Sunday, August 28, 2011

Deadlines and Updates

October 1st. That's our goal, our personal deadline, our take no prisoners mark. All I want is to go to Westport for my birthday, to paint some decorations for the big move and to finish my sewing projects.

Garage sale coming before the end of September, I think that's a must. There will be a beautiful aray of stuff there in a hasteful need to rid clutter and turn a buck.

About $150 to change my name and about a thousand after filing, fees and background checks for adoption. *big sigh* I don't want income tax spent before we get it. :/

My grandma Micheline called for Logan's birthday, her goal is to move back to the United States... and she laughed, she was happy. It was nice talking to her, I miss her so much.

Logan's birthday was a stressful accomplished hit with pictures to come. I'm proud of myself <3

Quilt is almost done, sewing machine died, pictures on that to come too...

Sunday, August 21, 2011

panic sets in

After angsty teen hormones and years of being a shitty daughter and grand daughter I had children. It made me get my priorities in order and I wanted my family to draw closer. Over the last 3 years I've been working hard to make up for lost time. Then, my grandma dies. Just as I'm getting my shit together, just as I'm trying to make up for lost time. Its made me realize so many things and I've been trying to step up for my grandma in France.

Truth is she left when I was like in 4th grade and I miss her terribly. Now that I'm trying to be everything she wants... its been a month since I've heard from her. Its scaring me and prompted me to attempt to call hospitals in France. That was interesting to say the least and I know my brain is wired to think the worst, but I'm trying here and she's acting out of character. Whre is she? Why isn't she writing back, calling or answering her phone?

Last time it was because she was in the hospital. And I'm such a shitty space cadet I don't remember what for. I don't know how id handle something happening to her. She's pretty much the only family I have left. I will say my fear of flying dwindled with my conversations with fluent french speakers. I need a passport.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

l'ecole de culinaire

I'm torn between my need for space and independance and my need to always be around my children. Id like to start culinary school in January... but I don't want to work And go to school at those hours and miss my family. At the same time, it could be something great For my family in the long run. *sigh* I know I'm scared. Its what I've wanted my whole life. I just chose to do things backwards.

Friday, August 5, 2011


I've been working on something for a week now, something that's been eating me alive for months. I finished it yesterday and mailed it out. I feel peace. Last night the dream I have every night changed. Or maybe I felt differently about it, because I Did something about it. Either way its inspired me to do more. A movement of letting go. Wish me luck.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Home is wherever im with you

This year has been more than crazy. My baby girl was born, my grandmother whom I was more than close with has passed and in doing so took all the ties to my family, we lost a niece in a way too short lived life, and a water leak led to mushrooms and a health scare which has landed us homeless. What we thought would be two weeks has turned in to 3+ months and I'm not even sure how it happened. On top of it I have sperm donors knocking down the doors and still a rocky relationship with the biologicals as well as an idiot brother, bless his soul <3.

I don't feel like I've got to enjoy my kids, or my spouse since all this went down. I felt like my after baby energy had just restored itself, its since been replaced with depression. I know its a depression only time will heal. I know we'll be taken care of, that we've been being taken care of, I know God provides all and with patience a good ending is always inevitable, or a good middle. I also know we need to take charge of our own lives and buckle down. We're a work in progress.

I love the ceramics store, very theraputic. Hoarders has me a little worried. I need to jump on the band wagon and get more done. Then I wouldn't feel so cluttered, collective or wasteful... work in progress remember.

I feel like I'm too judgemental on my family and at the same time, what am I getting? My counselor said to toss and I think I'm ready too, not like much will change.

Much needs to change. Today I'm starting, wish us luck. <3

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

a still moment

In grieving there are moments where I feel like I slammed in to a brick wall and there's no where to go or anything else to do but face the pain, the loss. Right now I am having one of those in your face moments, months later and probably for the rest of my life. I miss my grandma. I miss her comfort, her voice, her laugh, her love. I want so badly to talk to her right now, to ask and tell her so many things. l feel like my heart is breaking all over again.