Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A Blog for Me

To update, my hair has been cut. I didn't cut it so short that it couldn't be fixed, and although I gave myself some bang I didn't go so far as to where it couldn't he styled. I don't want to push my luck, I just want to be left with options. I'm also realizing as much as I say I don't like to, that I should have dyed my hair and seen how I felt after that. Oh well.

Also, last Saturday I decided to head to my grandparents. To be honest, I was really nervous at first. It's been awhile since I've been there, and the last time wasn't so great to say the least.

I packed up everything I had sewn or cut out, all of Olivia's clothes and some needles and thread to get some hand stitching done. I am more than quite pleased to say that I finally finished the hand sewing of my place mats And Logan's Spongebob quilt has like two more patches left. I was also able to show my grandma all my projects.

One thing I realized while being there [and it physically hurt], is that Centralia is not as bad as I thought I remembered, and that it will always be my home, my sanctuary. There is even a house around the corner from my grandparents for sale, a house that I've always stared at. There are many houses for sale there. I hate living in Federal Way, seriously. It does nothing for my anxiety and it's too chaotic and crowded and I don't feel safe or like there's anywhere to go, I feel isolated and it will just get worse when Olivia is here.

My anxiety was gone, vanished. For the first time in a Long time I felt at peace at my grandparents, and that's how it should've always been. I relaxed and Logan had a blast playing with my grandpa, literally in hysterics. I will say I didn't like him playing upstairs with the smoke but this wasn't an every day thing and I'm not going to deprive them of Logan because of it.

I actually ventured out of the house with Logan, on my own, and had a great time doing it, and for the first time I wasn't stressed about the trip or the destination or what next's.

First stop, Safeway for donuts and orange juice. Logan really enjoyed this, as did the old ladies stopping him to ask what he had in his little bag. He was quite excited.

We went to Michael's for embroidery thread where they had an 80% off sale on Halloween stuff. We found Charlie Brown! I paid like $.89 for some crafts and put them in the Halloween box til next year. I also picked up some Charlie Brown ceramics for Logan to paint.

My grandma from France called. She hasn't gotten the letter yet, or the thousands of pictures I sent her. Just the Halloween card with a picture of Logan and Olivia. She loved it and was excited that she could actually make out Olivia's face. Apparently in all the ultrasounds I sent before she couldn't see Logan. She also informed me she isn't wild about the name Olivia but that it wasn't her decision. She was all in all very happy though, which I will say surprises me. So, hopefully the letter and pictures I sent will help keep that mood up. I was also informed that I will be receiving 2-3 packages, or rather the kids will over the next month or two. One is en route. For this I am Very curious and Very excited. I can't wait til Olivia's is here. She picked out such wonderful stuff for Logan.

Logan had a blast painting his ceramics and Dot taught me a faster way to embroider since I drove her nuts with my methods. It was my first time, I had no idea what I was doing and she's practically a professional with a ton of notches under her belt in various sewing projects.

My uncle was very nice, he even had me run to Staples for him and hooked me up with some printing paper and delicious lasagna seeing as how I couldn't find anything else to eat.

I really had a great time and would've stayed longer had I not thought I had an appointment at 10am Monday morning. [it was canceled due to someone's water breaking]

My dad did manage to stop by for a few minutes. It hurts to say that I'm 99% sure he's mad at me or what not over the dispute me and his wife got in to. Every time I went to talk he cut me off. Should I have expected different?

November 4th was my sperm donors birthday. The day before I found myself talking about him and thinking about him without realizing, and have found myself thinking about him ever since. This bothers me. You can't change who a person is just by loving them. I miss his laughter, and his smile. I miss actually talking to him, without the drama, without him being strung out, or flipping out on me. I miss the way he was when he last held Logan. To be honest, I miss all my family and the laughter and smiles they contained.

I find myself half tempted to knock on his door, to see if he still lives there. To tell him he has two grandchildren now. To see if He wants to come over for dinner. To see how he's doing, if he's gotten his act together yet. I find myself not having my hopes set for anything, just wondering. I feel like this thought won't go away unless I do it. *sigh*


Tristan was drug to the craft store where he did a Great job helping me pick out Thanksgiving fabric for place mats before revealing to me how stressful picking out matching fabric was. He did manage to find a great one for Christmas before his stop. I also got the rest of the backing for the dog quilt. I am now armed with more than enough to do, specifically for the holidays.

He got Windows 7 and I put my Microsoft Office on his computer and now I have my own log in. I've been transferring all my pictures to the computer so that I might organize them and access them at a reasonable speed without crashing and freezing. I have about 25GB of files to go through and I know a lot to delete. I'm working on it. Two days straight now.

Last night Tristan made home made rolls and more cheddar broccoli soup. After we ate we watched The Walking Dead and I got sicker than hell. I spent the rest of the night in bed with really bad heart burn, the inability to move and my stomach ever so tight. I haven't decided if it's Olivia in a bad spot or something else. I just know I feel hung over as all hell, exhausted, drained, sick and my stomach still hurts... and I still have heart burn. I just want to sleep but Tristan worked graveyard, so later.

In the mean time, I think that I did quite a bit with my pictures and today is a day to get some sewing, if not embroidery or cutting done. I'm quite pleased at my hand stitching! ♥

Oh, 95.7 is playing Christmas music. I found it on my drive to Centralia. I tell you what, I don't normally listen to Christmas music, and last year I couldn't find any at all on the radio. We listened to it the whole way there and every trip since. It's so comforting this year, it reminds me of home, or what home should be like, it reminds me of my grandma's. I'm going to drive Tristan nuts with it, not my intentions.

Logan's favorite so far is Jingle Bells, I kid you not every time it comes on he takes it upon himself to sing Jingle Bells. Bahahahhaahaha! Love that kid. ♥

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