I find myself some what tired as I start out this day. A couple days ago I asked Tristan to leave for a couple days. Not because I didn't want to be with him or because I don't love him but because I realize I've become so dependent on him and I needed some space and I needed to know that I can still do things on my own.
When he's here I feel like my schedule revolves around his and all I want to do is see him and spend time with him. As great as that is it doesn't always happen and I get frustrated wasting my whole day. Then I get angry at him when really he didn't do anything. It was me.
My Tristan does a lot, he helps out with Logan mostly and sometimes it frustrates me because I did it all on my own before he was even someone I knew I loved. And now I feel like I don't know what I'm doing.
This week for the first time in a while I got to put Logan to bed And wake up with him Allllll through out the night just because he couldn't sleep or had to pee or simply wanted to be in bed with me and for the first time in more than a while I put him back in his bed instead of giving in. I know this cost me HOURS of sleep but it had to be done. Quite specifically, last night, Logan woke up... five or six times. The last time being at 7:30am He sleeps until at Least 8am and I was Not ready to wake up and with all his waking up I figured No Way is he ready to wake up. I was wrong. He laid in my bed with me waking me up nearly every time I fell asleep til I felt like the Grinch that Wanted to steal Christmas. I just wanted to cry and scream. I'm so tired on top of being pregnant.
At the same time it's kind of satisfying knowing that I can still get out of bed, take care of my child, not want to wake up in the morning and still somehow manage to burn the one thing I've been making all my life and knock out some chores. Before Tristan I woke up with Logan all through out the night, I stayed up later, I breastfed, I woke up before Logan did and I had time to myself in the mornings. I have No recollection as to how this was all possible just that once Tristan and I started dating my schedule flipped to his and I lost my me time.
I think the part that smarts is Tristan telling me how tired he is and how he needs sleep because he's getting up with Logan, him trying to give me advice on how to handle him when I feel like hey... wait a minute. I did all this without you and now you want to tell me how it is? Then I feel guilty because I feel like I'm doing something wrong.
I want time to spend with Logan, to say hey, I still know how to take care of my child, to relax and clean the things I can't otherwise clean and not have to worry about tornadoes following after. I want time to sew and cook and not have to worry about being quiet or planning my day around someone else. I want time to sit at the computer and write and think about my life. I want time to just dilly dally. I want time to mess up and know that these are my mistakes, that I forgot to vacuum or I forgot to load the dishwasher or put the clothes in the dryer. I want time to not be so angry and resentful.
To be honest, I miss the days when we first started dating and even when we spent every waking moment together I still got messaged on facebook or texted how much I was missed. I miss the beginning of our relationship and the excitement and while there is the comfort of knowing that Tristan has put up with a lot from me and he's not going anywhere and now we're going to have a child together and I get to spend the rest of my life with the greatest man God could've given me ... I miss date night. I miss getting out of the house and taking time for each other. I miss the extra effort put in to "hellos" and "good byes", the "I miss yous".
I'm hoping that by the time that Tristan comes home I will have missed him so much that all the rest just goes out the window. I know I'm in a relationship for the long haul I'm just seeking some self satisfying independence. Which isn't to say that I can't stop calling or texting him to share something silly or just to hear his voice. I love him more than words could ever convey. This is what I get for falling in love with the boy next door so to speak.
More so, this is what I get for not writing in so long and hopefully for anyone who actually reads this it won't always be like this. I think the next couple of days I'll go post happy and take a chill pill to the norm??? Maybe.