Thursday, June 30, 2011

Advice of the Day

"Once a douche bag, always a douche bag"

Time has allowed me to grow up, learn from my mistakes and try things differently. Looking back, I went through a lot of crap, but I was an idiot. Today, I am an idiot in much less idiotic ways (like not knowing how long it takes to fly across the country). I've gotten my crap together, I think about my kids first, and what they deserve and what will work best for them.

Other people on other hand *cough cough Ramiro cough cough* like to think about themselves. It's all they've ever thought about, and all they Will think about. Calling me two years later to say that you've changed, while openly admitting to doing meth and not having a stable home and job and bouncing all over the place from state to state and back again does Not make you stable. It also does not help exaggerating things that are clearly... exaggerated. Some things never change, and for these reasons, some people are better off not knowing which sperm bank they came from.

My first thought was, I still hate you stay away from my son. Then I thought, how the hell is he going to handle it? When should I tell him? How hurt will he be if I lie to him? How disappointed will he be if I don't? So yes, I considered my son. And the only person he considers? Himself. He doesn't think of the effect he'll have coming and going as he pleases, acting like a hot shot full of lies and disease. He doesn't think about how Logan already has a dad, and one he loves. He doesn't think about the stability that Logan has, that neither of us had, in varying ways. He doesn't think about what's best for Logan.

His mom? She cried. Omfg she cried. I'm the villanous vixen who seduced her son. I was older and smarter of course... He had a child when he was 16. That was not my child. And I was not the one who went out and got another girl pregnant four months later. But yes, I am the one with the problem and her problem with me resulted in her not wanting to see her grandson... until now? I offered, I talked to her, she knew Ramiro wouldn't stand up and be a man and take care of his own. She knew where to find us and that I held open doors. She blew me off just like he did.

So, do I want this stranger to my son and this unstable family around him just because their blood is similar? Hell to the no. I'm sorry. Maybe, just maybe if he Actually had his shit together and saw the error of his ways. Maybe, just maybe if he'd stop calling me up all depressed and suicidal with his bull shit life. .... nah, I probably wouldn't even then. Because no matter how old he was, I gave him a free pass. A pass to see his son whenever he wanted as long as he wanted, 3am for ten minutes. 10pm for a week. I offered gas money and bus fare, I offered to pick him up. His excuses for not being there are just that, excuses. And now you're trying to tell me you were too young? You're still the same, and kids younger are more responsible.

You weren't there when I needed you, when he needed you.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bloggity, Blog, Blog, Blog!

I definitely decided I want to change my last name, and not when I'm married. I'm thinking Treat, it's my biological father's last name and for historical purposes, accurate. My brother said I should take his biological grandma's last name... I don't know it. I donno. Then I have a hard time justifying that with Logan. I just want Logan to be okay and that's what I worry about and I know a last name isn't going to change anything but I feel like it's different for guys. Girls get married and they become their husband's wife. Guys, they pass that shit on. It's who they are, the manly thing. I want him to know where he's coming from so he can know where he's going.

I don't know what I want. I know what I used to want. I used to want to have children with one guy and one guy only, no confusion, get married and settled down and forget the rest of the world. I fucked up, obviously. At one point, I wanted Logan's... sperm donor to see him all the time, any time he could and I would've done anything to help it. I didn't want him to be without a father, or his father to have a reason to be without him. But it didn't work that way and he was barely there anyways, so I told him to just get lost because we weren't playing this "whenever you feel like it crap". I went through that.

I don't want to take everything out on Logan and deny him things to where he's uneducated about it later. I also don't want to hurt Tristan, the one person who's always been here for him. He seems to think that if Logan were to find out that he would some how love him less, I know that's not true. From my step dad's point of view I shouldn't do this because to him, he's Tristan. But as the child, I know who I love and how much I love them, and all the crap I went through. I love my dads, all of them, flaws and all - equally. I just have a little more hatred towards my real dad in never being there because I felt like he should've. But that teaches us nothing so...

My dilemma? What to do? I want Tristan to adopt Logan no matter what, because should something happen to me, Tristan is the only person I trust him with and the only person that really knows Logan and who he is. I want Logan to know his brothers and sisters, but that's up to the other skanks (moms). I found out when I was like 8 that I have a little sister but until the last couple months I didn't think I'd ever meet her and I'm glad I did. If I'd known earlier would my relationship with her be different? I wish I always had her, that I knew her growing up.

I just don't want to fuck all this up.
(excuse the language, the subject alone is sensitive)

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Amanda Mae Who

Today is Father's Day. A day to celebrate. While I will say I had a wonderful time with Tristan, aside from the fact I had very little time with him, I found today extremely depressing and even cried a little. And yes, I will admit I'm already an emotional mess half the time anyways these days.

I called my step dads and wished them Happy Father's Day. One has been there since I was 2yrs old and the other 7yrs old. You do the math, they've been in my life for some time. I couldn't get a hold of my biological dad, whom I'm trying to patch things with, our journey has been rocky. He didn't answer and it felt like someone stabbed a knife in my chest. I should be grateful that I have a unique family, and a father to celebrate for my children but I hurt knowing that I don't have a father to celebrate and it's not because he Can't be here, but because he Chooses not to be here. It hurts more so not having a mother to celebrate.

After my grandma died my family decided I wasn't worth their time anymore. I lost my grandma, I lost my grandpa, my dad and my uncle, I lost my cousins and the only family I have ever known.

Years ago my grandpa sat me down and told me to write a book, "Amanda Mae Who", about my life story and who I really was, other than a name. Perhaps he's always known I wasn't a Deel, or didn't want it to be so. Perhaps I never belonged and I just thought it was normal, this shit I put up with. After several people wrongfully pronouncing my name this week and me having to explain over and over again who I am I feel like I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't know why this is because my name has always felt awkward for me to say.

The dilemma? I'm not taking my mother's name for the simple fact that I disowned her family or rather her family disowned us and well, we don't have a great relationship, I'm not taking that name.

I love my stepdad and he's been begging me to take his last name... not going to happen though it's sweet to ask. My biological father? Treat. Amanda Treat? It sounds... awkward as well. But then again, my first name has always seemed awkward to me. So, take the last name of a father I have a rocky relationship with? He is rightfully my father and so in lies the problem. I think my main issue is with myself. I think I personally need to delve in to that issue further before I fully understand it but in part I do believe it.

So, on this note, I will say Happy Father's Day to all from Amanda Mae ... just Amanda Mae because right now I belong to no one else.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Home-e-o, oh Home-e-o, where for art thou

So, I have an addiction to Starbucks and Shutterfly. They'd both be quite harmless under any other circumstances but the fact of the matter is Starbucks isn't just for bad days anymore and Shutterfly isn't just once a year.

While I am truly grateful for the roof over my head I miss my coffee pot. Just brewing the coffee woke me up and without it I find myself going to Starbucks a Lot more than necessary.

I am also with out anything other than my camera and my hard drive. I don't have my house, my kitchen, or my hobbies. I have Shutterfly. I've made a couple books since being here. I've purchased a couple even. I want to make them for Everyone, I think they're Awesome!!! I love having all the pictures of my life and babies at my fingertips.

My moments with my grandma come and go. I still haven't heard anything from my family. Her birthday was the 10th and I tried calling to give my condolences. Nothing. I tried. Tristan ended up going out of his way to make sure her birthday and birthday dinner were perfect.

I thought my relationship with my mother was fixed after her death but nothing's changed. I don't think it ever will. Especially with nearly $2k debt in my midst because of her. Not something that makes me happy, but then again I'd settle for her company which I can't even get. I think I'm going to have to write a letter. I can't maintain composure over the phone and one or both of us would end up in a scream fit or all out brawl.

Every day Logan and Olivia draw closer. He's the only one that can make her laugh. In fact just this last week, I believe my grandma's birthday, Logan had her in hysterics. He was throwing laundry at her like a mad fool but so far he's the only one to get her to do it. They're adorable together. I hope the "I hate you" phase passes quickly.

Still looking hard for a place to live. Might have to pay off $1,500 first. It seems there's a pattern here in trusting people we shouldn't with financial responsibilities. But I guess in the end everybody owes somebody.