Thursday, October 27, 2011

Filling in the Spaces

We've been approved and given the keys to a 600sq ft - 1 bedroom apartment for the four of us and our dog. The "kitchen" has 4 drawers that are like 7 inches wide, cupboards that are just as narrow and there are only about 6 of them. I'm thinking to myself, "We used to have 14 cupboards in a regular sized apartment Before Olivia was eating.... and we Still didn't have enough room.

It's an obvious statement to say that we not only have to downsize but we really need to think about what we want in our lives and what we want to surround ourselves with. Instead of 3 casseroles, we really only need one. Instead of 23 glasses (they break), we only need 4.

The best part? NO DISHWASHER!!! ... or washer and dryer. Eeek! It will take some getting used to, there will be sacrifices, but it's ours, and it's home.

The downsizing just has me thinking, we buy bigger places, we buy more stuff to fill those places. Any space we have needs to be filled with something. What happened to big open fields, necessities, country life... peace. Clutter is such a burden and one I've self indulged in. It's time to purge, it's time to rethink my life. It's time to start over.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Manning Up

Currently awaiting call back from a job application, in great anticipation. My sperm donor invited me in to his home after dropping off the face of the planet for almost two years in hopes of making up for his lack of involvement. Within a month of being there things turned upside down and I've learned that once again he's using me and some things never change.

I've been gone for a couple days and I'm terrified of going home, terrified of his girlfriend being there - drunk, terrified of the rage building up inside of me and what my reaction might be if I get backed in to a corner. I'm angry. I'm angry at him for being a terrible father and grandfather, for being a terrible landlord and roommate, I'm angry for the let down and thinking he'd actually sobered up, I'm angry at his stupid two face girlfriend and his preference to her over us being homeless.

I'm angry at myself for allowing my family to be in this situation. I didn't know it would've came to this. I'm glad Olivia has not been institutionalized in one of those snotty, ignored daycare centers. Right now, it's time to get a job, to make some money, to get a home for my family, some bedrooms, some stability, some safety and security.

I'm nervous about the job of course and my keeping it given my track record but it's time to man up and buckle down and with Tristan kicking my butt I can't back down now, with the kids, ever. Wish me luck on getting this job, wish me luck on keeping it, wish us luck on not sleeping in our van or being homeless at Christmas, god forbid Thanksgiving.

At least we have each other and as people continue to slip farther and farther away I realize something... this is exactly what I wanted a long time ago. The lord has Always given me everything I always wanted, better or worse. Problem is, people change, needs change. I want my family back, I want sanity, stability, a firm foundation for my kids.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

I Miss Us

It's no mystery that Tristan and I haven't been getting along for a while now and some people think it's funny when I try confiding in them the hurts I have about it.

October 4th he packed up everything, and made sure he had Everything. I know he's not coming back. He needs space, we need space, and to figure out who we are as individuals and what we want as individuals. "We need to figure out who we are apart, to be together...." ??? I donno.

I don't love him any less than I did the first day I saw him. I miss him so much, I'm afraid he's not coming back and I'm trying to get my ass in gear to figure out what I'm going to do with me, now.

They say the number one reason relationships fail now a days is people fall out of love, then they give up. Yes, I've fallen in and out of love with Tristan, but I know it's temporary, and I still love and appreciate him as much as the first day I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him (day one).

I do miss who we were in the beginning, I  miss the visits, the excitement, him loving me back. We've had a rough couple of years with all kinds of challenges and this was the last straw. He wants to work on some things and try again later, but I know that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart. I'm afraid to lose him.

I can't stand the dog hair, him sleeping all day, the big mess from him not caring, us Never doing anything... but I love him. I love the life we created, I  love/loved us. I miss us, I miss him trying, I miss me trying and being aware. <//3