Our Magic Number

I'll be the first to admit that I need me time. The kids are hanging on me 24/7 and sometimes when I sleep. I can never catch a break but I love them more than anything in the world. It might come as a surprise to some, or maybe not, but I have always wanted a ton of kids. I was one of three, and my sister was ten years younger so I don't count it since she's her own generation. My grandpa, one of seven and my teacher Mr. Callero, one of sixteen or seventeen. Now, I don't want That many  but I was hoping for four.

My brother and sister do not want kids and if it happens it will be ten years off so when Tristan and I started dating I was quite excited to meet all his nieces and nephews. His family is a big family and I wanted to add to that. Recently there's been debate as if that is going to happen and it literally breaks my heart.

Our magic number is TWO.

And I'll tell you why.

1. Right now he's the only one working and more kids would be stretching us thinner. While I object to have more kids this year on finances alone I was at least hoping to have more next year.
2. When it comes to getting out $X.xx is multiplied by our family household. Right now it would be $30-40 to eat out. The more heads the less chances of us eating out. While this isn't enough of a sacrifice, this also applies to family trips to the zoos, museums, parks and other activities. We both want to be able to do this often with our children. 
3. 1/1 Ratio. Right now if Olivia wants daddy chances are Logan is going to want mommy and I'm okay with that. Tristan feels if we have more kids that someone is going to get left out. All I have to say is he obviously doesn't see the pig pile the kids make on me while he's sleeping. I get his way of thinking but to me it's just more love to go around. 
4. Growing up! This hits the hardest at the moment. The less kids we have the more we can provide for them in areas of school clothes, supplies and activities as well as when it comes time for them to start driving and eventually going to college. We want to be able to help as much as possible. Right now with Logan hitting a growth spurt and the kids needing transitional weather clothing the impact is becoming a reality of a future nightmare. 
5. Babysitters. While we have and would babysit Tristan's nieces and nephews more (the numbers are in the masses) we already have a hard time getting someone to watch just our two. If we had more kids the probability would go down dramatically and as I've stated, We've had four dates in almost three years. 
6. Overpopulation. While I honestly wish I could have 16 kids, and the patience to go with, the reality is even if could afford it that is just a Huge environmental impact. Those 16 kids will go on to have kids of their own and so on and I already have anxiety about current resources, costs and demands and the impact it will have on my kids and grand kid's future. (yes, I did say grand kids, and yes my kids are not even in school yet)

I love my kids more than anything in the world. It's probably unhealthy. I think they are the most amazing little thing the world has to offer and I would do anything for them. I have picture shrines on my wall, scrap books and photo books, collections of data and facts about them, any scribble they've ever made. They make my heart burst from my chest, they're my whole life.

I anticipate growing up with them, I anticipate their future lives, careers and spouses. I anticipate mostly being a grandmother and support system for them as they try and navigate their lives. They make me curious again, and hopeful. I always thought growing up that my life sucked so bad that some day something good would come to me. God gave me family .