Sunday, December 25, 2011
July 29th, 2012! Our Anniversary is July 29, 2009 and I'd like to keep it on that day so we have one anniversary, and that's our day.
I'll keep you posted on how things are going. But best said, "...because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible"
Sunday, December 4, 2011
|I started doing reviews for my friend, the first being organic baby food.|
|She likes to bang down the door while daddy is sleeping to make sure he's still there.|
|Olivia started standing on her own, and often.|
|She likes to feed herself, and only then will she really eat.|
|She likes to feed her puppy, and currently gets away with it.|
|This is her at the mall, playing like a big girl.|
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
It's an obvious statement to say that we not only have to downsize but we really need to think about what we want in our lives and what we want to surround ourselves with. Instead of 3 casseroles, we really only need one. Instead of 23 glasses (they break), we only need 4.
The best part? NO DISHWASHER!!! ... or washer and dryer. Eeek! It will take some getting used to, there will be sacrifices, but it's ours, and it's home.
The downsizing just has me thinking, we buy bigger places, we buy more stuff to fill those places. Any space we have needs to be filled with something. What happened to big open fields, necessities, country life... peace. Clutter is such a burden and one I've self indulged in. It's time to purge, it's time to rethink my life. It's time to start over.
Sunday, October 23, 2011
I've been gone for a couple days and I'm terrified of going home, terrified of his girlfriend being there - drunk, terrified of the rage building up inside of me and what my reaction might be if I get backed in to a corner. I'm angry. I'm angry at him for being a terrible father and grandfather, for being a terrible landlord and roommate, I'm angry for the let down and thinking he'd actually sobered up, I'm angry at his stupid two face girlfriend and his preference to her over us being homeless.
I'm angry at myself for allowing my family to be in this situation. I didn't know it would've came to this. I'm glad Olivia has not been institutionalized in one of those snotty, ignored daycare centers. Right now, it's time to get a job, to make some money, to get a home for my family, some bedrooms, some stability, some safety and security.
I'm nervous about the job of course and my keeping it given my track record but it's time to man up and buckle down and with Tristan kicking my butt I can't back down now, with the kids, ever. Wish me luck on getting this job, wish me luck on keeping it, wish us luck on not sleeping in our van or being homeless at Christmas, god forbid Thanksgiving.
At least we have each other and as people continue to slip farther and farther away I realize something... this is exactly what I wanted a long time ago. The lord has Always given me everything I always wanted, better or worse. Problem is, people change, needs change. I want my family back, I want sanity, stability, a firm foundation for my kids.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
October 4th he packed up everything, and made sure he had Everything. I know he's not coming back. He needs space, we need space, and to figure out who we are as individuals and what we want as individuals. "We need to figure out who we are apart, to be together...." ??? I donno.
I don't love him any less than I did the first day I saw him. I miss him so much, I'm afraid he's not coming back and I'm trying to get my ass in gear to figure out what I'm going to do with me, now.
They say the number one reason relationships fail now a days is people fall out of love, then they give up. Yes, I've fallen in and out of love with Tristan, but I know it's temporary, and I still love and appreciate him as much as the first day I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him (day one).
I do miss who we were in the beginning, I miss the visits, the excitement, him loving me back. We've had a rough couple of years with all kinds of challenges and this was the last straw. He wants to work on some things and try again later, but I know that sometimes when people grow, they grow apart. I'm afraid to lose him.
I can't stand the dog hair, him sleeping all day, the big mess from him not caring, us Never doing anything... but I love him. I love the life we created, I love/loved us. I miss us, I miss him trying, I miss me trying and being aware. <//3
Saturday, September 24, 2011
I choose to stay at home and keep my kids out of daycare, I choose to be a crafty lady and not save up any money for any real investments. I choose to wait to go back to school.
Going back to school is freaking me out. I know nothing comes free and I know the whole point is to start my career, but once I go to school there's over $300 a month in student loans to pay back on top of looking for a job or planning my own business if that's what I decide. I don't want to work for anybody, I know things don't come handed to you, I just know what I'm passionate about.
Right now it's my kids, but I'm not even going to lie. I wish I could take random spur of the moment trips, leave the state for a week, a month and not think twice. I wish I had time to stay up late and wake up early and not have consequences as to wether or not the kids got enough sleep or if they're okay with the plans or even wether or not I can take them where I'm going, Kimber too.
While the tottering thought of having another child or not is lingering in the back of my mind I feel trapped with the ones I already have.
I can't say I don't enjoy spending every waking moment with them, that they don't make me laugh and nothing can replace the happiness they bring me, I can't say that I don't love their hugs and kisses or "I love you's" more than life itself, because I do, they're my world. ( Even as the little one is copying my keys strokes at the threat of destroying this whole post ) I love them more than life itself. I just wish we could do more, I wish could Be more, for myself, for them, for Tristan.
The only thing I desire to do is to learn to sew better, to mix and match coordinating fabrics, to learn to make a soufle, to become a "master chef", ( yes, even with my picky palet), to travel to exotic places - in the contiguous United States and maybe Maybe one day be not so afraid to fly to France ( and live to tell the tale ).
I envy people doing what they want, when they want, where they want, as long or late as they want. At this point, I just want my home back, my kitchen. I want to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert for my family, I want to cuddle up and watch a comedy, I want to light a fire, plant a garden, I want bike rides, bowling leagues, soccer teams and scrapbooking clubs.
*sigh* I want my life to go on (na na na)
Friday, September 16, 2011
I just got off the phone with my mom. I had to take the battery out as the hang up button disappeared completely. I can tolerate her, be nice to her, until she starts ranting and raving about being a great mother, about all these great memories I don't have, about her being home and there for me. *cough cough BULL SHIT cough cough*
I went days without food, I sometimes had lunch money and other days would eat friends scraps. She made it a point to be there more for my friends who she thought didn't have parents than she was for me. I remember missing school to be home with my sister, I remember not being sober because of her. I remember her having no clue as to how I felt or who I was. I remember her hurting me on a daily basis and journals chopped full of reasons I hated her. I don't remember this sunshine and rainbow she talks about.
I asked to borrow her sewing machine, mine is currently inoperable and taking my sanity with it. She said no, simply because its hers. Had I been my brothers girlfriend or my own friend, "poor thing". She said I can't use it because... its hers. That's it. And all I asked for was a week. A week of sanity and a moment apart from tears. She said to pay to fix mine, $180. She said we should have the money because we make more than her. We have two kids and debt. She went on and on with excuses, telling me to tell everyone else to take care of it like they were indebted to me in her mind.
I try and try and try to have a relationship with this woman who gave birth to me but for the love of God I don't think its possible. I hold her accountable to too much and all I want her to do is acknowledge it. Its not going to happen.
I'm tired of feeling so invisible to everyone.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
The longer married man said he loved his wife as much as he did the first day he met her, the other said, "Shouldn't you love her more as time goes by?"
I don't know about you but the greatest part of a relationship is the beginning; the butterflies, the excitement, realizing that you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with.
I think it takes a lot more work to feel that way as the relationship goes on and that it's something to be cherished if it can be held on to.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Garage sale coming before the end of September, I think that's a must. There will be a beautiful aray of stuff there in a hasteful need to rid clutter and turn a buck.
About $150 to change my name and about a thousand after filing, fees and background checks for adoption. *big sigh* I don't want income tax spent before we get it. :/
My grandma Micheline called for Logan's birthday, her goal is to move back to the United States... and she laughed, she was happy. It was nice talking to her, I miss her so much.
Logan's birthday was a stressful accomplished hit with pictures to come. I'm proud of myself <3
Quilt is almost done, sewing machine died, pictures on that to come too...
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Truth is she left when I was like in 4th grade and I miss her terribly. Now that I'm trying to be everything she wants... its been a month since I've heard from her. Its scaring me and prompted me to attempt to call hospitals in France. That was interesting to say the least and I know my brain is wired to think the worst, but I'm trying here and she's acting out of character. Whre is she? Why isn't she writing back, calling or answering her phone?
Last time it was because she was in the hospital. And I'm such a shitty space cadet I don't remember what for. I don't know how id handle something happening to her. She's pretty much the only family I have left. I will say my fear of flying dwindled with my conversations with fluent french speakers. I need a passport.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Friday, August 5, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
I don't feel like I've got to enjoy my kids, or my spouse since all this went down. I felt like my after baby energy had just restored itself, its since been replaced with depression. I know its a depression only time will heal. I know we'll be taken care of, that we've been being taken care of, I know God provides all and with patience a good ending is always inevitable, or a good middle. I also know we need to take charge of our own lives and buckle down. We're a work in progress.
I love the ceramics store, very theraputic. Hoarders has me a little worried. I need to jump on the band wagon and get more done. Then I wouldn't feel so cluttered, collective or wasteful... work in progress remember.
I feel like I'm too judgemental on my family and at the same time, what am I getting? My counselor said to toss and I think I'm ready too, not like much will change.
Much needs to change. Today I'm starting, wish us luck. <3
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Time has allowed me to grow up, learn from my mistakes and try things differently. Looking back, I went through a lot of crap, but I was an idiot. Today, I am an idiot in much less idiotic ways (like not knowing how long it takes to fly across the country). I've gotten my crap together, I think about my kids first, and what they deserve and what will work best for them.
Other people on other hand *cough cough Ramiro cough cough* like to think about themselves. It's all they've ever thought about, and all they Will think about. Calling me two years later to say that you've changed, while openly admitting to doing meth and not having a stable home and job and bouncing all over the place from state to state and back again does Not make you stable. It also does not help exaggerating things that are clearly... exaggerated. Some things never change, and for these reasons, some people are better off not knowing which sperm bank they came from.
My first thought was, I still hate you stay away from my son. Then I thought, how the hell is he going to handle it? When should I tell him? How hurt will he be if I lie to him? How disappointed will he be if I don't? So yes, I considered my son. And the only person he considers? Himself. He doesn't think of the effect he'll have coming and going as he pleases, acting like a hot shot full of lies and disease. He doesn't think about how Logan already has a dad, and one he loves. He doesn't think about the stability that Logan has, that neither of us had, in varying ways. He doesn't think about what's best for Logan.
His mom? She cried. Omfg she cried. I'm the villanous vixen who seduced her son. I was older and smarter of course... He had a child when he was 16. That was not my child. And I was not the one who went out and got another girl pregnant four months later. But yes, I am the one with the problem and her problem with me resulted in her not wanting to see her grandson... until now? I offered, I talked to her, she knew Ramiro wouldn't stand up and be a man and take care of his own. She knew where to find us and that I held open doors. She blew me off just like he did.
So, do I want this stranger to my son and this unstable family around him just because their blood is similar? Hell to the no. I'm sorry. Maybe, just maybe if he Actually had his shit together and saw the error of his ways. Maybe, just maybe if he'd stop calling me up all depressed and suicidal with his bull shit life. .... nah, I probably wouldn't even then. Because no matter how old he was, I gave him a free pass. A pass to see his son whenever he wanted as long as he wanted, 3am for ten minutes. 10pm for a week. I offered gas money and bus fare, I offered to pick him up. His excuses for not being there are just that, excuses. And now you're trying to tell me you were too young? You're still the same, and kids younger are more responsible.
You weren't there when I needed you, when he needed you.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
I don't know what I want. I know what I used to want. I used to want to have children with one guy and one guy only, no confusion, get married and settled down and forget the rest of the world. I fucked up, obviously. At one point, I wanted Logan's... sperm donor to see him all the time, any time he could and I would've done anything to help it. I didn't want him to be without a father, or his father to have a reason to be without him. But it didn't work that way and he was barely there anyways, so I told him to just get lost because we weren't playing this "whenever you feel like it crap". I went through that.
I don't want to take everything out on Logan and deny him things to where he's uneducated about it later. I also don't want to hurt Tristan, the one person who's always been here for him. He seems to think that if Logan were to find out that he would some how love him less, I know that's not true. From my step dad's point of view I shouldn't do this because to him, he's Tristan. But as the child, I know who I love and how much I love them, and all the crap I went through. I love my dads, all of them, flaws and all - equally. I just have a little more hatred towards my real dad in never being there because I felt like he should've. But that teaches us nothing so...
My dilemma? What to do? I want Tristan to adopt Logan no matter what, because should something happen to me, Tristan is the only person I trust him with and the only person that really knows Logan and who he is. I want Logan to know his brothers and sisters, but that's up to the other skanks (moms). I found out when I was like 8 that I have a little sister but until the last couple months I didn't think I'd ever meet her and I'm glad I did. If I'd known earlier would my relationship with her be different? I wish I always had her, that I knew her growing up.
I just don't want to fuck all this up.
(excuse the language, the subject alone is sensitive)
Sunday, June 19, 2011
I called my step dads and wished them Happy Father's Day. One has been there since I was 2yrs old and the other 7yrs old. You do the math, they've been in my life for some time. I couldn't get a hold of my biological dad, whom I'm trying to patch things with, our journey has been rocky. He didn't answer and it felt like someone stabbed a knife in my chest. I should be grateful that I have a unique family, and a father to celebrate for my children but I hurt knowing that I don't have a father to celebrate and it's not because he Can't be here, but because he Chooses not to be here. It hurts more so not having a mother to celebrate.
After my grandma died my family decided I wasn't worth their time anymore. I lost my grandma, I lost my grandpa, my dad and my uncle, I lost my cousins and the only family I have ever known.
Years ago my grandpa sat me down and told me to write a book, "Amanda Mae Who", about my life story and who I really was, other than a name. Perhaps he's always known I wasn't a Deel, or didn't want it to be so. Perhaps I never belonged and I just thought it was normal, this shit I put up with. After several people wrongfully pronouncing my name this week and me having to explain over and over again who I am I feel like I'm just trying to convince myself. I don't know why this is because my name has always felt awkward for me to say.
The dilemma? I'm not taking my mother's name for the simple fact that I disowned her family or rather her family disowned us and well, we don't have a great relationship, I'm not taking that name.
I love my stepdad and he's been begging me to take his last name... not going to happen though it's sweet to ask. My biological father? Treat. Amanda Treat? It sounds... awkward as well. But then again, my first name has always seemed awkward to me. So, take the last name of a father I have a rocky relationship with? He is rightfully my father and so in lies the problem. I think my main issue is with myself. I think I personally need to delve in to that issue further before I fully understand it but in part I do believe it.
So, on this note, I will say Happy Father's Day to all from Amanda Mae ... just Amanda Mae because right now I belong to no one else.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
While I am truly grateful for the roof over my head I miss my coffee pot. Just brewing the coffee woke me up and without it I find myself going to Starbucks a Lot more than necessary.
I am also with out anything other than my camera and my hard drive. I don't have my house, my kitchen, or my hobbies. I have Shutterfly. I've made a couple books since being here. I've purchased a couple even. I want to make them for Everyone, I think they're Awesome!!! I love having all the pictures of my life and babies at my fingertips.
My moments with my grandma come and go. I still haven't heard anything from my family. Her birthday was the 10th and I tried calling to give my condolences. Nothing. I tried. Tristan ended up going out of his way to make sure her birthday and birthday dinner were perfect.
I thought my relationship with my mother was fixed after her death but nothing's changed. I don't think it ever will. Especially with nearly $2k debt in my midst because of her. Not something that makes me happy, but then again I'd settle for her company which I can't even get. I think I'm going to have to write a letter. I can't maintain composure over the phone and one or both of us would end up in a scream fit or all out brawl.
Every day Logan and Olivia draw closer. He's the only one that can make her laugh. In fact just this last week, I believe my grandma's birthday, Logan had her in hysterics. He was throwing laundry at her like a mad fool but so far he's the only one to get her to do it. They're adorable together. I hope the "I hate you" phase passes quickly.
Still looking hard for a place to live. Might have to pay off $1,500 first. It seems there's a pattern here in trusting people we shouldn't with financial responsibilities. But I guess in the end everybody owes somebody.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Most days I think of my own death, my children and their children. Tristan says I focus too far in to the future... that alone has me thinking. It's true. I still live for now but I have plans and goals, places I want to travel some day or soon. I can't wait to attend my children's weddings *fingers crossed* or my grand children's birth but I also can't wait to go swimming with Logan this summer or take them to the park.
It's also hard not to think about death when it is everywhere.
April 25th, 2011 Capri Sophia Warmoth came in to this world at a little over 24wks and left shortly after. Her funeral was hard, it had me thinking a lot about my grandma and about how little I really understand. Daniel said some really powerful things that really helped me and attending these proper services, though for little Carpi, really helped me to get some closure with my grandma.
It hurts, her not having a final resting place or proper services to welcome her in to the after life. Tristan said he'd like us to name a star after her, and baby Capri so that they'll always be remembered.
I'm still learning a lot from her life, from her death. Still healing, still hurting, still mourning and grieving, always remembering. It seems unreal to me and I miss her, I really do. She meant so much to me and I just hope she really understood how much.
Friday, April 15, 2011
I took you for granted. I looked to you for all the answers, expecting you to always be here for me, to always be at my beck and call. But you weren't a beck and call, you were a grandmother, a person with your own needs and sometimes I feel like I didn't respect those needs.
With your death I have learned so much, mostly regrets. I regret not visiting more, not asking more, listening more. I regret the things we had planned to do that now sit stacked with dust, or worse yet in garbage bags. I have more regrets about what didn't happen then what did and it scares me.
I miss you. I'm so lost now and all I can think about doing is asking you to fix it. With your death I've realized just how much control I have over my own life and the choices in it. I've learned that if I'm not happy with the outcome of things then I'd better start doing something different, unfortunately, the thing I need to quit doing ... is trying.
I feel like I need your approval, like I need you to tell me that it's going to be okay, to tell me that what I'm doing is right. In the end I realize all I have is myself.
Although no one will ever fill your place, and you will eternally be missed I know that it's time for me to close this chapter in my life and start a new one, I just hope you can forgive me. This isn't what I wanted but I feel I have no other choice.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
I want to write, I want to sew, to paint. Not all in one day obviously, not to overwhelm myself. I need more paints, I need the border to my Finally finished quilt. I want to start Tristan's quilt this week. I need to get the pictures off my table and finalized in to boxes to be packed back to Centralia.
I have no idea where my family stands. The phone and in person are two completely different things. Lately I feel I have no family except my brothers and sisters and right now I'm grateful for that. Uncle Josh has been visiting more, Aunty Chantal actually stayed a weekend and I finally met Aunty Kaili. :) It excites me, having brothers and sisters, more than I can say.
Aunty Summer (Tristan's sister) is in the hospital. She's only 21 weeks. Her placenta is attached to the cervix and it's slowly peeling away. She's having a little girl, although right now things aren't looking good. The best thing to do is to be hopeful, pray. She's a lot stronger than I am, that's all I can say.
Logan is learning to finally potty on his own, as far as pulling up his own pants and underwear go. He's still in love with his sister who is completely in love with him as well as her daddy. Her smile stretches for miles when they're around and she can't take her eyes off of them. It's quite cute. Logan is also vocalizing more, he's singing on his own as well as lyrics to songs and surprising me daily with the things he knows and shows.
Olivia is so wide eyed and alert ... and beautiful it astounds me. She was going to bed at midnight every night and waking up around 11-noon, sleeping through the night. The last couple days has been closer to 10pm. Yay! She's still sleeping through the night and I might actually get sleep if I could sleep.
My goal is to limit the tv time which I know will make a huge difference, have Logan in bed my 8pm and myself in bed by 10pm, which of course is up to Olivia. But I figure summer is coming and I want to start waking up earlier, getting more done, or having more time to do nothing at all except play with the kids.
Monday, March 28, 2011
I don't know where my irrational fear of death came. Maybe it was the way it was explained to me as a child. Maybe it's my understanding in the fact that it's final. Death equals no more. No more waking up, no more sunshine, no more traveling or adventures, no more breakfast with the kids, no more laughs or smiles, no more hugs or kisses, no more "bonding"... no more Anything. You just wake up one day and there's a void.
I'm sick to my stomach thinking of my kids living without me one day. I'm sick to my stomach thinking of life without them. I feel like I was selfish to bring them in to this world because of it's inevitable ending, not to mention all the terrible things that could happen along the way.
I say that I learned a lot of things from my grandma, and that I'm learning a lot of things from her death. She was like a mother to me for so long. She loved me unconditionally, the no matter what kind. She supported me even if she didn't agree. She sat back and watched my life unfold instead of telling me how disappointed she was. Yes, she shook her head at me and spoke her mind, but she never held anything against me or thought less of me for who I was.
I grew up loving my grandparents more than anything in the world. As I got older I learned that what I always thought about them was a lie. I question whether or not my grandma was truly happy, if she lived the life she wanted. I now know, or always knew that she didn't. I learned from her that I don't want to die unhappy, living my life with regrets. I don't want to be doing something I don't want to, something that makes me unhappy that's going to sap the life out of me. Was she with her one true love? Did she get all she wanted out of life? I doubt it. I know most of us don't. Her life was out of her control I feel. I know she held her tongue on most things. I guess I learned to be so vocal in watching her be so silent.
My heart is breaking, my world is shattering. I feel like my grandma was a filter on life. My grandpa admittedly said, "Your grandma's dead. I don't have to be nice anymore." And it doesn't sound like he has been. He's been nice to me, reassured me a few times he loves me, just threatened to kill some members in my family is all. Fail! My step mom is now openly telling me to f off because I'm "not a Deel" and shit hit the fan. Wonderful. This is All I need on Top of my grandma dying. I feel like she'd be turning over in her grave, but I also feel like she knew. I know she was out of control of a lot of things, and my grandpa didn't always respect her wishes so what should change now?
I love him. I feel like I'm mad at him. Maybe just denial of her death? He said it's so nice not to have piles in his room. I get that, but for fuck sake she died less than three weeks ago and like it or not, those were Her piles, those were Her things. Maybe not the best part of her... but to just wipe her out completely? To hear my dad say the day she died how much shit was worth? Really. ALL IT IS IS STUFF! Replaceable stuff that means nothing. She's dead. Nothing I get or take is going to bring her back or fill the void. Nothing.
I just feel like I should have properly said good bye knowing it was coming. I should have said thank you, told her I loved her, told I couldn't live without her... maybe I did. I don't know. I just know I feel like I lost. I know she loved me but I almost feel mad at her for not saying something, Knowing it was coming. It's stupid, I know, immature.
I'm so pissed! I can't call her when I have a question. I don't know who to turn to, who to talk to, who to ask, who to share with. I feel so alone. I feel lost. I'm depressed with out her. The longer it's been the more questions I have. The more I want to share with her. I'm pissed she didn't take care of herself, that she didn't quit smoking to be here. I'm mad that she's not here now. That I can't call her, to tell her what Logan did or that Olivia's smiling. I can't send her anymore pictures. I can't... anything. And now all our unfinished projects, all our dreams are in garbage bags to be tagged to the first person to get their hands on it.. except what they sneak out or take. Makes me sick to my stomach, thinking of my step mom with her hands on my grandma's stuff. My grandma hated her. She didn't care about my grandma either. My grandpa's got the wool over his eyes, they drink together, she flirts with him, she knows how to play him. Her jewelry, hell, everything is just a dollar sign to them. Makes me sick.
I wish I had money to sign up for a kickboxing class. I've always wanted to take one and I truly think it'd help in so many ways. Someday it will be another regret of the things I didn't do. As if I didn't have enough of those already.
I don't want to waste my life wishing I would've done more. I think that's worse than death. I'm so sick in my stomach with all this I can't take it.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
She died Monday morning at 8:05. I talked to her Friday and said we could visit the whole day, she said, "No, come later." ... I was hurt by this and atm I wish I wouldn't have listened. She went to the hospital that night I believe around 1am. I tried calling Saturday and she couldn't talk. Sunday we got a call saying to come down because it didn't look good. I knew what was coming, I didn't know how long it would take but I begged Tristan to take the day off and go with me.
I walked in to a good bye room. Everyone that loved her more than life was there, surrounding her, with boxes of tissue at her feet. It was kind of poetic. This made it real. I sat by her for awhile playing with her hair, she always liked that. She was awake about an hour before we got there... they induced her in to a morphine coma to ease the pain until ... well, until she died.
We took the boys to the park. Jason's only 7, he didn't need to sit in a hospital all day and watch my grandma die, though he did know it was coming. He kept asking Tristan and I if we'd been around death. *broken heart*
When we were done with the kids I thought visiting hours were over. I learned later I could've stayed all night if I'd wanted. We left my grandpa's around 11pm I want to say, we went back to our hotel and tried to get some rest.
I couldn't sleep, wondering when it would happen. I always envisioned this moment, my grandma dying. I always wondered how it would play out, if I would stay for weeks, move down to keep my grandpa company, close up and do nothing. I prayed for the first time ever that she wouldn't get better. I prayed for her to die within 24hrs. I let her go.
She's lived 8yrs longer than we thought she would've. She gets sick all the time, in and out of the hospital all the time, getting better than getting worse, me going hysterically crazy... afraid to lose her. But the reality is she can't always keep getting better, I can't ask her to stay forever. She needed to go. She's a fighter and she held on as long as she could've. She got to meet Olivia, which was all she wanted.
I woke up around 7am I gather, dreaming about my grandma all night. I had a feeling I should've just taken Olivia to the hospital. I wished I would've. At 8:15 I got a call from my uncle saying my grandma just passed.
Shock, tears... then a shut down. I jumped out of bed in a hurry to be there for my grandpa, called my mom and brother and headed out the door as quickly as possible.
When I got to my grandpa's I walked in the door and saw my dad, I went to my grandpa and embraced him, wanting him to hold me so I could cry and I did... started to before he told me to stop and straighten myself up, get myself together. That was the end of that.
I've had spurts of tears here and there but no real break down, no real grieving process or mourning. Every time I try to Logan needs to pee or be fed, Olivia wants to be held or eat herself. I've not had five minutes to myself, to clear my head, to allow myself to feel everything I've been feeling.
I'm depressed. I've been avoiding this for a long time. I haven't been depressed, not truly depressed in years. Back then I made the decision it had to stop, I couldn't keep feeling like this and go no where and I keep telling myself that now, perhaps denying myself the chance to grieve in the process. I don't think it's healthy, especially after just having a baby. If anything it'll cause me to turn in to one big train wreck.
Memorial is this Saturday. I'm in charge of everything to do with pictures... I'm not even close to being done. Fail.
Her photo book has arrived in the mail and that's about the only thing complete. *sigh* I'm a skosh overwhelmed. I'll write more when I come down from this, hopefully sooner than later. <3
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Last Thursday Uncle Preston came over and stayed the night. We were all up til 2am, me uploading pictures to Shutterfly and the boys playing video games. Around midnight I got so much pain I could barely sit down. It's not unusual for me to be uncomfortable, though I did have a feeling something was happening.
Around 9am I woke up with contractions. It's been awhile and I wanted to make sure before I woke up Tristan but there was definitely no going back to bed for me. Around 10am I woke up him and we called Ann who told us to time them. For an hour they were 6 minutes apart. We were in labor, Finally!!!
Uncle Preston Obviously did not want to be here, we had brought him though and Tristan certainly wasn't going anywhere so Daniel came and got him. When he got here he also was nice enough to take Logan and Kimber as well as run to the store for us for some last minute things. Thank goodness.
We timed contractions all day and tried napping all day to conserve energy. Whenever they seemed irregular we would decide to lay down, then they would pick up again. Ann doubted real labor I think but I knew she had decided to come. I just felt bad that Logan was there Alllllll day. I had hoped she'd be there by 2pm.
The contractions never went away and later that night Tristan's mom brought Logan back up. Of course, they picked back up and we all got excited. I was Extremely tired and hungry by then seeing as how I munched all day preparing for labor. Tristan made me a grilled cheese around 11pm and we tried watching some comedy which I didn't find so funny at the time.
Around midnight we decided we were too tired to play games with Olivia and we should catch our sleep while we could, planning on her being born when we woke up the next day or something.
Saying good night to Kim we crawled in bed and cuddled and had a little talk... not five minutes later the contractions not only picked up but were the kind I couldn't talk through. They were the kind that I didn't need to tell Tristan I was having because he could tell by looking at me, or me squeezing his hand to get through them... this was it... she was coming, now.
We called Ann who said to time them and call her back. We did that for a little bit before we just decide this was it. She was on her way, Kim was alerted and Tristan and I just laid in bed getting through the contractions. It was quite emotional and almost romantic or... gratifying?
When Ann arrived I was nearly in tears at the thought of being checked. Tristan held my hand for support and... I was an 8! It didn't register at the time, Tristan had to point it out that not only was I pretty much done, but my cervix wasn't scarred and I didn't have to be ripped! That was awesome, just not on my top list of priorities in thoughts.
Her daughter set up the tub and I could get in to it immediately. It was kind of awkward for me, getting in to a tub in front of a crowd in my own living room. Nonetheless I finally gave in and hopped in and it felt sooo good. Tristan was behind me, on the side of me, ready to brace me through contractions. Tristan's mom said I could've been a pioneer woman, I had her laughing while I was in labor. Bahahhaha. I guess all things considered, I Did kick butt.
I didn't kill Tristan's hands, ears or ego. I wasn't mean or feisty, I wasn't irrational or screaming... except at the end.
They got more intense, I braced myself around Tristan's neck and pushed... I got this
My screaming woke up Logan
Saturday, January 15, 2011
I would like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Tristan. I've been on his case for quite some time, and frustrated with him, and bitching about him. I've always loved him, he's just always drove me nuts... he still drives me nuts.
Since our Intensive Labor Class I've noticed a mass improvement in his effort and involvement and I guess I've noticed myself a bit more relaxed and not so... Ahhhhh as far as everything goes which I'm sure helps.
We've been getting a long more, talking more, cuddling more... actually being a couple again. I can say that I missed it and I love him even more than I once did. It's nice to know we're doing this together and that I have him no matter what.
I was quite nervous about our delivery, about a lot of things, about him. He's stepped up and proved me wrong and I'm sure he's reading this. I just wanted to take the time to say a public thank you instead of a public rant.
All this time I've felt so lonely, all this time I've missed you. I feel like I have you back and I don't want to let you go. I love you more than anything in the world and I am eternally grateful to have you in my life.
Our "It's a Girl" decorations
A Delicious cake from Coldstone, courtesy of Aunty Monica
A really good picture of Aunty Monica and Aunty Colleen
Marah and Misha
Liz, Aunty Monica and Aunty Colleen
Me, Tristan and Logan
Monday, January 10, 2011
My entire life I have had some sort of family now and then, in one way or another. Since I decided to get my life together that now and then turned in to you're good enough on your own from everybody except my grandparents, more so my grandma. She is the only person in the entire world that loves me for me, unconditionally. Even when she disagrees, which is often, she still manages to love and support me. [I don't know how she does it]
My grandma was diagnosed with emphysema nearly 10yrs ago. We Never dreamed back then she would make it this far. She received a lung transplant, and continued smoking. Regardless, at least once a year her or my grandpa... or both get deathly ill. And we think, this is it, they're finally going. And each year I stress out and a part of me dies, but they keep on living. It's a miracle.
When I was 18 I moved in with my grandparents. I recall my grandpa telling me then that he was beyond ready to die, that they'd seen all they needed to see, done all they needed to do. I'm fairly sure my grandma has always disagreed [about the being ready to die] but either way, I've Never been ready for either of them to go. He said the only reason they were still alive was to make sure that I was taken care of, okay. Is that why this is happening? Because things are Finally looking up and going right for me? This isn't fair.
I thought for sure my grandma wouldn't live to see Logan, this terrified me. After he was born she was in the hospital quite a few times and we always visited. It scared me to think that this could be it.
Last year she spent 50 something days in the hospital, mostly in a coma. I visited often and at one point I actually let her go. My grandma is the only person I have. I talk to her at least every other day, if not at least once a week. When she was in the coma it was like she was already dead. I couldn't communicate or share with her. I just waited, and wondered if she would ever wake up. I accepted the fact that she might not while hoping she would. But for a while, she was dead to me. It's terrible I know but that was my coping process... then she woke up. I was, I didn't know how to deal with it but eventually things went back to normal.
Then my grandpa had a stroke and refused treatment hoping he would die that day, the day before Mother's Day, while I was visiting in tears begging for him to stay alive. He didn't want to, doesn't want to.
My grandma has conveyed to me several times she doesn't think she is going to live to see Olivia. I can hear something in her voice that's never been there before. I keep telling her, pleading with her, "Just two more weeks, she'll be here early. I promise." ... just hold on a little longer.
My grandma is a stubborn woman. That's why she's still here, she's refused to go. She's at least promised to come back and haunt me, I kid you not we've had this conversation. I really can't live without her. I told her I'd like her ashes too, to carry with me and take on all my adventures. My grandma really is my whole world.
Today I was talking to her, she just doesn't see how it's going to happen, how she's going to see Olivia. She said if she drinks too much water she pukes it up. I thought this was weird, thought it was intestinal. Didn't process it. Denial? She thinks she has pneumonia. She can't breath, wakes up in panic when her oxygen falls off. She can barely catch her breath to talk.
I called my uncle tonight, to ask him if she's still here when I go in to labor to bring my grandma. He said he'd do what he could if she could travel. Then silence, then I lost it. I burst in to tears, told him they're my whole world, all that I have and I don't know how to live without them. He of course told me that I need to focus on myself, that I can't and shouldn't feel like this while I'm pregnant and while he's right, I can't not. He told me that he would be there for me, that he Is there for me, regardless of my dad. It all just stings. My world is collapsing all around me.
He said that she's getting skinnier. He said that it probably was coming soon, that she can't hold down food and she's wilting away. Her body is shutting down, her body is dying. I keep thinking that if I pray hard enough God will understand, that he'll give me just one more week and I'll go in to labor on the day. But can prayer stop a dying body?
My uncle's girlfriend called me, he was worried. She said I need to let them go. I don't care if she dies on Olivia's birthday. I just want her to meet Olivia, I don't want to think about it while I'm in labor, the loss she could be replacing. I would be giving myself a very long and painful labor, not able to relax or let go. I'm now more terrified than ever, more selfish than ever. I need her.
I'm sure my grandpa will pass shortly after, he might not even last a day and to be honest he might just do it to himself. My full support, the only family I really have, gone in the blink of an eye and probably this month. I don't mean to think the worst but it's all happening so fast.
I have abandonment issues with my "mother" and "father's" already. I have no one. No one else to talk to, to turn to. No one to call every day, no one to vent on, no one that just understands because they've already lived through and seen the bullshit I've endured.
My grandma is a comical person. She makes me laugh, she gets my sick and dark jokes, she makes them too. I love calling to share something that I know only she will get, and Tristan has me call her all the time to share things he knows only she will get too. She gets a kick out of it.
My grandma is the most beautiful person in the world to me. I've always admired her, and wished that I could've grown up knowing her and the people her and my grandpa were. I'm sure that the reality would be me not wanting to know since it's what made them who they are today.
I love them more than words can say and I know they know I love them but I don't know if they know how much. Does it even matter? Will I have any unsaid words that I take to my grave? Any regret if they went tonight? Other than that they're gone? Other than that I can't be there? Other than that I get to see the vultures reveal their claws picking and tearing at what remains of the life they left behind?