Thursday, June 30, 2011

Advice of the Day

"Once a douche bag, always a douche bag"

Time has allowed me to grow up, learn from my mistakes and try things differently. Looking back, I went through a lot of crap, but I was an idiot. Today, I am an idiot in much less idiotic ways (like not knowing how long it takes to fly across the country). I've gotten my crap together, I think about my kids first, and what they deserve and what will work best for them.

Other people on other hand *cough cough Ramiro cough cough* like to think about themselves. It's all they've ever thought about, and all they Will think about. Calling me two years later to say that you've changed, while openly admitting to doing meth and not having a stable home and job and bouncing all over the place from state to state and back again does Not make you stable. It also does not help exaggerating things that are clearly... exaggerated. Some things never change, and for these reasons, some people are better off not knowing which sperm bank they came from.

My first thought was, I still hate you stay away from my son. Then I thought, how the hell is he going to handle it? When should I tell him? How hurt will he be if I lie to him? How disappointed will he be if I don't? So yes, I considered my son. And the only person he considers? Himself. He doesn't think of the effect he'll have coming and going as he pleases, acting like a hot shot full of lies and disease. He doesn't think about how Logan already has a dad, and one he loves. He doesn't think about the stability that Logan has, that neither of us had, in varying ways. He doesn't think about what's best for Logan.

His mom? She cried. Omfg she cried. I'm the villanous vixen who seduced her son. I was older and smarter of course... He had a child when he was 16. That was not my child. And I was not the one who went out and got another girl pregnant four months later. But yes, I am the one with the problem and her problem with me resulted in her not wanting to see her grandson... until now? I offered, I talked to her, she knew Ramiro wouldn't stand up and be a man and take care of his own. She knew where to find us and that I held open doors. She blew me off just like he did.

So, do I want this stranger to my son and this unstable family around him just because their blood is similar? Hell to the no. I'm sorry. Maybe, just maybe if he Actually had his shit together and saw the error of his ways. Maybe, just maybe if he'd stop calling me up all depressed and suicidal with his bull shit life. .... nah, I probably wouldn't even then. Because no matter how old he was, I gave him a free pass. A pass to see his son whenever he wanted as long as he wanted, 3am for ten minutes. 10pm for a week. I offered gas money and bus fare, I offered to pick him up. His excuses for not being there are just that, excuses. And now you're trying to tell me you were too young? You're still the same, and kids younger are more responsible.

You weren't there when I needed you, when he needed you.

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