Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Bloggity, Blog, Blog, Blog!

I definitely decided I want to change my last name, and not when I'm married. I'm thinking Treat, it's my biological father's last name and for historical purposes, accurate. My brother said I should take his biological grandma's last name... I don't know it. I donno. Then I have a hard time justifying that with Logan. I just want Logan to be okay and that's what I worry about and I know a last name isn't going to change anything but I feel like it's different for guys. Girls get married and they become their husband's wife. Guys, they pass that shit on. It's who they are, the manly thing. I want him to know where he's coming from so he can know where he's going.

I don't know what I want. I know what I used to want. I used to want to have children with one guy and one guy only, no confusion, get married and settled down and forget the rest of the world. I fucked up, obviously. At one point, I wanted Logan's... sperm donor to see him all the time, any time he could and I would've done anything to help it. I didn't want him to be without a father, or his father to have a reason to be without him. But it didn't work that way and he was barely there anyways, so I told him to just get lost because we weren't playing this "whenever you feel like it crap". I went through that.

I don't want to take everything out on Logan and deny him things to where he's uneducated about it later. I also don't want to hurt Tristan, the one person who's always been here for him. He seems to think that if Logan were to find out that he would some how love him less, I know that's not true. From my step dad's point of view I shouldn't do this because to him, he's Tristan. But as the child, I know who I love and how much I love them, and all the crap I went through. I love my dads, all of them, flaws and all - equally. I just have a little more hatred towards my real dad in never being there because I felt like he should've. But that teaches us nothing so...

My dilemma? What to do? I want Tristan to adopt Logan no matter what, because should something happen to me, Tristan is the only person I trust him with and the only person that really knows Logan and who he is. I want Logan to know his brothers and sisters, but that's up to the other skanks (moms). I found out when I was like 8 that I have a little sister but until the last couple months I didn't think I'd ever meet her and I'm glad I did. If I'd known earlier would my relationship with her be different? I wish I always had her, that I knew her growing up.

I just don't want to fuck all this up.
(excuse the language, the subject alone is sensitive)

No comments:

Post a Comment