Friday, November 26, 2010

Pregnancy Blues

I don't know if it's me being pregnant. If it's Christmas coming up, if it's going through old pictures or just the weather. I'm feeling depressed.

Before Tristan and I got together I used to do so much with Logan, I used to take so many pictures too. Even after we got together we took a ton of pictures and managed to do Something now and again.

I know, we have our own place now, and bills, and I'm not working. But I don't even take pictures anymore. It doesn't help that my camera is shot, or that my phone is now broken. It doesn't help that I don't see the point in getting dressed let alone dressed up or that even when I do it doesn't matter. It doesn't help that when I'm awake Tristan's asleep and vice versa.

It doesn't help that I feel like just a baby carrier right now, completely lacking intimacy. I don't care about hours and schedules. Tristan slept through half the beginning of our relationship and we managed more than we do now.

I miss not living with each other. I miss Both of us getting excited to see each other. I miss being invited to dinner at his sister's house or his parent's. I miss traveling and taking pictures. I miss kissing and cuddling and even good byes. I miss not taking each other for granted or feeling so alone. I miss the effort.

I feel like no matter how I do my hair, or if I brush my teeth or shave my legs... I'm just me and nothing more. I feel like crap half the time not having anything "pretty or sexy" to wear, or even having any money to get the things that I need. I miss having more than two pairs of pants and shirts that covered my belly that didn't make me look like a camper.

I miss being pregnant with Logan and actually buying stuff every chance I had. I hate not knowing when or if we're going to get everything we need. I hate not feeling in control or even in the know. I think it's stressing me out.

I'm rather irritated at the fall through with Target and more so the lack of interviews since. I could kick myself in the behind. I feel useless and helpless.

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