Grandma

I need you now, more than ever, to tell me what to do. Things seem to be falling apart at the seems. When you died you left this un-fillable void that seems to be turning in to a black hole and taking everything with it.

I took you for granted. I looked to you for all the answers, expecting you to always be here for me, to always be at my beck and call. But you weren't a beck and call, you were a grandmother, a person with your own needs and sometimes I feel like I didn't respect those needs.

With your death I have learned so much, mostly regrets. I regret not visiting more, not asking more, listening more. I regret the things we had planned to do that now sit stacked with dust, or worse yet in garbage bags. I have more regrets about what didn't happen then what did and it scares me.

I miss you. I'm so lost now and all I can think about doing is asking you to fix it. With your death I've realized just how much control I have over my own life and the choices in it. I've learned that if I'm not happy with the outcome of things then I'd better start doing something different, unfortunately, the thing I need to quit doing ... is trying.

I feel like I need your approval, like I need you to tell me that it's going to be okay, to tell me that what I'm doing is right. In the end I realize all I have is myself.

Although no one will ever fill your place, and you will eternally be missed I know that it's time for me to close this chapter in my life and start a new one, I just hope you can forgive me. This isn't what I wanted but I feel I have no other choice.