Saturday, September 24, 2011

Na Na Na Na Life Goes On

It seems like life is going forward for everybody but me; traveling, hiking, shopping trips, business decisions, careers... and I? I'm a mom. A mom by choice to two beautiful children but I feel stuck and I only have myself to blame.

I choose to stay at home and keep my kids out of daycare, I choose to be a crafty lady and not save up any money for any real investments. I choose to wait to go back to school.

Going back to school is freaking me out. I know nothing comes free and I know the whole point is to start my career, but once I go to school there's over $300 a month in student loans to pay back on top of looking for a job or planning my own business if that's what I decide. I don't want to work for anybody, I know things don't come handed to you, I just know what I'm passionate about.

Right now it's my kids, but I'm not even going to lie. I wish I could take random spur of the moment trips, leave the state for a week, a month and not think twice. I wish I had time to stay up late and wake up early and not have consequences as to wether or not the kids got enough sleep or if they're okay with the plans or even wether or not I can take them where I'm going, Kimber too.

While the tottering thought of having another child or not is lingering in the back of my mind I feel trapped with the ones I already have.

I can't say I don't enjoy spending every waking moment with them, that they don't make me laugh and nothing can replace the happiness they bring me, I can't say that I don't love their hugs and kisses or "I love you's" more than life itself, because I do, they're my world. ( Even as the little one is copying my keys strokes at the threat of destroying this whole post ) I love them more than life itself. I just wish we could do more, I wish could Be more, for myself, for them, for Tristan.

The only thing I desire to do is to learn to sew better, to mix and match coordinating fabrics, to learn to make a soufle, to become a "master chef", ( yes, even with my picky palet), to travel to exotic places - in the contiguous United States and maybe Maybe one day be not so afraid to fly to France ( and live to tell the tale ).

I envy people doing what they want, when they want, where they want, as long or late as they want. At this point, I just want my home back, my kitchen. I want to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert for my family, I want to cuddle up and watch a comedy, I want to light a fire, plant a garden, I want bike rides, bowling leagues, soccer teams and scrapbooking clubs.

*sigh* I want my life to go on (na na na)

Friday, September 16, 2011

Me and the woman who birthed me

I don't feel that Facebook is the appropriate place to blog. Somehow I justify strangers potentially reading my soul as a little more tolerant.

I just got off the phone with my mom. I had to take the battery out as the hang up button disappeared completely. I can tolerate her, be nice to her, until she starts ranting and raving about being a great mother, about all these great memories I don't have, about her being home and there for me. *cough cough BULL SHIT cough cough*

I went days without food, I sometimes had lunch money and other days would eat friends scraps. She made it a point to be there more for my friends who she thought didn't have parents than she was for me. I remember missing school to be home with my sister, I remember not being sober because of her. I remember her having no clue as to how I felt or who I was. I remember her hurting me on a daily basis and journals chopped full of reasons I hated her. I don't remember this sunshine and rainbow she talks about.

I asked to borrow her sewing machine, mine is currently inoperable and taking my sanity with it. She said no, simply because its hers. Had I been my brothers girlfriend or my own friend, "poor thing". She said I can't use it because... its hers. That's it. And all I asked for was a week. A week of sanity and a moment apart from tears. She said to pay to fix mine, $180. She said we should have the money because we make more than her. We have two kids and debt. She went on and on with excuses, telling me to tell everyone else to take care of it like they were indebted to me in her mind.

I try and try and try to have a relationship with this woman who gave birth to me but for the love of God I don't think its possible. I hold her accountable to too much and all I want her to do is acknowledge it. Its not going to happen.

I'm tired of feeling so invisible to everyone.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

The Great Debate on Love

While watching House last night two men found themselves in discussion. One man had been on three dates with his wife, the other married for 10yrs. While these examples are terrible their words effected me.

The longer married man said he loved his wife as much as he did the first day he met her, the other said, "Shouldn't you love her more as time goes by?"

I don't know about you but the greatest part of a relationship is the beginning; the butterflies, the excitement, realizing that you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.

I think it takes a lot more work to feel that way as the relationship goes on and that it's something to be cherished if it can be held on to.