I'm finding myself quite frustrated lately. This frustration varies in degrees and in various things, consisting of but not limited to; my family, my mother in particular, my mother in law for various reasons or misunderstandings or whatever, my house, my procrastination, this season, the past, the present and the future, my belly and discomforts and more so.... the mister.
It's normal to have separate hobbies, interests, goals etc. It's "normal" for guys not to be interested in girly things. It's normal to be different. But is it so normal to not only be from Mars and Venus, but to stay there?
How is it that I'm supposed to understand programming, zombies, end of the world stories, fish tanks and all their drama, the ins and outs of labs, graphic foreign films, terrible action adventures and countless other things... but the moment I go to share I get a grunt, an "it's not my thing" or just am completely ignored or given some excuse... "I have the rabies... get back."
It's hard not to compare past relationships in trying to find logic in this. It's hard not to think of tons of movies where the men may not understand but they try to be supportive and pretend to be interested or care enough to Take interest.
Never have I been in such a stationary relationship. Yes, I was younger. Yes, I didn't have kids. But my sense of adventure has not gone out the window. Where did the rest of the world go?
I feel completely hurt now, and disappointed. I didn't see myself like this. I don't want to consider myself trapped. I know I am my own person and I can still do the things I did before... alone. But isn't that the whole point of being in a relationship? To Not be alone?
I wake up alone, I eat alone, I go to bed alone. Aside from Logan, I am always alone. I've said before, I don't mind doing all the cooking, cleaning and maintenance of the house. The part that bothers me is the part that I can't get help sometimes with out gripe. It's not even that I Want the help, it's that I want to know that someone is Willing to help and not just dismiss everything because they think they're better than it.
I'm frustrated because I feel taken for granted. I'm seven months pregnant now. I don't feel pregnant. I don't want to be babied but I hate to say it, when I lived with my mom, she did more for me in understanding. Ya she is a woman, but a cold hearted one, comparable to man. She Offered to rub my feet because they were hurting or swollen, she offered to help out any way she could because she knew I shouldn't be lifting or doing some of the things that I was doing or needing to do. Now? If I'm crying because my back hurts, or literally can't walk because my feet hurt, or need something moved that I clearly should not move... I have to deal with it, double up on aspirin, throw out my back and dislocate myself.
I'm not asking to be treated like a princess or a gimp. I'm asking to be acknowledged. I feel like nothing has changed, my body is not creating life or going through terrible discomfort or changes, I'm just getting fat because. We're down to the wire, we missed the birthing classes. In its place we were given books on labor and delivery. His reading streak consisting of something like 10+ books has now came to an end and he can no longer read... I feel like I'm in this alone.
I don't expect an inhabitant from Mars to sit down and sew with me or discuss the best pattern for cross stitch but where's the time together? It Used to be in the kitchen. Holiday cards, that's my thing, has been since Logan's been born. But when I have like 20 cards to make and get out and they involve more than my family Some kind of help would be appreciated. And if I go through the trouble to make them I would hope they all get sent. I can't even get a group effort on this one, just to spend time together. Cookies? Nope.
Tonight I tried getting help in the kitchen to make cookies. I thought it would be fun, that we could take and eat deliciousness. I got griping, constant griping the entire freaking time, from the moment I asked to the moment we actually made them. I ended up finishing them while someone else went back to his own hobby. So much for quality time. Apparently that can only be spent in front of the television. Wonderful.
I'm tired of feeling alone, of feeling isolated. I'm tired of hearing that he shouldn't have to do anything or participate in home activities. I'm tired of hearing how boring his job is, or how much he gets done, like reading and drawing and now, programming. Wow, so glad you have all this personal time... and then tell me you need personal time at home. I'm glad that I don't work ... my job is 24-7, no breaks, no personal time, no vacations or leave. But yes, you go right ahead and stay in bed and ignore the world around you. I'm Tired of it.
I'm tired of being behind and not getting anything done or taken care of because I'm waiting for we'll do it laters. I'm tired of putting my life on hold and waiting for something to happen that never does. I'm so tired of waiting. I am miserable and depressed. This is not a pregnancy hormone. I've been feeling this way a long time, hoping that it would change. Hoping Something would be realized, that I would be respected or acknowledged.
I don't even know what to get excited about anymore? Why should I? Especially if I'm the only one putting in effort. Our anniversary? My birthday? I know, this has passed, but hey, why should things change? Should I go through the effort of getting excited for Christmas and making a big deal out of it only to hear on the day that there was no time to do anything or someone was busy? Should I set myself up for disappointment or just give up now? Should I keep trying, holding out for something that clearly will never change. It's not the gift I'm seeking, but the thought. At this point, I can Honestly say I don't want anything. All I wanted for my birthday or our anniversary, literally, was a homemade card and a boxed cake. Effort?
My initial draw to my source was ambition, motivation. Since our colliding it's all gone out the window. My past relationships involved travels and adventure, even in a lack of cash. Money helps, but it's just an excuse. I'm not asking for a trip to Vegas or Hollywood. I can't even get a walk down the road. I can't get him to leave the house. It's like he's died inside and I feel responsible.
Our relationship went south New Years of last and picked up a little when I moved in with my dad. Down hill again when we moved here and now it's just up and down, unpredictable and lacking any enthusiasm, passion or motivation. I say these things because they bother me. I say these things because I miss the man I fell in love with, or maybe I was blinded by mere childhood fairy tales. Is it too late to get these things back? Will a child just crush the pieces of the puzzle making them irrevocably fixable?
I feel alone now, I'm going to feel So much more alone and depressed when she's here. I don't want to feel like that, like this, isolated.
Yesterday I found myself completely in tears, strung out with thoughts. Instead of asking what's wrong, I get a, "Are you really going to act like this?" Upon bringing that point up much later... I still haven't been asked what was wrong. I spent all yesterday in tears and he doesn't even know why, doesn't care why. The reason? Could be life altering, earth shattering. But ya know, I'm just a pregnant bitch with an attitude.
How are men and women so different that they don't even feel the same things? Value the same things? How do people connect anymore? How do I find my happiness? If I'm going to feel alone would it be easier to Be alone?
*disclaimer: I'm not saying my mister does nothing for me. I'm grateful to be at home, I'm grateful for the roof over my head and my occasional surprise meal... I'm complaining about the connection that some how got... disconnected. I want to feel something more