Currently awaiting call back from a job application, in great anticipation. My sperm donor invited me in to his home after dropping off the face of the planet for almost two years in hopes of making up for his lack of involvement. Within a month of being there things turned upside down and I've learned that once again he's using me and some things never change.
I've been gone for a couple days and I'm terrified of going home, terrified of his girlfriend being there - drunk, terrified of the rage building up inside of me and what my reaction might be if I get backed in to a corner. I'm angry. I'm angry at him for being a terrible father and grandfather, for being a terrible landlord and roommate, I'm angry for the let down and thinking he'd actually sobered up, I'm angry at his stupid two face girlfriend and his preference to her over us being homeless.
I'm angry at myself for allowing my family to be in this situation. I didn't know it would've came to this. I'm glad Olivia has not been institutionalized in one of those snotty, ignored daycare centers. Right now, it's time to get a job, to make some money, to get a home for my family, some bedrooms, some stability, some safety and security.
I'm nervous about the job of course and my keeping it given my track record but it's time to man up and buckle down and with Tristan kicking my butt I can't back down now, with the kids, ever. Wish me luck on getting this job, wish me luck on keeping it, wish us luck on not sleeping in our van or being homeless at Christmas, god forbid Thanksgiving.
At least we have each other and as people continue to slip farther and farther away I realize something... this is exactly what I wanted a long time ago. The lord has Always given me everything I always wanted, better or worse. Problem is, people change, needs change. I want my family back, I want sanity, stability, a firm foundation for my kids.