Saturday, January 15, 2011


I always write about how frustrated I am. It's easy for me to vent in writing, it's something I've done my whole life. I'm not good at writing about the good things, or even when things are going good. I thought I started this blog to do just that. I know anything I write that's good is mainly about Logan or Olivia.

I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Tristan. I've been on his case for quite some time, and frustrated with him, and bitching about him. I've always loved him, he's just always drove me nuts... he still drives me nuts.

Since our Intensive Labor Class I've noticed a mass improvement in his effort and involvement and I guess I've noticed myself a bit more relaxed and not so... Ahhhhh as far as everything goes which I'm sure helps.

We've been getting a long more, talking more, cuddling more... actually being a couple again. I can say that I missed it and I love him even more than I once did. It's nice to know we're doing this together and that I have him no matter what.

I was quite nervous about our delivery, about a lot of things, about him. He's stepped up and proved me wrong and I'm sure he's reading this. I just wanted to take the time to say a public thank you instead of a public rant.

All this time I've felt so lonely, all this time I've missed you. I feel like I have you back and I don't want to let you go. I love you more than anything in the world and I am eternally grateful to have you in my life.

Olivia's Baby Shower

My mother ended up Not throwing the baby shower so I ended up throwing it for myself. Yay! Not really, but I will say that I had a really good time and I am completely grateful for Aunty Monica's help and the people that showed up and most of all for the participation. I now have tons more things to throw in to Olivia's baby book and more memories. I'm a little crazy when it comes to things like these with all my games and memories and writings and what not.

Our "It's a Girl" decorations

A Delicious cake from Coldstone, courtesy of Aunty Monica

A really good picture of Aunty Monica and Aunty Colleen

Marah and Misha

Liz, Aunty Monica and Aunty Colleen

Me, Tristan and Logan

[I will say that I did not get pictures of Uncle Preston who showed up a little later after work :( ]

Monday, January 10, 2011

Just Two More Weeks, please...

The world has decided that it needs to spin so fast to stay together. All this chaos is making mine fall apart. While I will say that my mother has officially offed herself in my life I would like to take this time to focus on my grandma. The lack of support from the first just adds a sting to the already deep cut that is starting to fester.

My entire life I have had some sort of family now and then, in one way or another. Since I decided to get my life together that now and then turned in to you're good enough on your own from everybody except my grandparents, more so my grandma. She is the only person in the entire world that loves me for me, unconditionally. Even when she disagrees, which is often, she still manages to love and support me. [I don't know how she does it]

My grandma was diagnosed with emphysema nearly 10yrs ago. We Never dreamed back then she would make it this far. She received a lung transplant, and continued smoking. Regardless, at least once a year her or my grandpa... or both get deathly ill. And we think, this is it, they're finally going. And each year I stress out and a part of me dies, but they keep on living. It's a miracle.

When I was 18 I moved in with my grandparents. I recall my grandpa telling me then that he was beyond ready to die, that they'd seen all they needed to see, done all they needed to do. I'm fairly sure my grandma has always disagreed [about the being ready to die] but either way, I've Never been ready for either of them to go. He said the only reason they were still alive was to make sure that I was taken care of, okay. Is that why this is happening? Because things are Finally looking up and going right for me? This isn't fair.

I thought for sure my grandma wouldn't live to see Logan, this terrified me. After he was born she was in the hospital quite a few times and we always visited. It scared me to think that this could be it.

Last year she spent 50 something days in the hospital, mostly in a coma. I visited often and at one point I actually let her go. My grandma is the only person I have. I talk to her at least every other day, if not at least once a week. When she was in the coma it was like she was already dead. I couldn't communicate or share with her. I just waited, and wondered if she would ever wake up. I accepted the fact that she might not while hoping she would. But for a while, she was dead to me. It's terrible I know but that was my coping process... then she woke up. I was, I didn't know how to deal with it but eventually things went back to normal.

Then my grandpa had a stroke and refused treatment hoping he would die that day, the day before Mother's Day, while I was visiting in tears begging for him to stay alive. He didn't want to, doesn't want to.

My grandma has conveyed to me several times she doesn't think she is going to live to see Olivia. I can hear something in her voice that's never been there before. I keep telling her, pleading with her, "Just two more weeks, she'll be here early. I promise." ... just hold on a little longer.

My grandma is a stubborn woman. That's why she's still here, she's refused to go. She's at least promised to come back and haunt me, I kid you not we've had this conversation. I really can't live without her. I told her I'd like her ashes too, to carry with me and take on all my adventures. My grandma really is my whole world.

Today I was talking to her, she just doesn't see how it's going to happen, how she's going to see Olivia. She said if she drinks too much water she pukes it up. I thought this was weird, thought it was intestinal. Didn't process it. Denial? She thinks she has pneumonia. She can't breath, wakes up in panic when her oxygen falls off. She can barely catch her breath to talk.

I called my uncle tonight, to ask him if she's still here when I go in to labor to bring my grandma. He said he'd do what he could if she could travel. Then silence, then I lost it. I burst in to tears, told him they're my whole world, all that I have and I don't know how to live without them. He of course told me that I need to focus on myself, that I can't and shouldn't feel like this while I'm pregnant and while he's right, I can't not. He told me that he would be there for me, that he Is there for me, regardless of my dad. It all just stings. My world is collapsing all around me.

He said that she's getting skinnier. He said that it probably was coming soon, that she can't hold down food and she's wilting away. Her body is shutting down, her body is dying. I keep thinking that if I pray hard enough God will understand, that he'll give me just one more week and I'll go in to labor on the day. But can prayer stop a dying body?

My uncle's girlfriend called me, he was worried. She said I need to let them go. I don't care if she dies on Olivia's birthday. I just want her to meet Olivia, I don't want to think about it while I'm in labor, the loss she could be replacing. I would be giving myself a very long and painful labor, not able to relax or let go. I'm now more terrified than ever, more selfish than ever. I need her.

I'm sure my grandpa will pass shortly after, he might not even last a day and to be honest he might just do it to himself. My full support, the only family I really have, gone in the blink of an eye and probably this month. I don't mean to think the worst but it's all happening so fast.

I have abandonment issues with my "mother" and "father's" already. I have no one. No one else to talk to, to turn to. No one to call every day, no one to vent on, no one that just understands because they've already lived through and seen the bullshit I've endured.

My grandma is a comical person. She makes me laugh, she gets my sick and dark jokes, she makes them too. I love calling to share something that I know only she will get, and Tristan has me call her all the time to share things he knows only she will get too. She gets a kick out of it.

My grandma is the most beautiful person in the world to me. I've always admired her, and wished that I could've grown up knowing her and the people her and my grandpa were. I'm sure that the reality would be me not wanting to know since it's what made them who they are today.

I love them more than words can say and I know they know I love them but I don't know if they know how much. Does it even matter? Will I have any unsaid words that I take to my grave? Any regret if they went tonight? Other than that they're gone? Other than that I can't be there? Other than that I get to see the vultures reveal their claws picking and tearing at what remains of the life they left behind?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

My Belated Christmas Update

Happy New Year!

I know I missed Christmas. I haven't written in quite some time. I don't like the new photo uploader. It makes things quite difficult at times. We had an awesome Christmas.

The day before Christmas Eve I figured out what I wanted to get Tristan, well, one of two things and upon further inspection I settled on a beginner tool set to get him started. He really likes it... or so he says. :p

The day before Christmas Eve we went and saw Santa Clause. Logan couldn't wait. He kept running up in line and trying to ambush him. Tristan and him walked around the mall while I held place. When they eventually came back Logan was a ladies man to a little black girl. She was quite cute and had a beautiful Christmas dress on and little braids in her hair. She must have been younger than him. He kept putting his arm around her and playing with her. There was a little fake puppy that was decorative he got her to come pet and he kept trying to kiss. He's quite hilarious.

When he got to see Santa he ran up there right away... until he saw Rudolph, a stuffed animal they had. I thought everything was going to go out the window. I say though, not bad for a first Christmas Santa picture.

Christmas Eve I went with my dad and Derek to the ocean. That was... a little stressful but fun. Logan got so spoiled for Christmas. My dad got him a Batman cave that is his new favorite toy and he now officially plays like a boy with all the voices and beating and what not. Quite cute. I had my first meal over there, I normally munch on rolls and carrots... we had a good visit. I was completely exhausted when I got home and that night I woke up sick as a dog. :( I was a little worried why because I was going to my grandparents and didn't want to pass anything and my tummy hasn't been the same since.

Christmas Day was... chaotic, with a good start. Logan had a blast going through his stocking, Kimber was excited to get her own present and opened it like a pro, I got some bath and body works scented stuff which I love and haven't worn in quite some time and we had a delicious family meal. The only thing that stunted its excitement was Tristan's withdrawal from his medication and me not feeling so good.

I told my dad I would take his girlfriends daughter to Olympia. Terrible idea only because the stress it put on me. I had to take Tristan to work and pick up my sister in Enumclaw and my mom wanted Logan to open presents and it was all so rushed and chaotic. We got a late start, much later than I had hoped. I ended up buying a coffee for the girl because she ordered one and told me she didn't have money.... I certainly am in no place to spend $5 I Didn't have on someone else's coffee, let alone for an 11 yr old and barely having enough gas to get where I was going. I was a little frustrated.

We arrived Hours later at our initial destination and Christmas started without us. My step mom was her unfriendly self, my dad stayed long enough for Logan to open his presents and rushed out the door unfortunately. My brother ended up stopping by though to give my sister her gift. It's always nice when he can visit.

Despite things, we had a nice visit. My uncle was surprisingly nice and offered to help with Tristan's birthday and we actually got some good words in. This is my favorite. Logan got to color with my grandparents, it was cute to watch and he loves his papa and mama Betty. My sister drove home with Josh so I had a long trip home by myself which actually saved some time and took some stress off.

I arrived at Tristan's work Just in the nick of time to pick him up, he has no faith in me. :) The rest of everything has been a blur. Bouts of shopping sprees here with our gift cards. Tristan got a new game to play and I got a crock pot. Going to Red Lobster Tuesday... yay! And Logan has a Toys R Us card... ugh. His room is so jam packed I don't know what to do.

It's January which means Olivia will be here soon. Finally got her laundry washed, labor class in 7 days, baby shower in 12. It's all coming up so fast but I'm ready for her. I'm truly stressed out and feeling anxiety about the birth, I just have to put myself in the calm I put myself in to when Logan came. Everything I will go through is all leading up to my meeting her and welcoming her in to this world. I have done this before and the pain is only temporary. ... I'm so excited to meet her, to see Logan's reaction to her, to watch her grow... to love her so much. I'm hoping the anxiety will go away either after the labor class or while I'm in labor.

Right now I have a little munchkin that is turning in to a little monster. I'm going to get him some string cheese and watch A Christmas Carol, I know we're late but I want to see it.