Friday, December 3, 2010

Ma Famille

I swear, the more I try and be there and pretend things are okay for the sake of having a relationship the more they resist. I quit.

I would Love my sister to come over and hang out, veg, watch movies, make a mess and do some crafts with. She won't respond to me what so ever when it involves me inviting her over.

My brother now lives down the street from me, is going through a lot with a lot of crappy people. Technically, we're the only people with some sort of structure going on, trying to get our lives together. As of right now, no drugs, no alcohol, no drama. Invite him over for dinner, for games, for anything. I get really rude remarks back, a wall. He feels the need to act all tough like he doesn't need anybody. Psh, we were all we had for years. He's my brother and some day I hope he'll see I'm here.

Called my mother today for the first time in a couple days, just to say hi. I'm sure I had something to say but she always cuts me off and bitches and complains about something to where I'm just listening and can't think for two seconds. "She's in pain" which means she can talk for hours but has to go the second I say something because she just can't deal. She informed me she got us some Christmas presents and apparently me talking was yelling in her ear, and me talking to Logan was yelling in her ear, and Logan talking was yelling in her ear. I told her fifty times, I was not yelling. "Her ears were sensitive". She got all huffy puffy and irritated with me and asked what I wanted. I was like whatever, I just called to say hi but screw this, and hung up... completely alone, isolated.

My grandma. The only one I really have that I can talk to anymore, she's sick again. I called her yesterday and she's having some serious problems breathing and suspended herself to the couch. Today I learned that she also hurt her side carrying her purse, she usually carries it with her hands. She's as bad as me, what am I going to do with her? She's on oxygen, resisting to rest, and go to the hospital. I get it, every time she goes there its for way longer than she should be and she contracts something that we've never heard of before. I just want her to be okay. I hate when she can barely talk and gets short of breath. I hate wondering if she'll answer tomorrow, and I do.

I called my mom to tell her of this, that's right. But alas, I didn't get two seconds in. She was too focused on herself. I pray for the love of God that I am not like this. I know I like to talk, it's true. I just hope that I listen too. I hope that I'm a good friend, a good ear, a good something.

I called my dad too, I forgot my phone doesn't work and I haven't heard from him in a while. He told me to come over and I said Tristan had the van. It really irritates me when Every body gets irritated that Tristan has the van. a] Tristan is working and taking care of things b] it gets better gas mileage right now c] if I need it, he will leave it d] what's your situation again?

On a self note, I'm feeling rather depressed. Self inflicted. I feel like a bitch. I feel like people are not happy with me, that I'm a terrible friend, daughter, grand daughter, sister, girlfriend... I feel like too much. As isolated as I feel I feel like a younger version of my mother. I don't want people to hate me, to avoid me. I want to be a good friend, a great friend. I want to be a good daughter and the grand daughter my grandparents deserve. I want to be a sister my siblings can rely on, want to see. I want to be the girlfriend that has her shit together, that you can rely on, that makes you happy, the helps you out instead of stresses you out.

I feel so helpless right now. I want to cry, but now that I've vented I think I'm going to block it out, indulge in the last three cookies and finish What About the Morgans?

Have a good night

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