It seems like life is going forward for everybody but me; traveling, hiking, shopping trips, business decisions, careers... and I? I'm a mom. A mom by choice to two beautiful children but I feel stuck and I only have myself to blame.
I choose to stay at home and keep my kids out of daycare, I choose to be a crafty lady and not save up any money for any real investments. I choose to wait to go back to school.
Going back to school is freaking me out. I know nothing comes free and I know the whole point is to start my career, but once I go to school there's over $300 a month in student loans to pay back on top of looking for a job or planning my own business if that's what I decide. I don't want to work for anybody, I know things don't come handed to you, I just know what I'm passionate about.
Right now it's my kids, but I'm not even going to lie. I wish I could take random spur of the moment trips, leave the state for a week, a month and not think twice. I wish I had time to stay up late and wake up early and not have consequences as to wether or not the kids got enough sleep or if they're okay with the plans or even wether or not I can take them where I'm going, Kimber too.
While the tottering thought of having another child or not is lingering in the back of my mind I feel trapped with the ones I already have.
I can't say I don't enjoy spending every waking moment with them, that they don't make me laugh and nothing can replace the happiness they bring me, I can't say that I don't love their hugs and kisses or "I love you's" more than life itself, because I do, they're my world. ( Even as the little one is copying my keys strokes at the threat of destroying this whole post ) I love them more than life itself. I just wish we could do more, I wish could Be more, for myself, for them, for Tristan.
The only thing I desire to do is to learn to sew better, to mix and match coordinating fabrics, to learn to make a soufle, to become a "master chef", ( yes, even with my picky palet), to travel to exotic places - in the contiguous United States and maybe Maybe one day be not so afraid to fly to France ( and live to tell the tale ).
I envy people doing what they want, when they want, where they want, as long or late as they want. At this point, I just want my home back, my kitchen. I want to make breakfast, lunch, dinner and dessert for my family, I want to cuddle up and watch a comedy, I want to light a fire, plant a garden, I want bike rides, bowling leagues, soccer teams and scrapbooking clubs.
*sigh* I want my life to go on (na na na)