Friday, April 15, 2011


I need you now, more than ever, to tell me what to do. Things seem to be falling apart at the seems. When you died you left this un-fillable void that seems to be turning in to a black hole and taking everything with it.

I took you for granted. I looked to you for all the answers, expecting you to always be here for me, to always be at my beck and call. But you weren't a beck and call, you were a grandmother, a person with your own needs and sometimes I feel like I didn't respect those needs.

With your death I have learned so much, mostly regrets. I regret not visiting more, not asking more, listening more. I regret the things we had planned to do that now sit stacked with dust, or worse yet in garbage bags. I have more regrets about what didn't happen then what did and it scares me.

I miss you. I'm so lost now and all I can think about doing is asking you to fix it. With your death I've realized just how much control I have over my own life and the choices in it. I've learned that if I'm not happy with the outcome of things then I'd better start doing something different, unfortunately, the thing I need to quit doing ... is trying.

I feel like I need your approval, like I need you to tell me that it's going to be okay, to tell me that what I'm doing is right. In the end I realize all I have is myself.

Although no one will ever fill your place, and you will eternally be missed I know that it's time for me to close this chapter in my life and start a new one, I just hope you can forgive me. This isn't what I wanted but I feel I have no other choice.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I'm Back!

After being pregnant, having my daughter and my grandma's death I was Exhausted! I can't say that I'm not tired, but I can say that I'm motivated again. My dining room disaster is now a mess, our kitchen has been clean for a week straight... WOW! The floor looks nice, our bathroom is finally cleaned ... now to tackle our pup (who was recently fixed!!!!) and our room ;)

I want to write, I want to sew, to paint. Not all in one day obviously, not to overwhelm myself. I need more paints, I need the border to my Finally finished quilt. I want to start Tristan's quilt this week. I need to get the pictures off my table and finalized in to boxes to be packed back to Centralia.

I have no idea where my family stands. The phone and in person are two completely different things. Lately I feel I have no family except my brothers and sisters and right now I'm grateful for that. Uncle Josh has been visiting more, Aunty Chantal actually stayed a weekend and I finally met Aunty Kaili. :) It excites me, having brothers and sisters, more than I can say.

Aunty Summer (Tristan's sister) is in the hospital. She's only 21 weeks. Her placenta is attached to the cervix and it's slowly peeling away. She's having a little girl, although right now things aren't looking good. The best thing to do is to be hopeful, pray. She's a lot stronger than I am, that's all I can say.

Logan is learning to finally potty on his own, as far as pulling up his own pants and underwear go. He's still in love with his sister who is completely in love with him as well as her daddy. Her smile stretches for miles when they're around and she can't take her eyes off of them. It's quite cute. Logan is also vocalizing more, he's singing on his own as well as lyrics to songs and surprising me daily with the things he knows and shows.

Olivia is so wide eyed and alert ... and beautiful it astounds me. She was going to bed at midnight every night and waking up around 11-noon, sleeping through the night. The last couple days has been closer to 10pm. Yay! She's still sleeping through the night and I might actually get sleep if I could sleep.

My goal is to limit the tv time which I know will make a huge difference, have Logan in bed my 8pm and myself in bed by 10pm, which of course is up to Olivia. But I figure summer is coming and I want to start waking up earlier, getting more done, or having more time to do nothing at all except play with the kids.