Feeling rather stressed out lately, depressed. Too many thoughts on my mind. Too much going on. Too much to do, too much not to do.
My grandparents aren't doing so well. A week or two ago I was talking to my grandma. She's a bit worried about my grandpa. He had a stroke the day before Mother's Day. I was there. He refused the 9-1-1 call, the ambulance, the pleas and cries. He refused to live. Thing is, you don't always die of a stroke. It can paralyze you, leave you brain dead. In his case, his brilliant mind is sometimes stunted and he can't always get the words out. Even just sometimes, but it embarrasses him and he walks away.
He has apparently had two since, or heart attacks? I'm not sure. I didn't get this out like I'd wanted from her. I do know that he was due for an MRI because of it and that the doctors were baffled because they couldn't Do the MRI. His heart was working too hard and too irregular to analyze, or whatever it is that they do. This next week he will probably need heart surgery. I'm not sure what they're going to do. The only thing my grandma is semi certain they will do is to shock is heart and try and get it to beat regularly. She's scared. I'm scared. I love him too much, I need him too much.
My grandma has problems of her own, the most recent not appropriate to post. Just a near hospital visit that probably would've made her sicker or kept her in there past her expiration date.
I've been feeling tired lately, which doesn't help with this depression. We recently made a trip to Centralia. Before we left I virtually had everything clean to where we come home and I vacuum. Well, that and having to wash Every single thing we took because the smoke. x_X
We got there late Wednesday, stayed up til midnight, woke up at 8am, had a little nap, got home around 11pm, went to bed later, woke up at noon, went to bed last night around 11 or midnight and woke up at like 10am this morning. My schedule is off. I'm exhausted. Logan is having little bouts of fits, which is fine I'm just too tired to deal with them. Tristan has gotten Way more sleep than I these last couple days. It's draining me.
I'm sooo glad I got to see my grandparents, regardless of it throwing off our schedule. Next time I'll just make sure we leave at a more reasonable hour. I got some pictures, I got some bonding done. I feel like an idiot that I didn't talk more. I made some chocolate and peanut butter fudge, Tristan made dinner. I wanted to help more than I did. I wanted to stay longer than I did. When I went to leave I felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest and that this really was "good bye". It's terrible. I should have more faith than that. They can't leave before meeting Olivia, can they???
I spent all yesterday cleaning and catching up on laundry, washing my Christmas dishes, fixing our bed to where it's more sleepable. I was ready to wake up and make cookies. Aside from not sleeping last night, the power went out. When I woke up at 10am ready to wake up Tristan just wanted to sleep more. Waiting for the power to come back on was a waste because he still had to go to the store. I didn't know we didn't have eggs. I was going to start cookies.
When he got back he programmed and I made him breakfast then he left for work. :( I really wanted him to help with Logan so I didn't have to watch him while doing everything I have to do. I made the first batch of cookies and when I went to roll it out it wasn't usable because it was too soft. Took me long enough with Logan screaming for me every five minutes and throwing fits. I just want to cry.
I'm not stressed out about cookies. I'm stressed out about not getting them done, of trying to make cookies, breakfast, lunch and dinner, watch Logan and entertain him and clean the house and dishes as I go while making sure I'm not avoiding anyone.
I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now other than completely alone, invisible. Logan is down for a nap. He threw his cup on the floor, he did this for the first time at my grandma's and broke her glass and splattered milk every where. I should take a nap too. In fact, I'm going to. Maybe when I wake up I will have a refreshed energy and some better luck at tackling my tasks???
I'm excited about the things I'm making. I'll post pictures for who ever reads this when I'm done.
Oh, and I finally got some things at Joann's for Christmas for every body. Logan finished them last night quite happily. We just have cards to finish and labels for the tins. :) This makes me happy.
The worst part is, watching Logan color last night and feeling so happy at us just sitting there together, I felt like I didn't deserve it and that something must be wrong and the world was going to end. I kid you not. This has happened since he's been born. He makes me so happy and when we're having so much fun I feel like this means I'm going to die soon. :( I don't like it, I don't know how to get rid of it. I wish I could go back to counseling. I'm a mess. 3