Amanda Mae Who

Today is Father's Day. A day to celebrate. While I will say I had a wonderful time with Tristan, aside from the fact I had very little time with him, I found today extremely depressing and even cried a little. And yes, I will admit I'm already an emotional mess half the time anyways these days.

I called my step dads and wished them Happy Father's Day. One has been there since I was 2yrs old and the other 7yrs old. You do the math, they've been in my life for some time. I couldn't get a hold of my biological dad, whom I'm trying to patch things with, our journey has been rocky. He didn't answer and it felt like someone stabbed a knife in my chest. I should be grateful that I have a unique family, and a father to celebrate for my children but I hurt knowing that I don't have a father to celebrate and it's not because he Can't be here, but because he Chooses not to be here. It hurts more so not having a mother to celebrate.

After my grandma died my family decided I wasn't worth their time anymore. I lost my grandma, I lost my grandpa, my dad and my uncle, I lost my cousins and the only family I have ever known.

Years ago my grandpa sat me down and told me to write a book, "Amanda Mae Who", about my life story and who I really was, other than a name. Perhaps he's always known I wasn't a Deel, or didn't want it to be so. Perhaps I never belonged and I just thought it was normal, this shit I put up with. After several people wrongfully pronouncing my name this week and me having to explain over and over again who I am I feel like I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't know why this is because my name has always felt awkward for me to say.

The dilemma? I'm not taking my mother's name for the simple fact that I disowned her family or rather her family disowned us and well, we don't have a great relationship, I'm not taking that name.

I love my stepdad and he's been begging me to take his last name... not going to happen though it's sweet to ask. My biological father? Treat. Amanda Treat? It sounds... awkward as well. But then again, my first name has always seemed awkward to me. So, take the last name of a father I have a rocky relationship with? He is rightfully my father and so in lies the problem. I think my main issue is with myself. I think I personally need to delve in to that issue further before I fully understand it but in part I do believe it.

So, on this note, I will say Happy Father's Day to all from Amanda Mae ... just Amanda Mae because right now I belong to no one else.