted to do one with Logan but we had a couple little yipers and my mom is semi high strung when it comes to her house so at the time it was not a realistic option, seeing as how I wanted to be as relaxed and stress free as possible during the birth. I contemplated it with Olivia but didn't know I could seeing as how we're on the third floor, or how Tristan would feel about it. Completely supportive. :) He said it stresses him out less knowing that if I go in to labor and he's not here I don't have to try and rush anywhere or wait for anyone and try and take care of Logan and what not.

I couldn't recall what my labor was like with Logan. I knew I wasn't screaming or cursing. I do remember saying I would never have children, or sex again, and I remember being completely exhausted. I asked my sister and she said I was good and that's the only thing she remembers too. Pretty sure I did scream when he crowned. I felt my hips split. Good stuff.

The only thing I'm nervous about is who is actually going to be there. I know I'm going to be extremely huge and extremely naked and not so comfortable letting it all hang out for everyone. I guess we will see when I go in to labor because what I wanted before and what I wanted during with Logan were two completely different worlds. * I can't wait to hold her *

As I write all of this, my back is killing me, my house is a mess, I'm behind on all my projects, my children are driving me nuts and Tristan is once again gone, but I am content, for the first time in a while.

I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Tristan, for working so hard and so diligently, for getting his butt out of bed to make it on time no matter how tired he is and for being so supportive of everything. My love for him is confirmed on a regular basis and I don't know what I would do without him or who I'd be. Thank you, with everything I have. ♥

Reclaiming my Motherhood

I find myself some what tired as I start out this day. A couple days ago I asked Tristan to leave for a couple days. Not because I didn't want to be with him or because I don't love him but because I realize I've become so dependent on him and I needed some space and I needed to know that I can still do things on my own.

When he's here I feel like my schedule revolves around his and all I want to do is see him and spend time with him. As great as that is it doesn't always happen and I get frustrated wasting my whole day. Then I get angry at him when really he didn't do anything. It was me.

My Tristan does a lot, he helps out with Logan mostly and sometimes it frustrates me because I did it all on my own before he was even someone I knew I loved. And now I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.

This week for the first time in a while I got to put Logan to bed And wake up with him Allllll through out the night just because he couldn't sleep or had to pee or simply wanted to be in bed with me and for the first time in more than a while I put him back in his bed instead of giving in. I know this cost me HOURS of sleep but it had to be done. Quite specifically, last night, Logan woke up... five or six times. The last time being at 7:30am He sleeps until at Least 8am and I was Not ready to wake up and with all his waking up I figured No Way is he ready to wake up. I was wrong. He laid in my bed with me waking me up nearly every time I fell asleep til I felt like the Grinch that Wanted to steal Christmas. I just wanted to cry and scream. I'm so tired on top of being pregnant.

At the same time it's kind of satisfying knowing that I can still get out of bed, take care of my child, not want to wake up in the morning and still somehow manage to burn the one thing I've been making all my life and knock out some chores. Before Tristan I woke up with Logan all through out the night, I stayed up later, I breastfed, I woke up before Logan did and I had time to myself in the mornings. I have No recollection as to how this was all possible just that once Tristan and I started dating my schedule flipped to his and I lost my me time.

I think the part that smarts is Tristan telling me how tired he is and how he needs sleep because he's getting up with Logan, him trying to give me advice on how to handle him when I feel like hey... wait a minute. I did all this without you and now you want to tell me how it is? Then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

I want time to spend with Logan, to say hey, I still know how to take care of my child, to relax and clean the things I can't otherwise clean and not have to worry about tornadoes following after. I want time to sew and cook and not have to worry about being quiet or planning my day around someone else. I want time to sit at the computer and write and think about my life. I want time to just dilly dally. I want time to mess up and know that these are my mistakes, that I forgot to vacuum or I forgot to load the dishwasher or put the clothes in the dryer. I want time to not be so angry and resentful.

To be honest, I miss the days when we first started dating and even when we spent every waking moment together I still got messaged on facebook or texted how much I was missed. I miss the beginning of our relationship and the excitement and while there is the comfort of knowing that Tristan has put up with a lot from me and he's not going anywhere and now we're going to have a child together and I get to spend the rest of my life with the greatest man God could've given me ... I miss date night. I miss getting out of the house and taking time for each other. I miss the extra effort put in to "hellos" and "good byes", the "I miss yous".

I'm hoping that by the time that Tristan comes home I will have missed him so much that all the rest just goes out the window. I know I'm in a relationship for the long haul I'm just seeking some self satisfying independence. Which isn't to say that I can't stop calling or texting him to share something silly or just to hear his voice. I love him more than words could ever convey. This is what I get for falling in love with the boy next door so to speak.

More so, this is what I get for not writing in so long and hopefully for anyone who actually reads this it won't always be like this. I think the next couple of days I'll go post happy and take a chill pill to the norm??? Maybe.