Thursday, December 30, 2010

Christmas Cookies

I threw a Christmas Baking Party which turned in to me making fifty thousand batches of cookies for my friends and Logan to decorate and take home, which I was fine with. I had a really good time as well as good food.

For the party I made gingerbread men, peppermint candy canes, butterscotch stained glass stars and citrus snowflake cookies. I made a white chicken chili for us to eat and balance out the sweets as well as tried this new frosting with meringue powder. It was interesting. I really wanted to turn out these peppermint cups which I actually think I might make some time this week.

Logan had a blast and took his decorating Very seriously. I was impressed to watch him.

This is me, Logan, Aunty Colleen and Aunty Monica. I didn't get a picture of Aunty Monica's cookies but both her and Aunty Colleen did a Great job decorating the cookies and they were all quite beautiful.

In the end I made gingerbread men, stained glass stars, citrus cookies, peppermint candy canes and Christmas trees in white chocolate. They were delicious.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Christmas Tradition

Kmart is having a Christmas Tradition contest, this was my entry and I thought I'd share.

This is my sons 2nd participating Christmas. He's 2 1/2. Since he's been old enough to sit up I have him help me make holiday cards and Christmas is no exception.

Not only does he get to color Christmas cards but a tradition we've started is him making something for everyone. I want him to know how important it is to not only get but to give.

Last year he made Rudolph fridge magnets and painted Christmas bulbs. This year along with his cards he gets to decorate wooden ornaments. He's had quite a blast personalizing each and every one and choosing who gets what.

I think it's important to take time to think of others and give back, even if it is only just a little something. People aren't personal anymore.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Baby Blues???

Feeling rather stressed out lately, depressed. Too many thoughts on my mind. Too much going on. Too much to do, too much not to do.

My grandparents aren't doing so well. A week or two ago I was talking to my grandma. She's a bit worried about my grandpa. He had a stroke the day before Mother's Day. I was there. He refused the 9-1-1 call, the ambulance, the pleas and cries. He refused to live. Thing is, you don't always die of a stroke. It can paralyze you, leave you brain dead. In his case, his brilliant mind is sometimes stunted and he can't always get the words out. Even just sometimes, but it embarrasses him and he walks away.

He has apparently had two since, or heart attacks? I'm not sure. I didn't get this out like I'd wanted from her. I do know that he was due for an MRI because of it and that the doctors were baffled because they couldn't Do the MRI. His heart was working too hard and too irregular to analyze, or whatever it is that they do. This next week he will probably need heart surgery. I'm not sure what they're going to do. The only thing my grandma is semi certain they will do is to shock is heart and try and get it to beat regularly. She's scared. I'm scared. I love him too much, I need him too much.

My grandma has problems of her own, the most recent not appropriate to post. Just a near hospital visit that probably would've made her sicker or kept her in there past her expiration date.

I've been feeling tired lately, which doesn't help with this depression. We recently made a trip to Centralia. Before we left I virtually had everything clean to where we come home and I vacuum. Well, that and having to wash Every single thing we took because the smoke. x_X

We got there late Wednesday, stayed up til midnight, woke up at 8am, had a little nap, got home around 11pm, went to bed later, woke up at noon, went to bed last night around 11 or midnight and woke up at like 10am this morning. My schedule is off. I'm exhausted. Logan is having little bouts of fits, which is fine I'm just too tired to deal with them. Tristan has gotten Way more sleep than I these last couple days. It's draining me.

I'm sooo glad I got to see my grandparents, regardless of it throwing off our schedule. Next time I'll just make sure we leave at a more reasonable hour. I got some pictures, I got some bonding done. I feel like an idiot that I didn't talk more. I made some chocolate and peanut butter fudge, Tristan made dinner. I wanted to help more than I did. I wanted to stay longer than I did. When I went to leave I felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest and that this really was "good bye". It's terrible. I should have more faith than that. They can't leave before meeting Olivia, can they???

I spent all yesterday cleaning and catching up on laundry, washing my Christmas dishes, fixing our bed to where it's more sleepable. I was ready to wake up and make cookies. Aside from not sleeping last night, the power went out. When I woke up at 10am ready to wake up Tristan just wanted to sleep more. Waiting for the power to come back on was a waste because he still had to go to the store. I didn't know we didn't have eggs. I was going to start cookies.

When he got back he programmed and I made him breakfast then he left for work. :( I really wanted him to help with Logan so I didn't have to watch him while doing everything I have to do. I made the first batch of cookies and when I went to roll it out it wasn't usable because it was too soft. Took me long enough with Logan screaming for me every five minutes and throwing fits. I just want to cry.

I'm not stressed out about cookies. I'm stressed out about not getting them done, of trying to make cookies, breakfast, lunch and dinner, watch Logan and entertain him and clean the house and dishes as I go while making sure I'm not avoiding anyone.

I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now other than completely alone, invisible. Logan is down for a nap. He threw his cup on the floor, he did this for the first time at my grandma's and broke her glass and splattered milk every where. I should take a nap too. In fact, I'm going to. Maybe when I wake up I will have a refreshed energy and some better luck at tackling my tasks???

I'm excited about the things I'm making. I'll post pictures for who ever reads this when I'm done.

Oh, and I finally got some things at Joann's for Christmas for every body. Logan finished them last night quite happily. We just have cards to finish and labels for the tins. :) This makes me happy.

The worst part is, watching Logan color last night and feeling so happy at us just sitting there together, I felt like I didn't deserve it and that something must be wrong and the world was going to end. I kid you not. This has happened since he's been born. He makes me so happy and when we're having so much fun I feel like this means I'm going to die soon. :( I don't like it, I don't know how to get rid of it. I wish I could go back to counseling. I'm a mess.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

We're Having a Baby!!!

For most of you this comes as no surprise. Like I've said before, Tristan and I have had our forgetful moments.

Recently the Braxton Hicks have been so prevalent that I almost forgot what it was like to feel Olivia on regular intervals. In some instances, I feel like I've gotten used to this weight and thus have adapted to it and don't feel pregnant at all, but rather round. Only when she tosses and turns do I realize once again that there is a little girl growing inside of me.

Tristan recently moved our shelf off the wall on my side of the bed. This is where Olivia's bassinet is going to go and it's safest this way. The room feels quite empty though without the actual bassinet. We have quite a bit to do, which Could be stressful except in knowing that what we have to do won't take much time, it's just a matter of doing it.

Last night was no exception to the recent flurry of acid reflux. I had no hopes of sleeping, or getting comfortable. [I've begun a new affair with Calcium Magnesium & Fish Oils - it's better than sleep meds] I propped myself on five or six pillows and laid on my back holding my tummy feeling Olivia when I could. As I did this I imagined her, then for some stupid reason I imagined how much time I had left to meet her.

Five and a half weeks to eight and a half weeks. A little over a month? Really? I started to panic. I couldn't breath. Labor. I'm going to have to deliver a baby in a little over a month. Am I ready for this? Was I ready the first time? Well, I was only ready because I didn't know what to expect. This time I'm scared. More so than with Logan.

I'm freaking out about where we're going to deliver. I'm freaking out about who's going to be there, about how it's going to happen. I just want it to be over with. I'm terrified and I want to know everything is going to be alright, I want to see her in my arms.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Forever and Ever... and Ever and Ever

This last week Logan was being quite the toad, and a messy one at that.

The only thing I could think to say to him as I started cleaning him up was, "Logan, I love you."

He looks back at me, "Forever and ever, mom?"

"Yes, Logan, forever and ever."

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

I'm finding myself quite frustrated lately. This frustration varies in degrees and in various things, consisting of but not limited to; my family, my mother in particular, my mother in law for various reasons or misunderstandings or whatever, my house, my procrastination, this season, the past, the present and the future, my belly and discomforts and more so.... the mister.

It's normal to have separate hobbies, interests, goals etc. It's "normal" for guys not to be interested in girly things. It's normal to be different. But is it so normal to not only be from Mars and Venus, but to stay there?

How is it that I'm supposed to understand programming, zombies, end of the world stories, fish tanks and all their drama, the ins and outs of labs, graphic foreign films, terrible action adventures and countless other things... but the moment I go to share I get a grunt, an "it's not my thing" or just am completely ignored or given some excuse... "I have the rabies... get back."

It's hard not to compare past relationships in trying to find logic in this. It's hard not to think of tons of movies where the men may not understand but they try to be supportive and pretend to be interested or care enough to Take interest.

Never have I been in such a stationary relationship. Yes, I was younger. Yes, I didn't have kids. But my sense of adventure has not gone out the window. Where did the rest of the world go?

I feel completely hurt now, and disappointed. I didn't see myself like this. I don't want to consider myself trapped. I know I am my own person and I can still do the things I did before... alone. But isn't that the whole point of being in a relationship? To Not be alone?

I wake up alone, I eat alone, I go to bed alone. Aside from Logan, I am always alone. I've said before, I don't mind doing all the cooking, cleaning and maintenance of the house. The part that bothers me is the part that I can't get help sometimes with out gripe. It's not even that I Want the help, it's that I want to know that someone is Willing to help and not just dismiss everything because they think they're better than it.

I'm frustrated because I feel taken for granted. I'm seven months pregnant now. I don't feel pregnant. I don't want to be babied but I hate to say it, when I lived with my mom, she did more for me in understanding. Ya she is a woman, but a cold hearted one, comparable to man. She Offered to rub my feet because they were hurting or swollen, she offered to help out any way she could because she knew I shouldn't be lifting or doing some of the things that I was doing or needing to do. Now? If I'm crying because my back hurts, or literally can't walk because my feet hurt, or need something moved that I clearly should not move... I have to deal with it, double up on aspirin, throw out my back and dislocate myself.

I'm not asking to be treated like a princess or a gimp. I'm asking to be acknowledged. I feel like nothing has changed, my body is not creating life or going through terrible discomfort or changes, I'm just getting fat because. We're down to the wire, we missed the birthing classes. In its place we were given books on labor and delivery. His reading streak consisting of something like 10+ books has now came to an end and he can no longer read... I feel like I'm in this alone.

I don't expect an inhabitant from Mars to sit down and sew with me or discuss the best pattern for cross stitch but where's the time together? It Used to be in the kitchen. Holiday cards, that's my thing, has been since Logan's been born. But when I have like 20 cards to make and get out and they involve more than my family Some kind of help would be appreciated. And if I go through the trouble to make them I would hope they all get sent. I can't even get a group effort on this one, just to spend time together. Cookies? Nope.

Tonight I tried getting help in the kitchen to make cookies. I thought it would be fun, that we could take and eat deliciousness. I got griping, constant griping the entire freaking time, from the moment I asked to the moment we actually made them. I ended up finishing them while someone else went back to his own hobby. So much for quality time. Apparently that can only be spent in front of the television. Wonderful.

I'm tired of feeling alone, of feeling isolated. I'm tired of hearing that he shouldn't have to do anything or participate in home activities. I'm tired of hearing how boring his job is, or how much he gets done, like reading and drawing and now, programming. Wow, so glad you have all this personal time... and then tell me you need personal time at home. I'm glad that I don't work ... my job is 24-7, no breaks, no personal time, no vacations or leave. But yes, you go right ahead and stay in bed and ignore the world around you. I'm Tired of it.

I'm tired of being behind and not getting anything done or taken care of because I'm waiting for we'll do it laters. I'm tired of putting my life on hold and waiting for something to happen that never does. I'm so tired of waiting. I am miserable and depressed. This is not a pregnancy hormone. I've been feeling this way a long time, hoping that it would change. Hoping Something would be realized, that I would be respected or acknowledged.

I don't even know what to get excited about anymore? Why should I? Especially if I'm the only one putting in effort. Our anniversary? My birthday? I know, this has passed, but hey, why should things change? Should I go through the effort of getting excited for Christmas and making a big deal out of it only to hear on the day that there was no time to do anything or someone was busy? Should I set myself up for disappointment or just give up now? Should I keep trying, holding out for something that clearly will never change. It's not the gift I'm seeking, but the thought. At this point, I can Honestly say I don't want anything. All I wanted for my birthday or our anniversary, literally, was a homemade card and a boxed cake. Effort?

My initial draw to my source was ambition, motivation. Since our colliding it's all gone out the window. My past relationships involved travels and adventure, even in a lack of cash. Money helps, but it's just an excuse. I'm not asking for a trip to Vegas or Hollywood. I can't even get a walk down the road. I can't get him to leave the house. It's like he's died inside and I feel responsible.

Our relationship went south New Years of last and picked up a little when I moved in with my dad. Down hill again when we moved here and now it's just up and down, unpredictable and lacking any enthusiasm, passion or motivation. I say these things because they bother me. I say these things because I miss the man I fell in love with, or maybe I was blinded by mere childhood fairy tales. Is it too late to get these things back? Will a child just crush the pieces of the puzzle making them irrevocably fixable?

I feel alone now, I'm going to feel So much more alone and depressed when she's here. I don't want to feel like that, like this, isolated.

Yesterday I found myself completely in tears, strung out with thoughts. Instead of asking what's wrong, I get a, "Are you really going to act like this?" Upon bringing that point up much later... I still haven't been asked what was wrong. I spent all yesterday in tears and he doesn't even know why, doesn't care why. The reason? Could be life altering, earth shattering. But ya know, I'm just a pregnant bitch with an attitude.

How are men and women so different that they don't even feel the same things? Value the same things? How do people connect anymore? How do I find my happiness? If I'm going to feel alone would it be easier to Be alone?

*disclaimer: I'm not saying my mister does nothing for me. I'm grateful to be at home, I'm grateful for the roof over my head and my occasional surprise meal... I'm complaining about the connection that some how got... disconnected. I want to feel something more

Logan of the Week

[just because it's the funniest]

Tristan had a subscription to Maxim and apparently hasn't let them go. One particular issue has Lindsey Lohan in a swimsuit on the front cover, as well as a little magazine with it or from somewhere else with college hotties in swimsuits.

Logan first started out like this... "Mom, really want this one." Of course, pointing to Lindsey Lohan. This is definitely not a Walmart catalog.

Then, I found him looking at the college hotties in swimsuits. One in particular was holding something in the place of her exaggerated breasts. With his tiny little finger pointed right at the targets... "Mom, Really want this one."

Last but not least, the one that got these magazines taken away and hidden til he's moved out... a college hottie on the front of a ship, in her swimsuit, very provocative with her legs spread. This one took the shame. He couldn't even use his little pointer finger. Instead, he used mine. Pointing to the place you're imagining... "Mom, really want this one."

When asked if they were his girlfriends, Tristan got smacked and told to, "Stop it dad." He was embarrassed. Heck, I'm embarrassed, and quite glad he's only two and that these images won't stick... and that Tristan owns this trash, but it's a guy thing, and I own things too. ♥

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Olivia Adalene

Today I was putting away Logan's laundry and cleaning his bed. He had an accident last night. I'm finding that he now only seems to have accidents when I bathe him before bed. I think we're done with that, but I can tell you, he wets the bed a Lot less than I did in the 4th grade. Ya, I was a bed wetter. Anyways, Olivia owns half the room and Logan was putting his hands through the bars in her crib to rub the silkies of her blanket.

Me, being me, lifted him up in to her crib. It's his sister, I want them to be comfortable, I want him to be used to her and not think of her as an invading alien. He was quite pleased. He grabbed her seahorse and laid down. Then, he played with all her stuffed animals and asked for his seahorse, and his dragon. [she has one too] and then proceeded to have the animals talk to each other. Quite cute.

Pretty soon there's going to be a live baby in there, a real little girl, all hairy and pink. Pretty soon our lives are going to turn upside down overwhelmed with more love than we already have and definitely more laughs.

This morning we were all laying in the front room cuddling, watching cartoons and Logan was sitting between Tristan and I. I said I couldn't wait for Olivia to be here, to be sitting here laughing and playing. He hadn't realized until now that we're not only having a baby, but a child. But I'm the one with issues since I forgot that I get to Deliver a baby. :p Ya, we're clearly ready for this. Bahahaha.

I can't wait to hold her, to cuddle with her. To have her sit between us all and laugh and smile, to see her and Logan being weirdos and us not understanding a thing they're doing in their own universal language. He's such a sweet heart I don't see how they can't get along.

It's definitely going to be a whole new adventure compared to the one I had with Logan, and I'm ready for it. I know I'll be tired at first, and in pain with breastfeeding and all. I know I'll hate my body, do hate my body. But I also know that the pain will fade, the weight will drop and the energy will return and all this will all be a memory as I'm begging for it all back because truly, it all happens so fast.

I swear just yesterday Logan was cuddled up on the couch with me, passed out on my chest, or learning to eat food food, or learning to stand. Just yesterday he was my little baby.

Pink. I can't wait for a world of pink and girly things, frilly skirts and hair bows, princess' and dolls. I can't wait to see them playing together, to hear her voice.

The way Logan was or is with her seahorse, completely needy and cuddly with it, giving it kisses, makes me smile. He had that thing Everywhere with him when he was younger, til the battery case rotted and I had to pull it out. And I didn't realized he missed it so. He actually started playing with it a lot more Before we got hers. I'd really like to buy another one for him. I think I'm going to have to, especially so he doesn't steal hers when it's down and out of its current resting spot.

A boy and his seahorse

Friday, December 3, 2010

Ma Famille

I swear, the more I try and be there and pretend things are okay for the sake of having a relationship the more they resist. I quit.

I would Love my sister to come over and hang out, veg, watch movies, make a mess and do some crafts with. She won't respond to me what so ever when it involves me inviting her over.

My brother now lives down the street from me, is going through a lot with a lot of crappy people. Technically, we're the only people with some sort of structure going on, trying to get our lives together. As of right now, no drugs, no alcohol, no drama. Invite him over for dinner, for games, for anything. I get really rude remarks back, a wall. He feels the need to act all tough like he doesn't need anybody. Psh, we were all we had for years. He's my brother and some day I hope he'll see I'm here.

Called my mother today for the first time in a couple days, just to say hi. I'm sure I had something to say but she always cuts me off and bitches and complains about something to where I'm just listening and can't think for two seconds. "She's in pain" which means she can talk for hours but has to go the second I say something because she just can't deal. She informed me she got us some Christmas presents and apparently me talking was yelling in her ear, and me talking to Logan was yelling in her ear, and Logan talking was yelling in her ear. I told her fifty times, I was not yelling. "Her ears were sensitive". She got all huffy puffy and irritated with me and asked what I wanted. I was like whatever, I just called to say hi but screw this, and hung up... completely alone, isolated.

My grandma. The only one I really have that I can talk to anymore, she's sick again. I called her yesterday and she's having some serious problems breathing and suspended herself to the couch. Today I learned that she also hurt her side carrying her purse, she usually carries it with her hands. She's as bad as me, what am I going to do with her? She's on oxygen, resisting to rest, and go to the hospital. I get it, every time she goes there its for way longer than she should be and she contracts something that we've never heard of before. I just want her to be okay. I hate when she can barely talk and gets short of breath. I hate wondering if she'll answer tomorrow, and I do.

I called my mom to tell her of this, that's right. But alas, I didn't get two seconds in. She was too focused on herself. I pray for the love of God that I am not like this. I know I like to talk, it's true. I just hope that I listen too. I hope that I'm a good friend, a good ear, a good something.

I called my dad too, I forgot my phone doesn't work and I haven't heard from him in a while. He told me to come over and I said Tristan had the van. It really irritates me when Every body gets irritated that Tristan has the van. a] Tristan is working and taking care of things b] it gets better gas mileage right now c] if I need it, he will leave it d] what's your situation again?

On a self note, I'm feeling rather depressed. Self inflicted. I feel like a bitch. I feel like people are not happy with me, that I'm a terrible friend, daughter, grand daughter, sister, girlfriend... I feel like too much. As isolated as I feel I feel like a younger version of my mother. I don't want people to hate me, to avoid me. I want to be a good friend, a great friend. I want to be a good daughter and the grand daughter my grandparents deserve. I want to be a sister my siblings can rely on, want to see. I want to be the girlfriend that has her shit together, that you can rely on, that makes you happy, the helps you out instead of stresses you out.

I feel so helpless right now. I want to cry, but now that I've vented I think I'm going to block it out, indulge in the last three cookies and finish What About the Morgans?

Have a good night

Logan of the Day

Logan is currently taking his medical tweezers and picking up sewing thread and other particles that will not vacuum up on our little rug. It's quite hilarious. I even gave him a little cup to collect his specimens in.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Family Get Togethers and the Stomach Flu

This last weekend we went to Auburn for Julia's Blessing. We stayed Saturday night and came home Sunday, with little sleep. It was so much fun though, 10 grandkids, 7 my age adults, 2 parents and 2 grandparents. Whooo! Lots of noise, lots of bonding.

I was hesitant at first because Tristan was experiencing cold chills and sweats and I was thinking of all we could be contaminating. He decided he was fine enough for the trip though and we ended up going, only to find that everyone there was coughing or sick in some way, and later learned we were exposed to the stomach flu. Go figure?

It was really good getting together like that, especially after missing Thanksgiving with everyone, and going to miss Christmas. I'm glad Tristan got to spend time with his Whole family, just sucked he had to work quite a bit out of that time.

Logan had a blast too playing with Abby and Carter. Watching him laugh hysterically at the little things they were doing or having their conversations without words made me all that more excited for Olivia. I also realized an over stuffed table and meal prayer had been something I had been missing, as well as Kim's delicious cooking.

I managed to get a Christmas dress, I look like a hippo, and some stockings and earrings. Tristan, a matching shirt for some hopefully soon holiday pictures. Oh, this time it approaches fastly. I feel so behind and this sickness isn't helping.

We came home Sunday night and I threw my back out. Epic fail, fourth time this year. I was in tears. I am sooo completely frustrated. I called Ann and she said a hot bath, extra calcium magnesium and extra fish oils, yum! It worked.

I will however say, that while in my bath I thought it might help if Logan colored on the floor so I knew where he was and that he was okay. My little mermaid was feeling dehydrated and couldn't keep his hands out of my bath, which then led to him dumping cups of water on me and soaking wet clothes. Which led of course to him trying to take his clothes of or just jump in head first. So much for a relaxing bath. My tub was then filled with Kimber hair and Logan crusties. Wonderful feeling. I decided to forfeit and let Logan have the bath.

That night was the best night's sleep I've had in possibly months. I don't know if it was the lack of sleep in Auburn or the calcium pills or what. I didn't move. Tristan said he was so jealous hearing me snore all night. Wonderful, I snore.

Monday kicked off with us listening to and seeing Olivia. She's also head down. Wahoo! Next stop, my mom's for the kids' dresser and then to Auburn for Kimber's dog food [which we forgot anyways] to print out coupons for food and pick up the phone charger we forgot. We were greeted with a "what do you think you're doing here?" A serious warning to the sickness within the walls. Vomiting and diarrhea. Wonderful.

I started to panic already feeling hot and shakey, thinking this was what was next, dreading getting it. I kept telling myself, mine was from something I ate, or being pregnant, or hungry, doing anything to talk myself out of sickness... it worked.

My cuddly little snuggle monster is quite the charmer. I love it when I do something for him and don't think much of it, but he takes the time to say thank you. I love it when I sneeze or even cough and he's Supposed to be sleeping and I hear, "bless you mom". It makes me feel good inside.

That night I felt so much better I figured I would tackle laundry. Our bed was Covered. Logan woke up half way through and Tristan was working grave yard, and to be honest I just wanted to cuddle. I didn't even bother putting him back to bed in his own bed and told him to lay down while I did laundry. 3/4 way through my load Logan looks at me and says, "thank you mom." I said, "thank you for what?" Which led him to look around and then back at me, "doing laundry." Awwww, my heart stopped. Who in the entire world gets thanked for doing laundry? Especially by a 2yr old. I either have a serious sweet heart on my hands or a little boy that knows how to play his mother.

3:30am I get a call from Tristan. He's sick and shakey at work, ready to puke and wants me to call his supervisor [I have his phone since mine is busted and well, emergencies]. I'm thinking great, it's here. Of course, his wonderful supervisor didn't answer, and of course Tristan got sicker. I felt terrible and helpless and laid in bed unable to sleep, waiting for it. Heck, I even Dreamt about it. Luckily, I didn't get it.

Tristan's supervisor showed up a whole half hour early, whoo. When Tristan crawled in to bed I just imagined this giant bacteria laying next to me. It made it all that much more impossible to sleep or get comfortable. Especially when he jumped up to puke his guts out in our absolutely Not sound proof bathroom. I cringed, I even almost cried praying it wouldn't hit me.

That was Wednesday. Today is Thursday. I've felt sick and nauseous for the last couple days, trying to get in some carbonation to burp it up instead. So far, it's working? Or my immune system is just that good, or it just hasn't hit yet. Tristan was barely there, we were betting Logan or I would be first. Luckily neither, though I did hear some people just got nauseous so maybe I did get it and that was the worst of it? As of right now I'm wondering if Tristan will be my carrier and thinking if I can just make it through the next 24 hours I can stop worrying, something my brother says I'm doing too much of.

Ya, vomiting and diarrhea sound so wonderful, especially to a woman who's belly is holding a little skeleton. Imagine those heaving contractions or cramps. I think not. Logan, he's 2. If he gets sick there will be no warning and a big mess. Of course I'm worried.

We all slept in the front room last night, or were going to til Logan just got too restless. Tristan is sleeping now, but feels a lot better as far as symptoms go. Logan and I have been watching Christmas shows on Netflix, consisting of but not limited to; Veggie Tales, Barney and currently All Dogs Christmas.

I still feel kind of icky, more so in the fact that I think I'm coming down with an actual cold. I woke up the last two days with a little head ache and right now I feel achy icky. I don't want to be achy icky. I have vacuuming, dishes, laundry, organizing and mass sewing to do as well as a little trip to the store for some milk. Ugh. I'm tired but feeling more motivated right now, we had a Really lazy day yesterday. The more I moved the sicker I felt and I wasn't tempting fate. I am Completely grateful right now for mine and Logan's health, as well as Tristan not being as sick as some had gotten though he will be resting til his shift tomorrow. I just want to get all the cleaning done so we can cuddle up and finish our Harry Potter extravaganza.

Maybe it's hormones, but I'm feeling completely at peace and overwhelmed with love towards my two favorite guys. All I want to do is kiss and cuddle.

Oooooh! We bred a zombie. I taught Logan to eat people without biting them, which is soooo freaking cute. He'll eat my arm and my chicken and what not but it's Hilarious when he eats my neck cause he throws my head to the side and I imagine him just ripping me to shreds. Terrible I know, we've been watching a lot of zombies lately. Nom nom nom nom nom! ♥

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Traditions and Stability

Some things you just get used to, and they bring you comfort because you know you can rely on them, and they'll never change. Today while I sit with Logan listening to Christmas music and preparing lunch I'm reminded of the little things that are important to me.

Coke and Grilled Cheese; Coke in general reminds me of my grandparents. It brings me comfort. Ever since I can remember my grandpa would grab a Coke and split it with me in these little plastic Dixie cups they had. I love it. I also got accustomed to Coke with my grilled cheese sandwiches, not only from when I lived there but from when I visited and now the two go hand in hand.

Strawberry Milk and Donuts; As I have said, my dad used to pick me up and take me to school or work with him, wherever it was, and we would always stop at 7-11 for strawberry milk and donuts. Back then the milk came in cardboard containers, and I used to see my dad more. Granted I don't see him that much and we don't really ever spend time together, drinking strawberry milk takes me back and brings me that feeling I need.

Earl Grey Tea; Attached to Earl Grey Tea is memories of my old best friend and our love affair with Davey Havok. I know these aren't traditions, but these are things that hold true always. No matter where I am at or who I am with, if Earl Grey touches my nose or my lips my life is hers.

Joe Diffie's Mr. Christmas Album; played every year all December long ever since 1995. It lets me know the season is here, it reminds me of my childhood and it's the only Christmas music I've ever always loved. I love Joe Diffie and I hope that Logan will come to like this cd or at least appreciate it some day, Olivia too. I will however say that 95.7's Christmas music is beautiful and Logan and I are getting a kick out of listening to it as often as possible.

Christmas Pictures; I couldn't get Logan to Santa his first year, but I could get us to Sears. It not only captured our first Christmas but a moment in our lives and it holds memories for me. We managed to get Christmas pictures last year with Tristan and are soon due for them this year too. No matter how much wall space they will some day take up, or how much clutter they may bring, I would Love to continue getting Christmas pictures together with Logan and some day Olivia until we're old and gray. While they're under my roof, this I can at least count on.

Thankful Turkey's; started with Tristan last year, where I have said, we take our hands [or paws] and trace them, coloring them in to turkeys only to surround them with the things we're thankful for. I think this is a good practice and habit as well as something to reflect upon. No matter where I'm at or how chaotic it is, this is something to take time for.

Cards and Snail Mail; this has been something I've been more in to since having Logan, a way to keep in touch when the world is passing me by. I don't know who actually appreciates them or finds them a nuisance, but other than this Thanksgiving I have sent holiday cards out every presentable holiday since Logan was born. The best part is him coloring and personalizing them. I also include up to date pictures of us, or mainly Logan, when the opportunity presents itself, like Halloween and Christmas. Snail mail is important, and good practice, a lost art. I haven't received a card in a while other than my crabby grandmother in France, but I will say that when I do it stops the world. Getting a personalized card in the mail to me is the greatest feeling in the world and one I hope to pass on as well as share with my children not to take for granted in this world of technology.

Sewing and Hobbies; Now that Tristan and I have our own home, and more so since I've had Logan I'd like to have things that I can pull out every year, that bring comfort. I've started place mats this year, I have certain ornaments adorning the Christmas tree, our family pictures. I'd like to eventually have done Holiday Quilts for the whole family. Nothing fancy, just something to hold on to as time goes by. We've yet to get a Christmas Tree Angel, but my grandma's angel I've been able to recognize and remember since I was 4 or 5 yrs old, as well as their habitual Snoopy trees. Seeing these things every year brings me comfort and lets me know the world is okay, a steady in my life.

Also, just making the kids quilts to grow with.

The Pumpkin Patch; Generally something I would like to do every year, participate in the activities and pick our own pumpkins, get out of the house. We did it last year, twice, and this year Tristan had to work a chaotic schedule, but I plan on going every year from now on until the kids are ready to say, "no mom" which I know they'll have no problem doing. :)

Family Holiday's; Ever since I can remember I have been going with my brother to his family's for Christmas Eve and my grandparents on Christmas Day. My mom decided last year her Christmas will be the 22nd, and Tristan's family is included in the mix now on Christmas Day. Last year was hectic but it was amazing. This year we won't be traveling due to Tristan having to work Christmas Eve and Day but I'm hoping to get to the ocean and Centralia at the very least and hopefully next year we can travel together. Family is important as are traditions, though I will say I hate after 20yrs people want to change dates and times for whatever reasons when everyone else plans around what always was. It's just important to see family and I don't always get to do that except the Winter Holiday's, I'm grateful for them.


I'm a bit delayed. I know this. However, this year has been chaotic so I'm excusing myself. This year Tristan and I were not able to travel for Thanksgiving like we did last year. It started out as a financial thing, then Tristan's dad offered to pay our gas. It then turned in to a "Tristan has been working his butt off and just doesn't want to travel" thing. Especially considering that he had to work the next day at 2pm, the snow and icy road conditions, his need to get rest and the fact we already planned on having Thanksgiving at home and had already bought a turkey and planned a meal. I will say it was rather depressing to have missed out on the whole "big family Thanksgiving", especially since Tristan has to work Christmas Eve and Day as it stands.

We had a lot to do, and Tristan wanted everything like his grandma makes it. Our menu consisted of; the obvious turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, homemade rolls, homemade stuffing - a first for both of us, green beans with bacon, a homemade pumpkin pie and cheesecake because Tristan doesn't like pumpkin and I made him an apple pie last week.

My dad was supposed to go the ocean but hadn't decided on the full commitment so I invited him over. It would've been our first Thanksgiving together probably ever. He said that was a great idea, then later called to say he was going to the ocean, then later called to say that he didn't want to deal with traffic and that it was getting too late and "they" would be over. They consisting of my little brother and my dad's roommate. I will say, I was nervous at first.

Logan of course got a bag full of m&m's from my dad first thing upon arrival, which he gave him to eat without my permission, leading him to Not eat any of his dinner. Epic fail.

All in all, dinner was Delicious. We managed to dirty every single pot, pan, casserole dish, and of course dish... that we owned. It was a blast. I will say we got ourselves a roasting pan out of the deal that we can now use for our ham on Christmas.

I had a wonderful time with Tristan preparing our meal and it was nice having my dad and little brother here. Oh, and Tristan got me some non alcoholic beer for the occasion. ♥ Not the highlight, but definitely a plus.

In fact, the highlight of my Thanksgiving this year and probably all of them for the rest of my children's days was probably our Thankful Turkey's we started last year. We trace our hands and color them in to turkeys and surround them with things we're thankful for.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Pregnancy Blues

I don't know if it's me being pregnant. If it's Christmas coming up, if it's going through old pictures or just the weather. I'm feeling depressed.

Before Tristan and I got together I used to do so much with Logan, I used to take so many pictures too. Even after we got together we took a ton of pictures and managed to do Something now and again.

I know, we have our own place now, and bills, and I'm not working. But I don't even take pictures anymore. It doesn't help that my camera is shot, or that my phone is now broken. It doesn't help that I don't see the point in getting dressed let alone dressed up or that even when I do it doesn't matter. It doesn't help that when I'm awake Tristan's asleep and vice versa.

It doesn't help that I feel like just a baby carrier right now, completely lacking intimacy. I don't care about hours and schedules. Tristan slept through half the beginning of our relationship and we managed more than we do now.

I miss not living with each other. I miss Both of us getting excited to see each other. I miss being invited to dinner at his sister's house or his parent's. I miss traveling and taking pictures. I miss kissing and cuddling and even good byes. I miss not taking each other for granted or feeling so alone. I miss the effort.

I feel like no matter how I do my hair, or if I brush my teeth or shave my legs... I'm just me and nothing more. I feel like crap half the time not having anything "pretty or sexy" to wear, or even having any money to get the things that I need. I miss having more than two pairs of pants and shirts that covered my belly that didn't make me look like a camper.

I miss being pregnant with Logan and actually buying stuff every chance I had. I hate not knowing when or if we're going to get everything we need. I hate not feeling in control or even in the know. I think it's stressing me out.

I'm rather irritated at the fall through with Target and more so the lack of interviews since. I could kick myself in the behind. I feel useless and helpless.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Donut Face

My dad used to take me and get donuts and strawberry milk
Logan and I have started donuts and OJ

Monday, November 22, 2010

Snow Storm!

It started snowing yesterday. Today it snowed quite a bit more. Tristan was supposed to work 6am-2pm which I would've preferred in these conditions. He just left for work for his 10pm-6am shift. That's when it's going to be the coldest and iciest. :(

I called my dad who not only lives down the road but has a road service business, which means he's been driving in it all day. He said he's using chains and it's terrible on the back roads and extremely icy. Tristan doesn't have chains. He has the Durango, and now it's dark outside. He refused to take a blanket, I hope he won't need it.

It's not that I don't trust his driving abilities, he's driven in it before and he's better off than I would be. It's the other idiots that also have places to go in ill equipped cars that could be sliding around and what not, and perhaps even in to him. It's also specifically the roads he has to take to get to work. Not looking forward to hearing those tales.

In the mean time, I have the electric blanket cranked up in case the power goes out. Or for when I'm ready to crawl in to bed, where yes I will turn it off. I'm enjoying a non alcoholic beer and cutting fabric for my Thanksgiving place mats, yes to use in just a few days. I should be great unless the power goes out, I have all the material cut out except four strips which I'm doing now and will take no time.

They're the Charlie Brown one's that Tristan picked out. I will definitely post pics when they're done. They're my second attempt at place mats and should be a bit more beautiful giving me even more hope in the Christmas ones. :D Good practice I tell you!

To you I say, drive safe, keep safe and be safe. Enjoy the weather and may the wind not knock out your power, and if it should, may you have a fire place... and wood.

Then What's the Point???

To be quite honest with you, I'm utterly grateful that I get to stay home with the kids. I'm glad I have some time with Olivia before I have to go to work. But what I'm getting tired of hearing is that I'm in charge of Everything and the home is my sole responsibility and Tristan shouldn't have to do Anything.

So, in total with commute he works 9 hours. While he's away I am also working 9 non paid hours, taking care of the kids, cooking and cleaning and making sure every one stays alive. When he gets home... he shouldn't have to do anything because he worked all day, but I get to continue with my duties cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids and making sure every one stays alive?

If I say something like, "Tristan made me an amazing breakfast!" I get to hear things like, "He works and you made him make you breakfast?" No, he Wanted to make breakfast and it was delicious and I don't want to have to cook every single meal I eat. I need a break too.

If I say that I'm frustrated because the house needs organizing and I want to rearrange furniture I hear things like, "Tristan needs a break, that's your job anyways, get used to it."

Wow, thanks for the hospitality. Even if there wasn't a giant lump in my belly preventing me from moving or lifting furniture I would expect some sort of help. Apparently I am to take this as Tristan works and I should not ask him for a single thing. In fact, perhaps I should just ignore him when he gets home and let him relax and do what ever he wants to go and go to bed whenever he wants to and not worry about spending time with him, or that it will dramatically effect Logan if he doesn't spend any time with him. But hey, I'm being selfish.

Last time I moved furniture I threw out my back. It still pangs me. I'm 7 months pregnant. Sure, I'll deal with all the holiday stress and worry and decorations and present ideas and traditions and everything else. I'll worry about every single meal and not take a break, even if my feet are swollen and hurting, even if my heart burn gets so bad I can't move and my mouth is salivating so bad I'm puking in it. It's okay dear, you take it easy.

I'll worry about where Olivia is going to sleep, where all of her stuff is going to go and what the plan is. I'll rearrange the furniture in the room and find a home for everything. I'll sort through all the boxes we still haven't unpacked, which are still unpacked because I haven't done it since apparently everything in this god forsaken house is mine. Hell, I'll even organize your bookshelf because it's getting so chaotic that you're getting irritated.

When our house starts getting crusty because there's too much clutter and so much to do it's okay. I vacuumed yesterday and apparently it only needs to be done once a month.

I have no problem picking up chaos. What I do have a problem with is that if I'm going to go through the trouble of picking up all the crusties and sorting things out and finding homes for things or ways to do things and you come home and completely ignore what I've done making twice as much work for me in the first place when you don't want to, and apparently Shouldn't be helping me.

It really pisses me off that I am literally expected to do every single fucking thing without any consideration to me because he works. This is what I keep hearing from every single person and while I respect him working, especially as steady as he has been, I think it's bullshit. Yes, I leave him alone when he works grave yard, yes I leave him alone when he's working 12 hour shifts. But on a regular schedule there is no reason to say his work trumps mine. I could understand this if it was hard labor, but he gets more done for himself at work than I do for myself at home.

If I'm supposed to devote all my time to cooking and cleaning and taking care of every one while every one is taking care of themselves anyways, what's the point? Really? I did this shit when I was single. At least then it was less to worry about.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

First Day of Winter

Today is the day of our first snow, hopefully in a long line of many. It's been quite cold lately but not quite winter.

Tristan ended up getting the whole day off, because his supervisor is an idiot, so we were able to light a fire and spend time together. I made delicious enchiladas for dinner and we were up Way too late watching True Blood.

This morning he made me biscuits and sausage/bacon gravy. It was quite delicious. He's at work now, and apparently has to be back at 6am so he's going to stay in Auburn tonight because... it's snowing! It's probably the safest choice seeing as how it's usually icy in the morning and the Durango has no gas and it'll be too early and just...bleh. The good news is that he'll be home the rest of the Day!

He hasn't worked 6am shifts since he first started at Microsoft, I miss those shifts. I miss seeing him every day for longer periods of time and actually being able to do stuff together.

Today, Logan is my companion. We took a nap together and now we're eating apple pie and ice cream. All of sudden I hear Logan screaming ... eating pie and I wonder what's up. Brain freeze. I told him, not just the ice cream, the pie too. So I mixed up what was left and told him to eat the delicious apples. He started eating it and looked at me and says, "I feel better now mom."

That's been his thing lately. If he throws a fit or doesn't listen he'll walk away or something and come back later saying, " I feel better now mom."

I think I'm going to finish my ice cream and pie and cuddle up with Logan and watch a movie.

p.s. as of now the snow is covering surfaces but not deep, I'd tell you more but our apartments suck and we don't have a back porch light.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Olivia, Acid Reflux & Delicious Pie

Thursday morning we went to Ann's. We were fortunate enough to see Olivia. The hard spot below my bra line is her head. [OUCH!] and her little feet are in my pelvic region. My goal for myself is to get her head down before our next appointment in two weeks... the only problem with that is my inability to sleep and the only position I find myself sleeping in or even waking up in is on my back. Terrible position for pregnancy btw.

We didn't get an ultrasound picture because we couldn't get a good angle, her face is aimed towards my back. We did our glucose testing, forgot the glucola the first time around, among other things and had to turn around. All in all it was a good trip. I got the results the next day and she said it's in the middle so she could make me do a second test if she wants to but she doesn't "wants" to. Thank God! She just said that I should cut back on the carbs and sugars unless I want a big baby, I don't want a big baby. Tristan thinks it'd be cute. I'm thinking of labor and delivery. Check please!

Speaking of goodies, we finally got Grandma BB's recipes that Tristan won't let me bake without. Aunty Colleen came over to make apple pie, spritz cookies, help set up the tree and mainly play with Logan ♥. Apple pie... DELICIOUS!!!

I am actually in the process of figuring out the final menu for the baking party/what goodies I want to make that would be good enough for Christmas presents.

This year is going to be tight and Tristan thinks we should just stick to cards, but I'm baking the goodies Anyways, and I'm certainly not eating them all and I already have in my head what I want to do and how I want to give them out. They are Beautiful and unique recipes... and I want to share!

Tristan is sick. :( Today is the first official day he called in, partially. The last time being him needing more sleep after working all those 12hr shifts. He's going in late. I don't feel good either. Acid reflux is killing me. Last night Tristan ran to the store for me to get Pepsi and Saltines [yes, it helps]. I was in tears. I'm so exhausted. I literally can't sleep and don't even bother trying half the time when I can or need to because the Second that I lay down it starts to swell up and burn and just comes crashing in waves... I was bent over last night which actually helped, except that when I tried sitting back up I realized that it had deeply impacted my back in the same place I threw it out. Oh joy!

We picked up our package from France yesterday. There was actually some stuff in it for me. An absolutely Adorable hat for Logan and a recorder. He's been whistling that thing non stop when he has it or remembers. It's not as bad as it sounds. I like his music... so far. :o)

I think I've looked up enough recipes for the day. It's time to sit down and work on some crafts, I have enough. Pictures of the tree and what not coming soon. In the mean time, here's the ceramics Logan painted.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Blog for Me

To update, my hair has been cut. I didn't cut it so short that it couldn't be fixed, and although I gave myself some bang I didn't go so far as to where it couldn't he styled. I don't want to push my luck, I just want to be left with options. I'm also realizing as much as I say I don't like to, that I should have dyed my hair and seen how I felt after that. Oh well.

Also, last Saturday I decided to head to my grandparents. To be honest, I was really nervous at first. It's been awhile since I've been there, and the last time wasn't so great to say the least.

I packed up everything I had sewn or cut out, all of Olivia's clothes and some needles and thread to get some hand stitching done. I am more than quite pleased to say that I finally finished the hand sewing of my place mats And Logan's Spongebob quilt has like two more patches left. I was also able to show my grandma all my projects.

One thing I realized while being there [and it physically hurt], is that Centralia is not as bad as I thought I remembered, and that it will always be my home, my sanctuary. There is even a house around the corner from my grandparents for sale, a house that I've always stared at. There are many houses for sale there. I hate living in Federal Way, seriously. It does nothing for my anxiety and it's too chaotic and crowded and I don't feel safe or like there's anywhere to go, I feel isolated and it will just get worse when Olivia is here.

My anxiety was gone, vanished. For the first time in a Long time I felt at peace at my grandparents, and that's how it should've always been. I relaxed and Logan had a blast playing with my grandpa, literally in hysterics. I will say I didn't like him playing upstairs with the smoke but this wasn't an every day thing and I'm not going to deprive them of Logan because of it.

I actually ventured out of the house with Logan, on my own, and had a great time doing it, and for the first time I wasn't stressed about the trip or the destination or what next's.

First stop, Safeway for donuts and orange juice. Logan really enjoyed this, as did the old ladies stopping him to ask what he had in his little bag. He was quite excited.

We went to Michael's for embroidery thread where they had an 80% off sale on Halloween stuff. We found Charlie Brown! I paid like $.89 for some crafts and put them in the Halloween box til next year. I also picked up some Charlie Brown ceramics for Logan to paint.

My grandma from France called. She hasn't gotten the letter yet, or the thousands of pictures I sent her. Just the Halloween card with a picture of Logan and Olivia. She loved it and was excited that she could actually make out Olivia's face. Apparently in all the ultrasounds I sent before she couldn't see Logan. She also informed me she isn't wild about the name Olivia but that it wasn't her decision. She was all in all very happy though, which I will say surprises me. So, hopefully the letter and pictures I sent will help keep that mood up. I was also informed that I will be receiving 2-3 packages, or rather the kids will over the next month or two. One is en route. For this I am Very curious and Very excited. I can't wait til Olivia's is here. She picked out such wonderful stuff for Logan.

Logan had a blast painting his ceramics and Dot taught me a faster way to embroider since I drove her nuts with my methods. It was my first time, I had no idea what I was doing and she's practically a professional with a ton of notches under her belt in various sewing projects.

My uncle was very nice, he even had me run to Staples for him and hooked me up with some printing paper and delicious lasagna seeing as how I couldn't find anything else to eat.

I really had a great time and would've stayed longer had I not thought I had an appointment at 10am Monday morning. [it was canceled due to someone's water breaking]

My dad did manage to stop by for a few minutes. It hurts to say that I'm 99% sure he's mad at me or what not over the dispute me and his wife got in to. Every time I went to talk he cut me off. Should I have expected different?

November 4th was my sperm donors birthday. The day before I found myself talking about him and thinking about him without realizing, and have found myself thinking about him ever since. This bothers me. You can't change who a person is just by loving them. I miss his laughter, and his smile. I miss actually talking to him, without the drama, without him being strung out, or flipping out on me. I miss the way he was when he last held Logan. To be honest, I miss all my family and the laughter and smiles they contained.

I find myself half tempted to knock on his door, to see if he still lives there. To tell him he has two grandchildren now. To see if He wants to come over for dinner. To see how he's doing, if he's gotten his act together yet. I find myself not having my hopes set for anything, just wondering. I feel like this thought won't go away unless I do it. *sigh*


Tristan was drug to the craft store where he did a Great job helping me pick out Thanksgiving fabric for place mats before revealing to me how stressful picking out matching fabric was. He did manage to find a great one for Christmas before his stop. I also got the rest of the backing for the dog quilt. I am now armed with more than enough to do, specifically for the holidays.

He got Windows 7 and I put my Microsoft Office on his computer and now I have my own log in. I've been transferring all my pictures to the computer so that I might organize them and access them at a reasonable speed without crashing and freezing. I have about 25GB of files to go through and I know a lot to delete. I'm working on it. Two days straight now.

Last night Tristan made home made rolls and more cheddar broccoli soup. After we ate we watched The Walking Dead and I got sicker than hell. I spent the rest of the night in bed with really bad heart burn, the inability to move and my stomach ever so tight. I haven't decided if it's Olivia in a bad spot or something else. I just know I feel hung over as all hell, exhausted, drained, sick and my stomach still hurts... and I still have heart burn. I just want to sleep but Tristan worked graveyard, so later.

In the mean time, I think that I did quite a bit with my pictures and today is a day to get some sewing, if not embroidery or cutting done. I'm quite pleased at my hand stitching! ♥

Oh, 95.7 is playing Christmas music. I found it on my drive to Centralia. I tell you what, I don't normally listen to Christmas music, and last year I couldn't find any at all on the radio. We listened to it the whole way there and every trip since. It's so comforting this year, it reminds me of home, or what home should be like, it reminds me of my grandma's. I'm going to drive Tristan nuts with it, not my intentions.

Logan's favorite so far is Jingle Bells, I kid you not every time it comes on he takes it upon himself to sing Jingle Bells. Bahahahhaahaha! Love that kid. ♥

Monday, November 15, 2010

Costume Contest

Logan is one of the finalists up to win the grand prize! We could really use a camera and if you think he's as adorable as I do...

Vote Here

Friday, November 12, 2010

Logan of the Day

My son, the hungry hippo, the eat anything and ask for seconds as I'm cramming my mouth full... quite eating meat. We thought at first it was just hamburger, but he wouldn't eat the roast the other day either. Tonight he wouldn't even try my meat balls. The only thing he Will eat is chicken.

I was okay with this at first, because technically some meat isn't healthy for you anyways, and he loves his fruits and veggies, especially his broccoli. Well, tonight I made it just like I always do and he threw it away. All he ate was noodles and sauce. This is just too weird. I know he's two, but seriously?

He just got scraping his bowl in to the garbage, something he does on his own. He is now covered in spaghetti sauce running in circles to the music and head banging. Bahahahahaha! Such a big boy, but geesh.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Shopping for Olivia

Yesterday was a good day. Tristan took more sleep than he said, but it was the first time we got to go out in a long time. We also not only got to look at baby stuff, but buy it as well.

First stop, grandma Kim's. She's been in Spokane for weeks. We brought cookies and Logan got excited to see her. She's working on some bows for Olivia, I'm sooo excited, and I got to go through her cookie cutters for the upcoming holidays.

Next stop, Kmart! We looked, I liked, we continued on. Tristan I guess didn't plan on spending that much, in which I was honestly a little disappointed. As we were walking around looking at housewares and Christmas Decor I asked Tristan if we could layaway. Obviously not a ton of stuff, just a bit more than what we had. I told him I was okay not getting stuff that day as long as it was coming. He was perfectly okay with it. Yay!

I fell in love with some Snoopy decorations
In the end we got; the mobile, some hats, mittens, flannels, wraps, a fleece and princess booties with a matching head band. Can't wait to get it out, or til she can use em!

Then, we went to Walmart. I of course Had to look at the Christmas stuff then we moved to baby stuff among other things. Tristan let me get the seahorse I wanted for Olivia. Logan has one, but the music box rusted so we took it out. He couldn't put hers down and kept holding and kissing it saying, "awe". We also got a toy mix. Aside from the big stuff, I feel satisfied.

Of course, next stop > Monica's Birthday! Olive Garden. I made a terrible choice in getting a strawberry mango margarita. Soooo delicious, and more than I had or wanted to spend. This wouldn't have been that bad except that I had to order two. [virgin of course] Our waitress sucked and was completely incomprehensible. Other than that I had good food and a good time. I hope Monica did too. I finished her present this morning, I literally only need like five or ten more minutes. I'm not good with the hand stitching and in one case actually stabbed a nerve with the needle, pain I tell you. Pictures coming Monday, after I give it to her. ♥


Tristan worked at 2pm today so we had pancakes and bacon for breakfast and broccoli cheddar soup for lunch... and dinner. Soooo good and comforting. I was grossed out at the thought before but it hit the spot.

I got some of Olivia's quilt cut out today and in the mean time, Logan and I are going to take a shower and I'm going to cut my hair. Tristan said not too short in case I mess up so that I can get it fixed. Thanks dear.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Logan of the Day ♥

I went to bed after midnight. I thought it could either ruin my day, leaving me exhausted, or I can try and wake up early and make the most of it. Tristan woke me up some time around 6:30 am and just kept on talking like he usually does, except this time he informed me WE GET TO GO SHOPPING TODAY! An hour later I still couldn't sleep and decided to get out of bed for oatmeal and coffee. Not five minutes later I hear, "mom, I done listening".

I open the door and he says, "Morning mom! Boofull". I asked what he said and he said, "boofull mom". I got to wake up to this little stinker starting my day out by calling me beautiful. Awwwwwww ♥

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Today was a Glorious Day ♥

Today was a fairly productive day in more ways than one. Though I will admit the morning was lazy.

I finally scrubbed down Logan's nasty crusty table, [ I still haven't stained it] and put a beautiful Christmas table cloth on it, he's excited.

I made a roast. It was delicious.

I finished sewing up my place mats ... not a word! And I finally finished recutting and sewing up the front of the Tinkerbell quilt which is now for Olivia. [I will post pictures tomorrow and no not in seven minutes]

Tristan cleaned the tub today! I took a bath. Not a bathe bath but a soak relaxing bath. It was weird, probably because I'm so tired.

My sewing area - organized! Or, as organized as it's going to get til I get myself some serious toolage.

Logan is... amazing. Oh! I got an email tonight saying that Sunday Logan was one of the daily winners for What to Expect's Costume Contest and we are now entered in the grand prize. Wooty woot! I could really use it too, 14.1 mp camera :D

Other than the contest, he just woke up saying he had to go potty. I open the door and he says, "Hi mom!" Well hello there Logan. "I done listening." [which means he's Ready to listen, he thought he was in his room because he was in trouble.] I informed him he wasn't in trouble and it was bed time. Put him on the potty where he asked for a hug and he gave me a big one I then went to put him back in bed but not before he coddled and kissed me. I love him soooooooo much

I am feeling inspired to get some things done and cleared up. I am feeling inspired also to write and to draw but these are more thoughts than products at the moment.

We were going to go to Centralia on Thursday, a much needed trip to see my granny, but alas, Kimber is on her period and I don't know who on the face of the planet would volunteer to watch that *insert broken heart* So, another week will go by.

We've decided my hair shall be cut. Whether or not I can wait til we have the money is another matter all together. Logan however will be getting a hair cut this week. I've grown it out, I want it styled and pictures are coming up

In the mean time, day light savings time is taking a toll on me and I'm exhausted! It's past my bed time, I feel like I'm going to puke and heart burn is right around the corner so to this I say, "good night".

Monday, November 8, 2010

Mes Cheveux

My hair. *sigh* Where do I begin? I have had almost any hair color and any hair style you can think of, except wicked long. I have never been able to grow my hair out to my dream length because I get bored with it, with myself and I cut it. It seems I feel more comfortable with short hair, it's crazy and chaotic, and messy and fits my personality.

This is me in 2006 when I lived in NH. This is my hair growing out from a shaved head, yes, shaved head. I will spare you and Not post a picture. I cut it myself and this is what it looked like.

This is me in 2007. I got bored with my hair and wanted something spunky. I miss it at this length as crazy as it was.

This is me in 2008 or early 2009, I went hippie after I got pregnant. Went all natural and "mother-ish" and grew out my hair. This is the longest it's been ... ever.

This is again 2009, right before Tristan and I got together.... almost right before I cut it.

Me being insatiable and taking matters in to my own hands, cutting my hair.

Thanksgiving 2009.

I realize unfortunately that I have not taken any pictures of myself. At least not nearly as many as I used to and especially not with my hair down. This is kind of sad now that I think about it. Right now my hair is in the process of being long. It feels weird having long hair and I don't know if it's "me". I don't know if that makes Any sense what so ever, I just know that I am in constant debate about growing it out to nearly my butt, or cutting it short and crazy again, and no not shaved short.

I often wonder if it's because I'm bored with it or because I really like it short. I like the messy tangle that is my hair and in truth I only grew it out because I thought it was more motherly and mature. I also think that long hair is beautiful and I thought that if I grew my hair out I too could be like all the other beautiful girls. Somehow, I just don't think I have the hair that they do.

Bangs or no bangs? Length or no length? Flat iron or curling iron? Up or down? Color or natural? So many freaking choices and I can't have them all. Sometimes I wish I could have a wig, then I feel bad and truly think of people with cancer and this scares me. I've gotten nearly everything I've ever asked for and truly wearing a wig is not one of them.

I just want to know what's me, what looks best, what feels best, while looking somewhat sane. For some reason when I shaved my head people thought I was crazy, even though I had it like that for a couple years. It wasn't until after I had Logan and my hair was wicked long that people told me I was doing great. This correlation kind of scares me.

I'm half tempted to cut it myself, half tempted to go to a salon, all the while not wanting to cut it at all and just grow grow grow... *big sigh* I have no idea what to do. I just know that I wear it up more than I wear it down, that I don't have the time or rather take the time to do anything with it and I keep telling myself, "when it gets longer", but How Much longer? And when it's shorter and crazy it's down all the time and looks cute and just oy!

This is my debate, a debate that's been turning in my head my whole life... my hair. Maybe I'll do something with it tomorrow and take pictures of Logan and myself, or maybe even Tristan and I, it's been too damn long.

Logan of the Day

My stinker pot has been quite the cutie, still a stinker.

His thing lately is "more hugs mom" or "more kisses mom" and it's usually when I've put him to bed, and already given him hugs and kisses. As I go to say no he has his hands out and his little lips puckered out. He almost will not go to sleep without giving me three sets of kisses or hugs and if he wakes up in the middle of the night he needs them to know he's okay and this makes me completely happy.

Tristan's first normal day was yesterday which put him at a full day at home today. Logan was quite happy and quite cuddly. We sat on the couch cuddled up watching "The Walking Dead" and Logan looked through his Walmart magazine showing Tristan the things he's showed me and laying on him. It was quite cute to watch and quite nice since this hasn't happened in weeks.

He's also been cuddly with me, coming up to me at random times for hugs and kisses and as he does so he grabs my face ever so softly. He's so gentle and so sweet it makes me more anxious for Olivia, more anxious for our entire family to be together.

His voice has also begun to crack. Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's him talking more, maybe it's always been like this and the more words the more noticeable. All day all I have heard is, "What you doing mom?" and as frustrating as it once was, just hearing his voice makes my heart happy and I can't resist but to hear it again.

I really do love him more than anything in the world and I can't imagine life without him.

I must also say that lately when I ask him something I say, "Are you done or not" and he says, "not mom". It could be that I'm his mother, but I find this hilarious and absolutely adorable.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Logan and Kimber of the Day

Today has not been entirely terrible, just little things here and there leading up to one thing... I need a vacation.

Logan has not been listening. He has sticky fingers, can not keep them off anything what so ever. It's driving me nuts. Restless child, I say No!

On a funny note, while watching Golden Girls this morning a commercial came on. I only listened enough to know that Logan was repeating it, he was telling me that he lost 60lbs!!! He's been quite the recorder lately.

He was also looking through a Walmart catalog we got in the mail, pointing to nearly everything saying, "mama want this one really bad".

Tristan worked graveyard and slept until he had to go to his shift today, literally. Logan had not been listening at all up to this point. Once he left I decided to take a shower with your Royal Stinkyness. He grabbed my phone trying to help out and I was like, sure whatever. He goes to the bathroom ahead of me where the lights off and goes to set down the phone where I am following behind and I hear something drop in to the toilet. My heart dropped. Lights on, just the top of my perfume.... again. And again, my hand goes in the toilet. Gross.

Take a shower, feeling good and nice and clean.

Open the bathroom door, foul smell. Close bathroom door. Dry off and re open the bathroom door to grab clothes. Kimber is laying in her bed like she did something wrong. Her diaper is off beside her, as well as her pad by her pillow, all chewed up and ripped to pieces. Heart drops Through the floor, through the center of the Earth and flies out to space in some alternate universe. DISGUSTING! More disgusting then Kimber always trying to smell and lick her diaper when we take her pee. *vomits*

Get Logan dressed so that I can take Kimber out and replace her diaper. Come back, she doesn't listen, moves around and tries licking her completely wet blood soaked diaper. *This is where I would kick both Kimber and Tristan out*

Go to the room to remove Logan where he was being held Only while I took Kimber out. Crayon, black crayon, everywhere. All over the changing table, all over the crib.

Did I mention the other day he was caught climbing up the changing table and in to her crib? Or that he colored all over the walls while On the changing table? Or that we took his crayons away and put them on the top shelf, except the black crayon, which we couldn't find?

Kimber is currently locked out of our bedroom where she could privately rip her diaper off again. Logan is... supposed to be in trouble but is actually playing with his farm house and animals and being quiet... who wants to mess with that?

Also, his punishment was to scrub it clean, which I did. But when I told him to put the rag up he argued "still wassing mom", can't even punish him right. *big sigh*

Aside from going crazy and damn near losing my mind I went to peel an orange for Logan and I the other day and it was thick and deep and clipped my nail making it feel like it was being ripped in half, on top of the acid. It still hurts, can't even grab ice from the tray. Oh, and I managed to pop a vein or something in my thumb today, on the inside crease... no idea how this was achieved.

All I have to say is I'm glad Tristan's schedule has returned to normal, for now. I'm hoping he can actually help a little now that he is home as well as Logan returning to normal being able to see him.

My biggest desire in the world right now, aside from seeing Olivia or my granny? I would Love to go to the ocean for a weekend, stay in a hotel with a pool and jacuzzi [even if I can only soak my feet] and walk along the beach in all it's peace and beauty and go swimming with Logan in a nice heated indoor pool. Hotel's just equal vacation, relaxation and destinations. I need a destination right now. I'm tired of sitting at home. We All need to get out of the house.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Logan and Olivia of the Week

Logan's room divided, check. Olivia's crib set and mattress, check - check. Crib ... check? While at my "mother's" I decided to steal her ... changing table that she was using for who only knows what. This enticed Tristan to seriously try and get the crib, we've "had it" for a couple weeks now, it's just been stuck down at his parents house because it won't fit in to the back of our vehicles. His dad was supposed to bring it up but he decided to just take it all apart.

This was a huge step in our "bringing home baby" and I was rather excited and more so to see Tristan so involved and enthused. We get home and start to unload and I realize that Kimber has started her period, in the back of my van. FML. I balled my eyes out. Here we are getting ready to actually get her fixed in just a week more, steam cleaning the whole house and trying to clean everything and get it under control and now she's going to bleed everywhere. *sigh* Tristan got her diapers. Problem solved, except I have to change them.

Before the diapers, we put the gate up to Logan and Olivia's room and went to work polishing the wood surfaces and assembling the crib. Once together it looked quite beautiful. We put the mattress in and started on the bumper guards. Tristan went to work quite diligently and I found it humorous for some reason. He wanted it to be perfect for once, not me. We had to tie about a thousand and one bows before we realized we forgot the bed skirt. No biggie. Get it on and It's Booful Mom! I put the comforter on and Tristan is like, "No, I like it the other way" and "You got to tuck it in". I found this adorably cute. Someone's excited!

The room looks beautiful, things are falling in to place slowly but surely. Logan is just so excited about everything that is Olivia's. He wants to sleep in her bed and play with her everything. He has a crush on Cinderella and gets excited that she's on her wall and clock.

I can't remember what I did the other day but he's been calling me a "bad girl mom". Today he was in our goody drawer and I told him to close it and as he did I pushed the Jello boxes back and he's like "No mom! Bad girl!" Bahahahahahaha. Little stinker pot.

Kimber on the other hand is being quite good since she started her period, all things considered.

Olivia has finally started wiggling again. At first when I threw my back out she didn't move for three or four days as strongly as she usually does and she had me worried. We're back to pro punching [or kicking] and I'm back to feeling reassured and more excited than ever to meet her.

Things I Cannot Tell My Mother

To vent or not to vent, that is the question.

While I had not talked to my mom in awhile, I still maintained contact with my sister. However, after actually hanging out with her she stopped texting me every day and asking what I was doing which leads me to believe it was my mother being nosey. I would also like to say that I had a day this week where I needed to get out of the house with Logan and get away from the chaos. For some reason, I decided to go to my mom's. Perhaps because it was a Lot closer than Centralia, where I had intended on going also.

I had actually planned on being gone a week or more. Two hours from being away from the house and I decided this was a bad idea. I got there quite late and everyone was all settled in and cozy and I made a bed on the floor, my mom gave me some money to go get pizza and they were ... actually talking to Logan.

Well, Little Caesar's and Code Red Mountain Dew are Terrible choices when you're pregnant, especially when all you drink is ice water and Try and eat a heck of a lot healthier than the options presented to you. My mother is a non believer of glasses And the dishwasher and I did not feel clean or even enticed to drink water while I was there. I had pizza for dinner, And for breakfast and Code Red as my midnight drink, instead of ice water. I felt like crap.

On top of it, the next day my "mother" said I was "messing with her chi" and that she was all frazzled and irritated. Every little thing that Logan did permitted yelling and sighs and me being told to "control him". He's two. There's no controlling, everything is still new to him in this world and he's curious. Yes, there is a point where you say no, if he's going to break something or hurt himself. These were not happening.

Like usual, all she wanted him to do was sit down and eat or sleep. Every single time I tried talking to her she wasn't really paying attention. She was instead going off about things that didn't matter to me nor did I care to hear, things I have been dealing with for the last five freaking years. Shut the heck up already?!?! You can't control your boyfriend for five years, kick him out and expect him to still pay for everything And not try and get on with his life because you really want to "be with him". The best part is when all you do is talk about how much he irritates you, how little you can trust him and how you think he's secretly doing drugs, but you're not sure. Does Any of this sound healthy? Didn't think so.

Every time Logan tried talking to her or showing her anything she completely ignored him and even when I pointed it out she barely paid attention. I tried showing her Olivia kicking like crazy, nothing. This only bugs me because you can't say that you cry every day because you miss me and that you're sorry .... but you're not sure what for, and say you want to see your grandbabies but only pay attention to yourself and them when it's convenient.

Let's buy something for Olivia, but Not go to the store, let's look online? No. Let's go to Rite Aid and try and find something for Logan, just to buy him something, and pick out a freaking dog toy? No. Let's not hold a real conversation or pay either of us any attention while we're there but instead talk about all these things you want to buy. No. All you want to do is Buy things because you have no idea how to be there. Buying things does not make our relationship okay. Oh, and just because the actual time you've spent with Logan accumulates him to maybe 3months old, does Not mean you can talk to him like a baby. He's 2, he talks better than you.

By noon I was thoroughly irritated and feeling sick from not eating. She "has no food" and said we could wait to eat til my sister got out of school, around 3pm. Then, when 3pm came around my sister went and hung out with her friend. She wouldn't stop yelling at Logan, I was shakey/crazy hungry, and dehydrated. Time to go home!

The best part is, I would've stayed another day or two. There I go again, thinking I can have a normal family that can actually hang out and function as a part. I proven wrong again.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Happy Halloween [Yesterday♥]

Saturday night I was trying to figure out what to do for Halloween. Last year we were able to go to the pumpkin patch and carve pumpkins together. That didn't happen this year. I really wanted it to be a tradition but things were more than hectic with Tristan's schedule. In fact, he had so little time to do anything we were just going to go to the mall together and take Logan trick-or-treating there. That didn't work out.

Instead, I called my sister to see what She was doing for Halloween. At the time, nothing. After seeing my friend post some pictures from the Woodland Park Zoo and their pumpkin bash I decided that this might be the best option and she might be the best candidate to take. Plus, I wanted to spend time with her.

I got no sleep the night before, not only because my back, but from feeling restless and Logan's sleep talking kept me up thinking he needed me. When Tristan got home from work around 6:30am I was ready to wake up and get ready to head out. An hour to pick up my sister and another hour to the zoo.

I had no time to eat and planned on getting a donut and a caramel pecan sticky bun from Clancy's since they are the only place I know that makes it, but my step dad thought Logan was so dang cute he loaded him up with candy and started making scrambled eggs and toast instead. He also thought my PB & J sandwich was gross and decided to make him a ham and cheese.... 35 minutes later off to coffee we go and then Seattle!

My sister navigated with some humor and we arrived just in time to see the penguin pumpkin bash. The penguins were the most entertaining thing we saw, and the most active... and possibly the cutest. We missed the reenactment of Thriller but it was playing every hour on the hour. Our goal was to follow the schedule and watch the pumpkin bashing. This didn't happen as I'd hoped. I went with a 2yr old and a 15yr old.

At one point we ended up in a bird house. I gave my sister $2 for feeding sticks and thought Logan might enjoy it. He threw the stick the second a bird landed on it. He was fascinated but at a distance and I managed to get pooped on, on my belly. Wonderful thing.

Logan in a distant fascination

We had a lot of fun walking around looking at the animals, I didn't like the layout of the zoo and lack of wrap arounds. I was quite pleased when Logan got excited about an animal because he knew it. [proud moment ♥] After three hours of walking, lots of exploring, and a stop in the gift shop we decided it was time to head home. We unfortunately missed the last playing of Thriller and I would have stayed had it not been for the exhaustion.

Roughly four hours of non stop walking after barely eating breakfast and not really stopping for water is a terrible idea when you're pregnant. The cramping got so bad I thought about going to the hospital or at least calling my midwife. I leaned on the stroller the whole ride back and just wanted to be home and rest. After downing a couple bottles of water and the hour drive home of "taking it easy" I felt the cramps ease. It only bothered me because Olivia is
either in a complete different spot or not moving much the last couple days.

Once I felt safe enough my excitement returned and I begged my sister, who I was supposed to take home, to go to Walmart with me and get Olivia's crib set. She was excited too and said yes. While there I picked up Olivia's first, in a long line of many, Princess poster and happened to come across a Princess mattress. I kid you not. I have never seen a decorated mattress and it was cheaper than what we were going to get so I called Tristan. He said he didn't think we had the money and I got a no so we headed home.

Tristan was wiped out so skipped the mall trick-or-treating which is when me and my sister decided we were going to go trick-or-treating together. First stop,
my dad's house.

"Trick-or-treat papa!"

He actually knocked on the door. It was quite hilarious. My dad tried loading him up with candy... I don't think so. We hung out for a little bit before deciding it was time to head to the adventurous Enumclaw! Whoo.

I got the liberty of seeing my mom for the first time in months, as well as talking to her for the first time in over a month. At one point she cried, probably hoping I would cry too, with which I responded, "You never visit and you are never there when I need you." What do you want me to say? This didn't stop her happy mood of me even being in her house. She jumped right in to talking and showing me Everything as well as offering us a dresser for the kids she wasn't using and a changing table she shouldn't have bought in the first place. [she was using it for crafts lol] So, Another hour later, I'm still hungry and my sister still hasn't gone trick-or-treating.

Off to Safeway we go to see Aunty Monica and grab some food which turns in to Logan and my sister running around and in one case getting hurt, but it's okay, we have candy ♥ I decided to go to Taco Time and off to the neighborhoods we went.

My sister went at first by herself while I tried to get Logan to eat, but she soon realized people thought she was too old. Meh, that was the last year I went trick-or-treating too. People thought I was her mom, which is perfect because they thought she was Logan's mom. After eating I parked the car and walked with them and this helped a little with her situation. Everyone was entranced by his cuteness.

My favorite part of the night was that all the little kids were answering the door and one 6-8yr old boy said, he is the cutest little kid I've ever seen. Ah, how they grow up so fast.

We had a really good time, or at least I did. Logan said his "trick-or-treats" and "thank you's" better than anyone I know and when they told him to have fun he'd say it right back at them. He stole their hearts and mine even more so. It was good being able to talk to my sister about things here and there when the opportunity arose. After her zoo pictures I've decided to have another photographer on hand at the birth of Olivia :p I will say she did a great job with Logan's but she's getting rusty.

Logan had a blast with her. He kept talking about her the whole day and if she left for two seconds, "Where's Adell?" Which is what it sounds like. We left there around 9pm and when we got home around 11pm he went in his room to show me the toys they played together with. It was cute.

Which leads me to the fact that Tristan recalculated his money and we had enough money for the mattress. We stopped off at his work for 20min to get the card, then headed to Walmart in the pouring rain to satisfy our urgency and excitement to get her bed up. Well, the mattress was gone, no one spoke English or understood what I wanted or needed and we settled for a regular one which is fine. I came home, at 11pm and put her bed together. Logan had a Great time laying in her bed and laughing about how it was hers. He loves her silky blanket and I must add that he threw a tantrum at Walmart and smacked me hard in the face while talking to the non understanding associate. Oy, he was better when we got home yes. "Nigh night Olivia's bed mom" as he grabbed his pillow to drag it across to her bed.

Tristan stayed the night at his parents to look at the crib and see about bringing it home today. It was a no go. I'm rather disappointed and impatient. I just want it here. So does he. I've cried quite a bit the last 24hrs with Tristan's work schedule, not being able to see him for more than five minutes or really talk to him the last couple weeks. I wanted to cry when he left tonight, I couldn't let him go. I get him Wednesday night to Friday morning. *big sigh* I'm so glad this isn't his regular schedule. I know he's tired but I'd go nuts quicker.

All in all, it was a great Halloween. I'm glad I got to spend it with my sister, I hope it made her happy getting out of the house, going to the zoo and trying something new, it made me happy that Logan was happy all day at the zoo and playing with Chantal and it made me happy just driving around and being alive. I can't wait til Olivia is out of the belly to share the memories with, but I know, it comes so fast. There are a lot of things I can't wait for, but I say that in a waiting kind of fashion. I can't wait for my grand kids, but I'll more than enjoy the time from here and in between. Life is too short to take for granted.