Saturday, October 30, 2010

Productivity Amongst Chaos

Reluctant to say that Logan has continued to be a stink. Yesterday I had enough of his toys being put up. Tristan and I talked about staying here another lease term and having the kids share a room and the thought of this allows me to ... "nest" or get ready. So, I decided I was going to pull all of Logan's toys out and dump everything in to a pile and vacuum out the dog hair, man oh man was it every where. Somewhere amidst moving all his furniture to one side of the room and dumping the bins my back decides that it is going to go out.

I freaked, this is the 3rd time this year, count it the THIRD time. Tristan was sleeping and reasonably so. I thought I would give my back a chance to rest and laid flat on the floor. Bad idea, I couldn't move. I couldn't really do anything and I had to have Tristan come help me up as well as getting Logan a couple times because he was being so ridiculous. My back going out really puts a damper on things but I did manage to finish the cleaning some how last night.

I moved all his posters and pictures to one side, all of his bins and shelves, everything. The left side of the room is empty and ready for Olivia's stuff to move in. Tristan said that me cleaning Logan's room made him happy because Olivia having her own space makes her a real person. He said it sucks, her not having her own room, us not having anything to decorate. I'm pregnant. Don't need to tell me that. We also agreed that I could go crazy buying Princess posters to decorate her side. They aren't that expensive and I stock piled on Super Hero posters when I was pregnant with Logan and even now. I guess I've always had posters and identity in my room and it's how I identify with space. Either way, I'm excited. I'm excited that Tristan is finally excited. That he can finally see that it's coming quick and we need to start shopping, man oh man I can't wait to shop.

On a different note, Tristan has been working non stop the last two weeks or so. It is a blessing and a curse. A curse in that I really have no time to see him or talk to him or anything at all with him. I miss him. He's always sleeping or working and I'm miserable about it. It's a blessing in that Tristan has been feeling inspired and motivated since we got caught up on bills and has had some much needed time to write. He finished chapter one in his first book and is working on character development. This makes me happy because for some time he was miserable. Now he's just miserably tired. The other obvious blessing is over time. We are caught up but as of yet have no extra money. This will help. :) I'm just really glad this isn't permanent because this guy doing the schedule is Terrible.

I did manage to get some more quilting supplies. A bigger cutting board which is sooo nice, a tiny pair of scissors, material to make Tristan a quilt, which is already half done, half the backing to our other dog quilt because I was tired and didn't calculate things times two, and a teeny pair of super sharp scissors. I can't wait til either of our puppy quilts are done because as "simple" as they are [as my mother would say] they are going to be Beautiful and they bring me comfort just looking at them.

I even managed to finally finish my penguin pillow case which led Tristan to tell me that he wants me to make him some new pillow cases, this makes me happy and feel needed. I Love hearing things like this.
♥ So, I'm in the process of making him an "I woof you" pillowcase. When I say in the process I mean to say that my machine has spasmed and is in the process of going on strike. This happened in January when I was working on his birthday present. Apparently I can't make him anything???

Oooh, exciting news! We've decided to do a home birth. I really wanted to do one with Logan but we had a couple little yipers and my mom is semi high strung when it comes to her house so at the time it was not a realistic option, seeing as how I wanted to be as relaxed and stress free as possible during the birth. I contemplated it with Olivia but didn't know I could seeing as how we're on the third floor, or how Tristan would feel about it. Completely supportive. :) He said it stresses him out less knowing that if I go in to labor and he's not here I don't have to try and rush anywhere or wait for anyone and try and take care of Logan and what not.

I couldn't recall what my labor was like with Logan. I knew I wasn't screaming or cursing. I do remember saying I would never have children, or sex again, and I remember being completely exhausted. I asked my sister and she said I was good and that's the only thing she remembers too. Pretty sure I did scream when he crowned. I felt my hips split. Good stuff.

The only thing I'm nervous about is who is actually going to be there. I know I'm going to be extremely huge and extremely naked and not so comfortable letting it all hang out for everyone. I guess we will see when I go in to labor because what I wanted before and what I wanted during with Logan were two completely different worlds. * I can't wait to hold her *

As I write all of this, my back is killing me, my house is a mess, I'm behind on all my projects, my children are driving me nuts and Tristan is once again gone, but I am content, for the first time in a while.

I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Tristan, for working so hard and so diligently, for getting his butt out of bed to make it on time no matter how tired he is and for being so supportive of everything. My love for him is confirmed on a regular basis and I don't know what I would do without him or who I'd be. Thank you, with everything I have.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Stink One and Stink Two

I would just like to say after more hugs and more kisses Logan was finally content to go to bed, around 10pm.

This morning he wakes up in what seems to be a good mood, only it's not. He hasn't done anything so terrible, it's just that he has idle hands. He can't not do anything right now. While some of his efforts tend to be cute the point is that he's simply not listening and being ridiculous.

Daddy woke up today and he was Still a stinker so we made an effort to put Everything up in his room. He spent the first half hours spinning in circles and running around in the space screaming and playing quite happily. Not the message I wanted to get across. I think he's getting bored now, whenever Tristan or I talk and he hears any of it he feels the need to repeat or respond like he's included. This is kind of humorous... not.

Berber Roon isn't doing any better. She has refused to listen to me the last couple of days as well. I've been giving Both of them special treats and goodies this week, like celery and peanut butter and what not, and they Both think that this means they're so good they're immune to the rules.

I've had an ice pack and my phone in my hand now and she's felt the need to follow like I have a treat for her or like I'm giving her something and when I tell her to go away or get down and move my hand up she Jumps Up to try and get whatever it is... I don't think so. There is no reason for her to jump up let alone try and snatch something out of my hands. Which doesn't go without saying that every time I try and give her a biscuit she feels the need to take it before I'm ready. Lol, you were getting this treat for being good, not being a goody snatcher.

I don't know what I am going to do with the two of them as of yet, but I tell you what, I am in serious need of a nap.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

And the Monster of the Year Award goes to.... LOGAN!

Here I am, finally writing my grandmother in France a very overdue long letter. I am specifically at the part where I am describing all Logan's quirks and explaining how amazing he is and how I wish she could meet him and what is he doing in the back ground? Screaming bloody murder, throwing a tantrum and refusing to go to bed. Oh, how sweet life is.

Last night I was completely restless. I spoke to Tristan on the phone for Quite some time, I haven't really gotten to speak to him all week or see him so... we chatted late. Even when we hung up I was restless and couldn't get to sleep. I slept for maybe an hour or two before he got home, then woke up with him and stayed up later than him. I went to bed after 4:30am and Logan woke up around 9-9:30am. I am tired. I planned on taking a nap with Logan today, but he didn't want to. He missed his nap, throwing himself in to bed at 7pm. Why?

For dinner I made chili and cornbread and gave him some milk. He got to sit by himself because he took black crayon to his bedroom wall and my tv... entirely. I was checking on him here and there but apparently not enough. When he brought me his empty bowl and cup I was proud. Not! He dumped his chili And his milk on to his plate that held his cornbread, the only thing he really ate. Wonderful mess to clean up.

Tristan said to take all the toys out of his room, not an easy thing and I knew he'd just get in to his closet. So, we decided to put him in the hall with a blanket and pillow. Psh. He had so much fun. He always brings out blankets and pillows and spends hours making beds and playing with baby dolls going nigh night. Tonight was no different. In an empty hall with a blanket and pillow he had a blast spinning around and making beds and pretending to go nigh night. Wonderful.

At 7pm I put him to bed. He's still awake. It's 8:45pm. He was a toad when I put him to bed but he went to sleep. 40 minutes later he wakes up saying he has to go potty. So, I put his whiney butt on the potty figuring that his mood is him being overly tired. He didn't have to go to the bathroom. He screamed for like 10 minutes. When I suggested we give Kimber a biscuit and tell her nigh night I thought it would calm him down. I was wrong. I gave her a biscuit and he just dropped his head and moped when I asked him to give her his biscuit. So, I took it after asking a couple times and gave it to her. It's not fair to tease her.

He screamed bloody murder because of this so I put him in his room where he screamed more. Tried shutting the door, he banged on it screaming for... 10-15 minutes. Open it, "are you ready to calm down and listen?" I get a yes, we try going to the bathroom again and he gets to talk to daddy. He even gets to give Kimber a biscuit. I figure this is a ritual and now he can sleep. Wrong!

He whines. I tell him to calm down. He puckers his lips for kisses, asks for a hug. I figure sure, he needs to know I still love him. He calms down. I think he's gone to sleep. 15 minutes later, he's at the door half naked ready to pee, only when I put him on, he doesn't have to.

He is currently screaming "momma" and I swear I am going crazy. We haven't had this bad a night in weeks and I thought he might be a good boy for mommy since mommy has been spending so much time with him this week and giving him little treats, and no not just cookies.

But no, alas my grouch monster has returned and I in a ridiculous lack of sleep am surely going to lose my mind. I wonder if he'll be asleep when Tristan gets home at 2:30am. :(

So much for going to bed early.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Logan of the Day

Mr. Loganbear had gone from being the Big Hungry Giant to the World's Pickiest Eater in a matter of days. I am happy to report that his appetite is back.

Yesterday, he ate an entire box of Spongebob Mac N Cheese, after continuously asking for more. Still hungry, bowl of apple sauce. Still hungry, one of his Halloween cookies for being such a good eater. That topped him off.

Today Mr. Bottomless Pit engulfed some cheddar noodles with shredded chicken [soooo good] and some peas and was asking for more... seriously? I gave him Another cookie for being so good, because the last couple days have been a Lot better than the last couple weeks. What does he do? He goes and turns back into a pumpkin.

It's hard to punish him when he's asking for hugs and puckering his lips for kisses. This is where daddy is best at putting his foot down. I've learned not to give in to him as much, though I will give him a kiss and hug before putting my foot down and saying, "GO TO BED CHILD!!!"

I want to be firm with him, but I also want him to know that I love him and I'm not going to refuse a hug or kiss to him. I had many years where it was awkward to hug or kiss my mom and even now to say I love you. I don't want that relationship with us.

So, go ahead. Be a little stink pot and I will still kiss you, still hug you and most importantly of all, still love you.

As for now, it's nap time.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Logan of the Week

Mr. Independent has turned in to Mr. Grumpy Pants. He was a stink butt last week and this week I have been tired and trying to spend more time with him, cuddling and watching cartoons, reading and eating goodies. The Second that I ask him to put something away or to do something he says, "No mama" and drops down to the floor giving me the most ridiculous and pathetic sad face I have Ever seen. He crawls around the floor like he's wiped out and just so depressed. My two year old mopes. If it's nap time, he crawls to his bed and just fall on the side, face first like the world is over. Quite hilarious though frustrating in disciplining.

All last week he was hitting me and hitting me hard and it hurt my feelings more than anything. This week he Kind of knows better, in that when he "hits" me he hits me really soft and it's more the action he needs to get out. The only problem is that he has now resorted to smacking the wall or door or anything he can get his hands on. What part of No Hitting do we not understand?

On a better note, in ways, he has decided that he's done using his potty chair. When he has to go potty he will remove his seat and lift up the lid, pull down his pants, stand in front of the toilet and lean in so that he can go pee like a man! As awesome as this is, I can see we are going to have a problem with shaking and pee drops. This could get messy. :/

Mr. Independent Grumpy Pants has felt the need to not only tell us he wants to watch True Blood, but this week it's Harry Potter. Tristan just finished reading all the books and we borrowed all the movies they have so far, from his dad. We finished the third last night, this taking us a week. Everything now is Arry Potter mom! We even got a Lego magazine in the mail with Harry Potter legos in it and he gets quite excited. That and Star Wars.

He only knows Star Wars because of Lego Star Wars, and he only likes it because he was an Ewok and I taught him how to fling poop so he spent the majority of the time in hysteric giggles.

Yesterday while playing with his pup, that he is Madly in love with, he got bumped down and slammed his face in to our metal pole that holds the speaker. He was crying his eyes out and I was holding him and set him down for some reason and asked if he wanted me to hold him again and he said, "No mama, dadda's turn." I kid you not. OMG!!! Kid's picking up new words, sentences and phrases like you wouldn't believe!

Half the time he talks or repeats things I think to myself, where the Heck did he learn that? Seriously?

Monday we had our Halloween Baking party. I had a great time and I think Logan did too. :) At one point I let him sit in my lap while he frosted cookies. I was worried at first he'd be more concerned with eating them or licking frosting. I have previously said, he's quite intense and deliberate with anything he does. He actually decorated the cookies and did a great job. Aunty Colleen showed him how to do sprinkles and as he shook it, it accidentally got frosting on it. He ended up licking the frosting off and shaking sprinkles again and continuing this for some time. Guess those are claimed.

He made these all by himself.

He had such a great time that I thought I'd let him help me making biscuit pizzas. I learned how to make them in 7th grade, they are delicious and easy and I thought he'd enjoy himself. He had fun spreading on the tomato paste and sprinkling the oregano. The cheese was piled in clumps here and there and needed some arranging. I thought I'd use some bell pepper for flavor and not to waste them. Oh man they were delicious. Logan however disagreed. He does not like the texture or taste of bell peppers. He gave me a look of disgust and said, "no eat this at all mama". I picked off the peppers and told him that it's okay to eat, that He made it and it was delicious. He said, Oh! And tried again... ya he didn't like it. It's cheese, and biscuit... and delicious. Then again, he's been one picky eater lately.

Finished product.

I must say that I find him to be the most amusing thing in the world to watch. He's so focused on anything he does. I Really hope this continues through his schooling years. When he draws he watches the paper with intensity like each line has a certain place to be. I cut out some pumpkins and glued them to cards to mail out. He had a Blast coloring them. I love his little circle squibblys. When he colors things in coloring books he colors one thing at a time, which is second to coloring in the lines. He's kind of always been this way. He's a great painter. I should post pictures of his art work. Even his day care lady was impressed when they got to paint the world. She said he was the best.

I look at him and find myself overwhelmed at how far we come. It seems like only yesterday I was holding him for the first time, the most content and happiest I have ever been in my life. I've been watching him sleep his whole life and he'll always be my baby, no matter how big of a little stink pot he is, or how big he thinks he's grown. I have a soft spot for him, he's my angel and I'm so proud of him. This makes me so emotional in that just a few short months I will have a little girl.

I keep thinking of her, picturing this baby with this big patch of hair in her blue and brown polka dotted onsie. I don't know why that one but it's the only one I see. I worry about bonding with her, about bonding with Logan. I worry about spending time equally with them, I want Logan to feel included and want him to help as much as he wants no matter how ridiculous it could get. I want him to love her like I love him, unconditionally. Already he loves to take time to lift up my shirt and Gently rub my belly and say "good morning Olivia" and kiss her so softly. I know he doesn't fully understand and I don't think any of us will til she's in our arms, but I'm glad he's already thinking of her as gently as possible.

Woman vs Man

Lately I've been wondering if all men are idiots or if they've drilled in them selves that they are not and should not be responsible for anything because it is a woman's job to do.

I have no problem making all the meals, doing all the dishes, doing all the laundry, cleaning all the surfaces of our furry house, vacuuming every day, feeding the dog and taking her out all day and dealing with the monster.

What I do have a problem with is if I have Just finished cleaning the kitchen and wiping down the counters and you come home and make something, you leaving crumbs all over the counter and dishes in the sink. Pick up after yourself.

If I've gotten backed up on laundry and end up having to fold 3-5 loads and our chair is finally clean, don't throw a new load in the chair. Fold it! Take two seconds to fold it!

If I finally made a home for the dirty laundry, stop leaving it in the hall, on the chair, couch, bathroom floor and couch.

If I make an effort to clean an entire area out that I've been working on for months, yes months, then don't take a pile of shit that you have no idea what to do with and cram it in that corner! Don't throw it on the floor or stack it on the end of the table and say, "I didn't know what to do with it."

If you feel the need to save food that you aren't ever going to eat then do the liberty of throwing away your left overs or cleaning out the fridge before a month is up and if you don't and I get stuck with it because you don't follow through with anything... do Not go in to the fridge and start cramming stuff after I just got cleaning a fridge you wanted nothing to do with.

If I make the effort to clean off the fire place from all the clutter so that our house can feel like a home, don't come home and cram junk mail behind the pictures. Throw it away or open it and put it somewhere accordingly.

If we Finally have a bed that is up off the floor and away from the dog, do not egg her on to come "cuddle" with you in the morning resting herself and rubbing herself all over the side of the bed and blankets. Get your ass out of bed and get on the floor and pay her some attention. Also, do not leave the bed in an after tornado state. Take two seconds to straighten things out and make the bed.

If your complaint is that you're working and you're so tired that all you want to do is sleep, do not wake up after 10-12 hours of sleeping, barley say hi and get on your phone and computer for the next half hour or more to "wake up". Pay the people in your life that miss you and need your affection some damn attention. Don't get mad or irritated or frustrated as your son is saying, "dadda watch" or "dadda up" when the only thing he knows is "dadda's sleeping" or "dadda's workin". I don't care how long your day was or how tired you are, if you want children they come first no matter how wiped out you are.

If all you ever do is sleep and sleep in and I ask for a day to sleep in, don't put the kid back to bed so you can sleep too. Get your butt out of bed, go bond with him, eat breakfast with him and watch cartoons with him. It is not going to kill you to put someone else first.

If you're never home when I go to bed or when I wake up, don't make it a point to say hello to your dog first, kissing her and telling her how much you missed her and getting excited about her... then crawl in to bed and go to sleep facing the other direction or just waking up and getting out of bed without saying a word to me... especially when all I do is wait for you.

I wait for you to wake up, to go to bed, to not be tired, to have breakfast, to have dinner, to watch certain things with, to do certain things with.

I wait for you to wake up and you sleep until you have to go to work again.
I wait for you to go to bed and you want to stay up three more hours.
I wait to have breakfast with you only to find that you still need more sleep.
I wait to have dinner with you only to find that you still need... more sleep.
I wait to watch certain things with you only to hear you say you want to do it after 11pm and I'm the one that gets to suffer waking up in the morning, while you sleep in.

No matter how much I toss and turn, can't get comfortable, want to puke from pain or heart burn, no matter how late I go to bed or how many times I wake up, no matter how often we both go to bed at the same time... I'm always the one that has to wake up... by myself. Rise and shine, bright and early, no mercy for the restless. The least you could do, the only thing I'm asking of you, is to wake up with me... with us.

How fair is that I get to spend all my time with myself, waiting on you and doing things for you all day only to have you come home and ignore me? Only to have you come home and not want to help? How fair is it that every meal is spent alone, every night is spent alone, every waking moment... is spent alone. How fair is it that I have to put forth all this effort to make you happy, to do your laundry, to feed you and take care of you like you are a child and you can't put forth any effort in me?

They say a woman becomes a mother the moment she finds out she's pregnant, or feels the baby kick. They say a man becomes a father when he gets to hold his baby. Do I really have to wait so long for someone to wake up? And if so, what if nothing changes? What if I'm still the one with sleepless nights, putting forth all the effort and doing everything around the house and all you want to do is sleep in because You're tired?

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Poison Hearts Will Never Change

I've realized that this blog is more so for my own therapy, expressing myself and letting it out to maybe "let it go?" In any case, I've come across something else I need to let out, and hopefully let go and if not tonight then maybe some time before my final breath.

My grandma is the only person in my entire family that I talk to on a regular basis. She's not even blood related and she's all I've got. I haven't spoken to her in a couple of days, which always makes me worry that I missed another trip to the hospital. She's very sick. She's had emphysema, or still has, and has had a lung transplant. I believe she has finally quit smoking though I don't think she'd tell me if she hadn't. The last year has had it's scares and I've even said my good byes to her at one point.

She was in the hospital for something like 52 days, and she was in a coma and I visited a couple times, hoping to talk to her, coming with pictures and notes of I love you's and get well animals. It was the longest time I had gone without talking to her, it was horrible and I figured I had better get used to it and stop being in denial, nothing lasts forever. So, I shut myself out, I told her I loved her more than anything in the world, and that was it. I felt nothing.

My grandma is the only person in the world I can talk to about anything because she knows everything though some times I find myself being cautious as to not overwhelm her and other times I find myself pouring out. When she awoke 52 days later I didn't know what to do and I felt like I didn't know who she was. A couple months it took me to accept she was still here, cautiously.

Then my grandpa had a stroke, the day before Mother's Day, and refused to go to the hospital. Everybody acted like nothing was happening, because he wanted it that way. I could barely breathe. I followed him to the rivers edge and sat down beside him in sobs, begging him to stay for me, telling him that I couldn't live without him because him and my grandma were my only support. He couldn't even talk, but he stuttered and all he could stutter was, "I'm fine." I'm fine, I just can't talk or control my body. I thought I was going to lose him, in ways I have. That's what strokes do when you refuse the 9-1-1 call that someone who loves you has made.

I always dreaded getting married because the whole "dad" situation, if that's what you want to call it, and I finally came to peace in that my grandpa should walk me down the isle. He's been there for me my whole life, he's loved me unconditionally and supported me. He's the strongest male figure in my life. And I cried that day thinking I would lose him because I wanted to share that day with him and let him know how important he was to me. I don't know what I'm going to do without my grandparents when they're my whole world.

What brings this about is our damn glasses breaking and me having one left, and this particular set of glasses being my favorite because they're the kind of glasses my grandma had, before Donna started taking over. They're the glasses I grew to love and they meant home. One left.

I called my grandma all day, and tonight she answered. She had been having fun. We talked about the last couple of days and her wants. I hate listening to her wants because it makes me sooo angry that I can't do anything, that these are their last days or years or whatever and they have disrespecting people in their house and it's Their house. Just Ugh!!! I've cleared her sewing area before. I wish she could sew like she wanted.

Anyways, we were talking about the Halloween Party and the recipes and what not and she spit it out. The words I've been dreading while wanting to hear all the same. I think it was the way she said it that got to me. She said that she wants to go through her cookbooks, that I can have them, because she can't cook anymore. My grandma, the woman who took care of me and made me those meals I dreaded that have now become my comfort, cannot cook. The woman who let me help her in the kitchen since I was like 4, the woman who inspired my passion for baking and a culinary pursuit... can not cook??? My heart shattered. I knew it, I know she can't do what she used to... but to finalize it? Like death? I am honored that she would give them to me, that I will have something to hold on to that will remind me of her when she's gone. I just can't breathe at the moment.


I'm listening to A.F.I. which is something I haven't really done in a long time, it's the music I matured on, went through hormonal earth quakes with, it's the music I lived through when I lived with my grandparents. And I think, damn, I was a depressed kid that wasted so much of my life. And I feel angry for it. I think to myself, if I had said no, what would my life be like now?

At the ripe impressionable age of 13 my mother decided it was time for me to try alcohol. Yup, I said it. My cousin had gone to Arizona and came back ... a complete different person. And I was curious, and my mom, well, they are one in the same. So, here Amanda, here's some wine. Have fun, be careful, "this is only so you know what it feels like if someone else offers"... Oh, and you want to get high too? Really? At thirteen I was naive and stupid and I knew it was dumb, my first reaction was, "Oh my god mom, are you selling?" I was stupid. So, I got drunk and high with my mom at thirteen and I don't remember a thing. That led to more stupidity and an open door for me to do it and not fear anything. It also led me to ... oh my god, the worst depression of my life, mainly due to my mother.

At one point I couldn't stand to be sober and I would sleep for days. There goes my teenage years, the "best years of my life". Thanks mom. But hey, it was My decision right? Do I have the right to blame my mom for my robbed youth? Do I have a right to hate my mom for showing me what the world was like? Hell yes. I was stupid and innocent before she walked in to my room. I knew fear and I knew right and wrong. I lost five or six years of my life or more.

I woke up one day and realized, I can't do this anymore. That's why I called my grandparents, I knew I couldn't do it anymore if I lived with them. I went cold turkey, mass withdrawals, serious depression, cutting and crazy writing. I truly believe for awhile I was insane. I think back on it now and I cry, I can't help but to collapse and sob at the maniac I was and what I could have been.

I make the choice not to drink because I know what it leads to, I make the choice not to get high or associate myself with people that do because I know what it cost me. I can't be that person anymore, I don't want to be that person any more. I've lost enough of my life. I'm a mother now and I want to be a Way better one than the one I had. Logan is learning "no", he's learning self respect and he's learning right and wrong. He's also learning unconditional love and support, he's going to know what it's like to have someone that won't give up on him.

I'm afraid of what I was because I know what I can become. I've spent hours, days, weeks crying for fear of becoming like my mother. Yesterday I told her I want nothing to do with her. She's unreliable and no better than the dads she's been cursing for 25 years. She says she's not come up to "give me my space" when I've asked her to crowd it. I told her that now I want my space and if she can't respect that I will have her removed from the property. I'm tired of being afraid of my mother, of what she could do to me, more so of hurting her or of what she could do to herself. I can't keep thinking of her feelings, she does that enough for both of us. I made a conscience decision to separate myself from her in hopes of bettering myself as a person, as a mom and as a partner to Tristan.

What I said to her was a Nothing compared to what I could have said, but she's not ready to face reality, she's not ready to admit to the hurt she's caused me. Everything is my fault. It's been my fault for the last 25 years and that's 25 years too long.

You don't smack a 5th grader and call her a bitch or a fucking idiot. You just don't. You don't tell her how much you can't stand her, you don't tell her to get lost or make her feel like a mistake. Not a 5th grader, a child, your child.

I do not like my mother as a person. I was hoping that from a daughter's point of view that she would one day be a mother, but she's not ready and I don't think she ever will be and I need to face that.

I need to face the fact that I always wanted to start a family of my own, with traditions and morals and get togethers' and this is what I got. My family; Me, Tristan, Logan, Olivia and Kimber. This is it. In the end this is all I have. I'm okay with it, just not to the reality of it.

The Leaving Song -A.F.I.

Walked away, heard them say
"Poison hearts will never change,"
walk away again.
Turned away in disgrace,
felt the chill upon my face cooling from within.

Hard to notice gleaming from the sky,
when you're staring at the cracks.
Hard to notice what is passing by with eyes lowered.

You... walked away, heard them say
"Poison hearts will never change,"
walk away again.

All the cracks, they lead right to me,
and all the cracks will crawl right through me.
All the cracks, they lead right to me,
and all the cracks will crawl right through me, and I fell apart.

As I... walked away, heard them say
"Poison hearts will never change,"
walk away again,
Turned away in disgrace,
felt the chill upon my face cooling from within

Friday, October 15, 2010

Theeee Most Adorable Pirate Ever!

These Crazy Kids of Ours

Berber Roon [Kimber Irene] has been quite the pain lately. She can't help but freak any time I enter a room or get near her or even look at her. She goes Crazy and tries to jump up on me and lick me and just... she's intense and she's not listening. It's driving me nuts.

She's been acting weird lately, in that her behavior isn't consistent. She's beyond begging, she practically licked a piece of cheese Logan was eating yesterday. The other day I caught her licking my pillow and blanket on the couch for who knows what. Logan's cheerios? She's over stepping her boundaries, licking Logan's table and definitely not just "looking in on daddy" in the kitchen. The worst part is she now gets four scoops of food instead of three and she's eating twice a day instead of once. She has No reason to behave this way, and most of it is Right after she's eaten. She no longer listens to "go lay down" or sit or anything what so ever. *big sigh* She's even resorted to jumping up on the bed with her front paws.

The funny part is when I'm trying to get dressed. I can find stressful humor in that. She will follow me around while I'm trying to pick out an outfit and go crazy. I'm always afraid she's going to lick me. She likes to lick my legs when I get out of the shower and it drives me NUTS!!! A couple weeks ago I was in the bathroom trying to put my pants on in the door way and Tristan was in bed laughing the whole time... she got down in attack mode and growled every time I lifted them up to put them on and kept pouncing.

Today the missionaries came over and for the first time we didn't forget and weren't busy. I didn't realize how loud our house was. Kimber could not calm down what so ever and neither could Logan. We let them have the couch and seeing as how there's limited seating we sat on the floor facing them. Kimber went Crazy the second I sat on the floor and just stared at me, completely up in my face. I tried petting her, getting her to lay down by me. She was just too excited and ridiculous. We had to put her in the room where she whined the whole time and kept banging up against the door.

Logan was Mr.Chatterbox. He got some books and his potato head to show them and kept interrupting. *sigh* The worst funny part being Tristan's doing. He's obsessed with zombies and has been for some time, thus the zombie blog and story on the way. He's been looking for art work and I don't know who showed him but he felt the need to show me Jesus and the Apostles today Before the missionaries came over... as zombies. Great, thanks Tristan. So, when they asked if I knew who they were I of course glared at Tristan with a smile on my face. Good grief, Tristan Haynes.

Lately Logan hasn't been listening very well, but he does it in a way that's tolerable and I can be patient and try and work with him. He'll just slump down and drop to the floor and give me the world's saddest pout and shake his head saying, "No mama." And while the "no mama" upsets me I feel more curious than anything as to why he's so sad. If he has anything in his hand he'll just drop it to his side and look at me with a pitiful look and slowly loosen up his hand til whatever it is has fallen.

Today Mr.Crabbypants woke up from his way too short nap in a not so good mood. He just wanted to "no mama" me to death and didn't really know what he wanted. I tried holding him and what not but what ever I offered he wanted the opposite. His slump made me smile and instead of sending him to his room like I should have I picked him up and screamed "I LOVE YOU" while tickling him to death and smothering him in kisses. He laughed in frustration trying to push me off. I told him I was going to get his boogies like I always do except he just bursted in to tears and sat there and sobbed, tears from the eyes, drool from the mouth. I held him and rocked him back and forth wondering why he was so sad. :( He seems to be Much better now having mac n' cheese and delicious graham crackers. [I forgot how good those were]

His day did not start off like this, in fact most days he'll wake up and we'll hear him in his room calling out to Tristan or I and we tell him to come in our room and he'll pop in with the world's biggest smile and loudest voice, "GOOD MORNING DADDA!" Tristan usually tells him he's being too loud for just waking up but I can't wait for him to get to my side of the bed and "good morning mama" me and kiss me to death. How can I not wake up in a good mood with him starting my day? As Logan crawls over me to smother Tristan and cuddle with his half asleep butt I tell him, wait til Olivia is here and the Two of them want their "good morning dadda."

I've had a very emotional last couple of weeks dealing or not dealing with my family and yesterday was no exception. We had an appointment that was canceled and I couldn't help but burst in to tears for the simple fact I really really wanted to talk to Ann, our midwife. We turned around to head back to Tristan's mom house and I forgot we were going to show Tristan's mom Logan's new costume [pictures coming soon]. I told Tristan not to let him get to the door. Tristan got him all dressed up and he Loves his costume! He high tailed it Screaming, "let me in grandma". Tristan looks at me as I start to laugh and he says, "how can you Not feel better looking at him?" This is true, very true. I love that little stinker pot, he's my bundle of joy and to this day when he falls asleep on me or I get lucky enough to watch him sleep he looks just as fresh and cute as the day I brought him home.

I love him soooo much

I used to lose Hours of sleep just watching him, I couldn't help but think that I have never loved anything more in the world and to this day he has my heart. I'm glad daddy is around because I'm such a sucker. I'm wondering how it's going to be when Olivia gets here, how many hours of sleep I'll lose, how Logan will react, if he'll love her the way I loved my little brother, if Tristan having a little girl will finally make Him the sucker and I can say I told you so???

Nothing in the entire world has made me so singly happy as being a mother and I'm sooo excited that I get to share it with Tristan and the fact that we get two kids, the fact that I have him And yes, even my pain in the butt Berber Roon.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Attack of the Goody Monster

I'm quite excited to say and excited for my Halloween Baking Party on Monday. I'm not so sure as to whether or not my family will come and quite frankly I don't care because it started out as girl time and this excites me.

I've gone through countless recipes looking for the right menu and things to make together, among them being some spooky black bean dip and ham and cheese spiders. I also want to paint and carve pumpkins. I've started in the decorating and clearly the planning, who knew it'd be so much?

I can't help but wonder if it's the season or this party that got my sweet tooth going. I've indulged in caramellos, praline pumpkin pie, pumpkin ice cream, chocolate milk and tons of other countless goodies including my pumpkin spice white chocolate drinks at Starbucks, with no exception to this night.

At 7:30pm I started making a Smore's Pie... the recipe has been staring me down for a Long time. I thought that I should wait for a couple months, or even November, after the party since we're going to be indulging in so much there. I knew that if I didn't make it I was just going to explode. I have been lacking sleep for weeks and plan on staying up the three hours it needs to set to be edible. I'm terrible.

I can't help but wonder if it's not something else, like depression causing this sweet tooth, this need to sooth comfort food... or something like it.

Clearly I've been stressed out with my family, I didn't realize it effected me so much. I find myself walking around the house and just bursting in to sobs quite often and then crying more because I cried about it in the first place. I don't know why I find my family so upsetting at this point. Maybe because I find myself Actually trying and getting no where. I was told that my legs were broken? Me driving over an hour to see my family with the factors like me not having reliable transportation Or gas money counts for nothing. Me sending pictures and holiday cards on a regular basis for the last two years counts for nothing. I find this upsetting and yet I shouldn't be surprised.

I do feel the more that it gets to me the less healthy my choices are and I find myself refusing to want to gain as much as I did with my first. It doesn't help that Tristan has a case of the blues himself with all the stress we're enduring and him giving in to my goody whims to get his own.

The Goody Monster has attacked and I can only hope he'll be satisfied after a Very rich and chocolatey pie. If not, I'll only have pumpkin pie in November and wait for my Christmas Baking Party in December before I decide to strike back.

Friday, October 8, 2010

Logan of the Minute

I am currently filling out an "All About Us" book and I thought for inspiration I'd listen to "our songs". Upon putting them on Logan jumps up and down in sheer excitement screaming "dance pup" and grabs Kimber's paws, who is just laying there and starts wiggling and dancing around. Needless to say she didn't move but he's quite happy.

Logan of the Day

  • Logan has recently started talking way too many new words, not only blowing my mind but hurting it trying to keep up. Not everything I understand on the first go, the most recent being "mess.
While he always yells at me if something is knocked over or out of place, "Mama Roon!", he has started saying "mess" or "messy" which I didn't understand til we were in his room and I saw legos on the floor, which was what he was referring to. So, now he feels it necessary to point out every mess possible. Thanks Logan, as if mommy weren't crazy enough with the messes I notice.
  • He's also been saying, "Boofull mom." Everything is beautiful. We recently got a bed, as I previously stated, and it has a skirt and oh so wonderful blankets on it. He feels the need to come in to our room now and then, "boofull mom."
  • Just now, I had to go potty, this venture inspired today's blog. As I was "going potty" Logan comes in the room with a Big smile on his face, "Good job mom!" Thanks Logan.
  • He's also been helping to ... discipline Kimber, if that's the right word? Probably not. We've caught him telling her to stay out of the kitchen, "no begging pup", yelling "Burber Roon!" when she puts her toys up on the bed, and "go to bed pup" when she's where she's not supposed to be. Although she doesn't fully listen to him this is quite hilarious.
He's been a bit more bondful with her lately. Much cuddling, tummy rubbing, food feeding, water watching, Kimber licking fun. This morning he was sitting next to her laughing and putting his face out so she could lick him, and while I do admit this is quite gross, it's adorable how he loves her.
  • Another past time of his is to play with babies. He has one Aunty Summer gave him and one Grandma Kim got him. He totes them around in a stroller, and yes I know he's a boy, but he Loves his babies. He got a bear from France that is rather quite cute and possibly my favorite. It has a binky in it's mouth so of course, it's a baby. He brought me a diaper to put on it and his changing pad from when he was a baby and sat in the front room area for hours yesterday or the day before playing house and putting the babies nigh night. I also have his swaddling blankets and that's what they were all cuddling up with. Yes, I am a pack rat. I am working on it.
He likes to sleep on his tummy with his hands under his pillow and my favorite things are when he puts the babies on their tummies on the pillow and says nigh night and covers them up just so.
  • True Blood. We've recently caught up on season 2. Whenever I flip through the channels, "no watch this show all mama" [he doesn't want to watch that] "watch Too Bud mom" [he wants to watch True Blood. Bahahahahahhaahhaahahahaha, you're kidding right?!?!?!
  • While, "No listen mama all" [not listening to mama at all] has become his favorite and most common words I must say that I love this little stink pot more than anything in the world. And while he sometimes confuses Greyhounds with Choo Choo trains, I would say that he's the smartest little button I've come to witness and I'm glad to say that I can finally watch a kid grow full stage. Can't wait til Olivia is here, or til she's strong enough to kick Logan and Tristan.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

We Got a Bed!!!

I will say that I am the most happiest I have been in a long time, because we got a bed. I have not had a bed since 2005 when I was staying at my grandparents. When I say bed, I mean a queen size bed with a frame. So what, you may ask, have I been sleeping on for the last five years?

When I lived with my grandparents my bedroom was my sanctuary, it was beautiful, it was my home. I had it decorated like a shrine and I made my bed every day and had a bed skirt and fancy blankets... I missed having a bed more than anything in the world.

When I left there I traded it in for a twin on the bottom part of a bunk bed. Hooray for me, not. It was rather small and my sister had the top. When I moved she moved and when she moved I moved. I hate bunk beds for the record. At least that one. I will also say that it is impossible to cuddle with someone in a twin bed, let alone fall asleep with them.

I then moved to New Hampshire where I got the luxury of sleeping on the mattress part of a futon on the floor for some odd months before moving it to hard wood floors. This was Way more uncomfortable then a twin bed, and a lot more dirtier... I hate being on the floor.

When I got back I was yet again on the bottom half of a bunk bed, a futon mattress, with busted bars underneath and every night was a pain in the back! This lasted for some odd months before moving back to a twin bed.

It just so happens that this house that we had moved to had and still has the nastiest carpets in the world because the landlord is ... shouldn't be a landlord and did not care how filthy, stained or gross the carpets were. Hooray for me my mother had a metal frame that collapsed from... off the streets she let me... "borrow". This was a pain in the butt and rather smaller still and quite uncomfortable. Oh, sleepless nights. I had it on the floor for a while, it Was collapsible.

I eventually moved upstairs and lost the metal frame, unfortunately Not the twin mattress. I bought a rug piece to put underneath the mattress and slept on the floor a good half, no, all of my pregnancy.

When Tristan and I started dating we tried everything. The twin mattress, a queen sized box spring minus the mattress, thanks mom, a foam mattress on top of the box spring, a floor. Cuddling is impossible without the proper utensils.

When we moved my room grew five sizes too small and I went back to the twin bed, mainly the floor when Tristan visited and when I moved in with my dad I had a leaky air mattress that I had to personally blow up every night and my butt still woke up on the floor.

Upon our moving in to our new apartment we had an air mattress, still leak proof that was somewhat more manageable, stole the mattress topper, that worked for a while. Still on the floor. I believe it was Tristan's sister that was every so gracious enough to bless us with a queen sized bed, HALLELUJAH! And his mother who was too kind enough to deliver it. It was the first time in years I had slept on a queen sized bed, except the first two days after Logan was born and the month we were homeless and I stayed at the Haynes' home.

I was quite pleased, minus the stinky dog that slept at the end of our bed that also liked to rub up against and sleep up against our blankets and throw her hairy wet toys on to our bed. [Thanks Kimber] No matter how many times I washed the blankets I didn't/couldn't feel clean and this pregnancy has not helped with those feelings. In fact, I feel like a cleaning bee. It's all I do anymore. Sad day.

However, there stood a chance of hope in our storage unit, the problem was getting it. After many tears were shed Tristan finally said screw it and threw it on the top of his Durango and last night was our first night with a bed, a full queen size bed with a box spring and frame!

The worst part about it is that Tristan worked graveyard and I was reminded of my fears and phobias... of bed frames. True story. I generally frame myself with pillows and tuck my feet in somewhat tight, but not too tight and stay away from the edges, careful not to let anything dangle. Yes, I will remind you that I am 25yrs old. I am still a baby and terrified of the dark. Needless to say I have watched Way too many scary movies at Way too young of an age. Lucky me.

I kept telling myself all night that if there were little monsters under there surely Kimber would hear them and bark and I would be warned, woke up and saved. This sort of helped. Or it would have if I hadn't been having terribly graphic and horrendous nightmares all week. We're talking the kind where you wake up in the middle of the night and you're so tired you want to cry but when you close your eyes you're thrown back in to your own reality, the kind where you wake up and just want to be held. Last night and lately I have been having nightmare layered on top of nightmare, but there was no Tristan butt I could back up in to, no comfort or warmth and Logan only woke up once and though I tempted myself to let him come cuddle I knew it wouldn't be for the best.

These nightmares have me in a frenzy, afraid to dangle my legs off the bed, afraid to get up and pee, afraid to get water or even look down the hallway of my own house. These nightmares have me waking up in bad moods and leaving me grouchy for some time if Tristan doesn't hold me first thing in the morning and sooth that icky feeling. These nightmares have me feeling depressed.

I went so far as to call my midwife today and she recommends Tylenol pm and extra calcium magnesium to help me reach a deeper state of sleep. We shall see, if not then I guess I get to deal with horrendous nightmares only Not to wake up from them.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Date Night and the World's Crabbiest Child [Making for the World's Crabbiest Mommy]

It's not very often that Tristan and I find ourselves out and about or with any real money to do things with us so far behind. Yesterday we decided that we needed to feel ... normal again? He had the day off so we were headed to the mall and to run some errands. Yay!

I, in a constant state of frustration, finally made a stop to Motherhood Maternity. I swear to you, only the nicest people on Earth can work there. I needed a new bra and the lady measured me and bent over backwards for me trying to help me out. I am Quite pleased to say that I not only found a bra but realized I probably haven't had an accurate measurement in years and this left me in a state of fog and opened my eyes to my delusions. Sad day. I was also blessed enough to get a new pair of jeans. I've been toting around maternity clothes from my last pregnancy. Logan was born in the summer, Olivia in the winter, clothes don't fit the same under those conditions. So, hooray to me and Thank you Tristan for being patient and supportive.

We also made a stop at Carter's and used our coupon to score some Great deals on a couple more cute outfits and bibs for Olivia. That was just as exciting to me. I can't wait til she's here and I'm quite sad that she's going to miss this holiday season, but next year will have so much more meaning.

We did most of this shopping in a shakey fit of hunger and Tristan decided that yesterday would be our "date night" day. We went to Las Magaritas, I've been craving mexican for some time. I will say I've never been in there and I started out quite impressed with the amount of cherries in my Shirley Temple. Their side of beans, amazing. The meal, quickly served. Tristan ordered himself a beer which came with a side of lime and we sat and ate and laughed as Logan got to watch helicopters out the window and we had a good time.

Logan surprises me with all his little copy cat moments lately and yesterday was no exception. Tristan had taken the lime off his drink and set it on a plate and about ten minutes later I was watching Logan playing with it hoping for a taste and a puckery face. Nope, he decided he wanted it on his water like daddy. Quite cute.

Later came the decision to try it and his face was surely that of disgust. He was appalled and nearly threw it back on the plate, no longer worthy of his water. The funniest part of this was not even ten minutes later it was back on his water then back in his mouth like he had forgotten their first meeting.

We headed off to the Petosphere after refueling. I had promised Kimber a treat so I contemplated the pile while admiring the dogs that we will some day have when we get a big enough yard, or any yard at all for that matter. I decided on some pumpkin treats to give her some new flavors and Logan refused to stop playing with all the biscuits. It was time to go and as I went to pick him up I hear, "No mama!" and Smack! As hard as he could in the side of the face. I was not only shocked but rather embarrassed. He has not been so nice to me lately.

Tristan decided our waiting time for Resident Evil was expired and called papa to watch the Loganator so we could complete our date night. We realized that we were already behind and it was a quick drop off and a scurry back to the theater. I honestly have to say that that was the first time Tristan and I have been to the theater to see a movie alone since our first date. I must also say that it was quite nice. The movie for what it was was good, a little drug out, a little played up for the 3D we missed, but good, and I know someday it will sit on our shelf.

We went back to get Logan who had calmed down and wanted mommy to cuddle. I had started feeling sick in the theater and by the time we got there I was beyond ready to go home. I laid in Logan's lap and let him play with my hair before telling Tristan I Needed to get home.

We stopped at Safeway for soup and a soothing beverage which turned in to a full out shopping trip and the world's most complicated decision in buying new shampoo. [I'm thinking I'm allergic to my hair or my shampoo since I have a wicked rash on my neck and I'm trying to avoid a haircut.] After some debate we figured it out and Tristan took us home and made me some soup and took care of me.

Not even an hour in to sleeping I woke up sicker than a dog begging Tristan to leave the room so I could have a moment alone, I wanted to cry. I thought for sure that I was going to vomit and it might have even helped. My feet were killing me enough as it were and I found it near impossible to get back to sleep. I will also say that once I did I found it impossible to wake up.

Tristan let me sleep in today, til noon. Hooray! I needed it, and more. When I woke up I heard that Logan was being a stinker... and it was almost time for Tristan to go to work... un-hooray.

He thought it would be okay to smack mommy again and tell her no, so I went to put him in bed which turned in to an hour or more of screaming bloody murder, me taking the toys out of his room - and him excitedly helping, more screaming and him slamming his door in my face and him putting himself to bed when he was ready two or three hours later.

I decided to do the same and take a nap thinking that a] it would help me feel better and b] he'd be out for at least two hours... wrong. Within seconds of laying down his radar goes off and he's screaming bloody murder, round two. Who wakes up like that? Seriously? So, I go in there, he calms down and against my better judgement I let him lay in bed with me hoping for some peace and trying not to upset my tummy.

He didn't sleep for long but he woke up in a good mood. I took Kimber out and gave him a popsicle, came back in, tried figuring lunch out. He ate a salad, his new favorite, and he ate All of it, earning another popsicle for being so good.

What was Not so good was me laying on the couch to relax and hearing him make noises that I thought were his blocks, still not in his room. Nope, I get up to find little piles of fish food All over the house, kind of comical had it not been so serious, the biggest pile being on his bed. Well, so much for Mr. Nice Mommy and so much for him turning around for the day. After taking nearly twenty minutes to vacuum up all the piles and little pieces the silence started and he was in his room alone... not so silent.

I tried music, solitaire, watching tv, anything to drown him out. Impossible, he's like a broken record or an annoying high pitched bird when he's in trouble with mommy. Daddy puts him in time out and he's silent as an angel, and good as one too. Daddy wasn't home.

Granted it was close to bed time I didnt' want to put him to bed, I wanted him to be up and know that what he did was wrong and that he could deal with being in his empty room for a bit. An hour later he was spouting something about nigh night and was ready to calm down, kind of. I took him potty and daddy called to say good night. He asked me to lay in his room and because he was trying I did. He finally dozed off, only of course to wake up screaming less than an hour later. This kid is relentless with me. I held him and rocked him for a bit and wound up his giraffe and now he's out... til I'm done with this and crawl in to bed I'm sure.

I am so beyond exhausted and my patience is wearing thin. I can't get comfortable at night, I can't sleep, we're only half way in to this and it's going to get worse, I know, I've been there. I need more than a nap anymore, I need my sleep precious child or mommy will turn in to Oscar the Grouch.

I will say that I still love him more than anything in the world, and that he steals my heart away with his little tender moments, as few and as far in between as they are coming. He makes me smile, and he makes me laugh.

Speaking of which, last thing, I promise. We picked him up The Great Pumpkin King at Walmart yesterday and when we got home I was putting things away and didn't process him showing me All I Want for Christmas Is a Dog, Charlie Brown. He said, "No watch this one anymore mama." And I told him he didnt' have to. What I didn't know at the time was that he had taken it off the shelf and in it's exact place stood The Great Pumpkin King, he traded them out. I told him we could have both and put them both on the shelf... "Oh mama." Cutest words in the world.