Monday, January 10, 2011

Just Two More Weeks, please...

The world has decided that it needs to spin so fast to stay together. All this chaos is making mine fall apart. While I will say that my mother has officially offed herself in my life I would like to take this time to focus on my grandma. The lack of support from the first just adds a sting to the already deep cut that is starting to fester.

My entire life I have had some sort of family now and then, in one way or another. Since I decided to get my life together that now and then turned in to you're good enough on your own from everybody except my grandparents, more so my grandma. She is the only person in the entire world that loves me for me, unconditionally. Even when she disagrees, which is often, she still manages to love and support me. [I don't know how she does it]

My grandma was diagnosed with emphysema nearly 10yrs ago. We Never dreamed back then she would make it this far. She received a lung transplant, and continued smoking. Regardless, at least once a year her or my grandpa... or both get deathly ill. And we think, this is it, they're finally going. And each year I stress out and a part of me dies, but they keep on living. It's a miracle.

When I was 18 I moved in with my grandparents. I recall my grandpa telling me then that he was beyond ready to die, that they'd seen all they needed to see, done all they needed to do. I'm fairly sure my grandma has always disagreed [about the being ready to die] but either way, I've Never been ready for either of them to go. He said the only reason they were still alive was to make sure that I was taken care of, okay. Is that why this is happening? Because things are Finally looking up and going right for me? This isn't fair.

I thought for sure my grandma wouldn't live to see Logan, this terrified me. After he was born she was in the hospital quite a few times and we always visited. It scared me to think that this could be it.

Last year she spent 50 something days in the hospital, mostly in a coma. I visited often and at one point I actually let her go. My grandma is the only person I have. I talk to her at least every other day, if not at least once a week. When she was in the coma it was like she was already dead. I couldn't communicate or share with her. I just waited, and wondered if she would ever wake up. I accepted the fact that she might not while hoping she would. But for a while, she was dead to me. It's terrible I know but that was my coping process... then she woke up. I was, I didn't know how to deal with it but eventually things went back to normal.

Then my grandpa had a stroke and refused treatment hoping he would die that day, the day before Mother's Day, while I was visiting in tears begging for him to stay alive. He didn't want to, doesn't want to.

My grandma has conveyed to me several times she doesn't think she is going to live to see Olivia. I can hear something in her voice that's never been there before. I keep telling her, pleading with her, "Just two more weeks, she'll be here early. I promise." ... just hold on a little longer.

My grandma is a stubborn woman. That's why she's still here, she's refused to go. She's at least promised to come back and haunt me, I kid you not we've had this conversation. I really can't live without her. I told her I'd like her ashes too, to carry with me and take on all my adventures. My grandma really is my whole world.

Today I was talking to her, she just doesn't see how it's going to happen, how she's going to see Olivia. She said if she drinks too much water she pukes it up. I thought this was weird, thought it was intestinal. Didn't process it. Denial? She thinks she has pneumonia. She can't breath, wakes up in panic when her oxygen falls off. She can barely catch her breath to talk.

I called my uncle tonight, to ask him if she's still here when I go in to labor to bring my grandma. He said he'd do what he could if she could travel. Then silence, then I lost it. I burst in to tears, told him they're my whole world, all that I have and I don't know how to live without them. He of course told me that I need to focus on myself, that I can't and shouldn't feel like this while I'm pregnant and while he's right, I can't not. He told me that he would be there for me, that he Is there for me, regardless of my dad. It all just stings. My world is collapsing all around me.

He said that she's getting skinnier. He said that it probably was coming soon, that she can't hold down food and she's wilting away. Her body is shutting down, her body is dying. I keep thinking that if I pray hard enough God will understand, that he'll give me just one more week and I'll go in to labor on the day. But can prayer stop a dying body?

My uncle's girlfriend called me, he was worried. She said I need to let them go. I don't care if she dies on Olivia's birthday. I just want her to meet Olivia, I don't want to think about it while I'm in labor, the loss she could be replacing. I would be giving myself a very long and painful labor, not able to relax or let go. I'm now more terrified than ever, more selfish than ever. I need her.

I'm sure my grandpa will pass shortly after, he might not even last a day and to be honest he might just do it to himself. My full support, the only family I really have, gone in the blink of an eye and probably this month. I don't mean to think the worst but it's all happening so fast.

I have abandonment issues with my "mother" and "father's" already. I have no one. No one else to talk to, to turn to. No one to call every day, no one to vent on, no one that just understands because they've already lived through and seen the bullshit I've endured.

My grandma is a comical person. She makes me laugh, she gets my sick and dark jokes, she makes them too. I love calling to share something that I know only she will get, and Tristan has me call her all the time to share things he knows only she will get too. She gets a kick out of it.

My grandma is the most beautiful person in the world to me. I've always admired her, and wished that I could've grown up knowing her and the people her and my grandpa were. I'm sure that the reality would be me not wanting to know since it's what made them who they are today.

I love them more than words can say and I know they know I love them but I don't know if they know how much. Does it even matter? Will I have any unsaid words that I take to my grave? Any regret if they went tonight? Other than that they're gone? Other than that I can't be there? Other than that I get to see the vultures reveal their claws picking and tearing at what remains of the life they left behind?


  1. Have you boughten Olivia to meet your grandparents yet?

  2. no. we still have a spare on our van </3 I've been stressing about this since we keep promising every week