Monday, September 20, 2010

Oh Tristan, My Tristan

I met Tristan in the 5th grade. To be honest, I don't know how it started. I just remember being scared as hell to go In to his house and one day making a wish that he would ask me out. The next day he did and I of course said, "No." In all the commotion he turned to my "best friend" at the time and asked her out.

I was pretty pissed at him and don't remember seeing him again until after high school, or maybe we were in high school, but it was at the mall where you take the surveys. I remember sitting there waiting my turn and he walks by, all professional like and handsome as ever. What could I say? Remember me? We played together in 5th grade? I turned you down??? Ya, no. I said nothing and admired from afar.

Years later in the midst of drama and chaos, after having had my heart broken and ripped out numerous times, I began to think. I was being pursued by an old friend, but I didn't want the drama and all he had to not offer. I wanted something real, I wanted someone to want me for me and accept me and all I was. I now had a son and I wanted someone to take him in as their own and love us both unconditionally.

I thought about this long and hard, about all my mistakes and how it was time to grow up. I thought about wanting to get married and start a life, a family. And I prayed. I prayed for a sign. I prayed specifically for what I wanted, what I needed. I prayed that God knew I was ready to be serious in my relationships, I prayed for a lot of things which are personal to me. And I knew that I would wait until I got what I needed.

I planned on waiting a year, maybe more. In all reality it was less than a week. Facebook. Who knew? It started sending all these requests for people that I had known in high school, people I had grown up with. I started thinking, could this be him? Could this old friend of mine be the guy I spend the rest of my life with? Or have I not met him yet? True [pathetic] story [of most typical girl brains].

I found myself being tugged in one direction all the while knowing that this is what I had always had and that it was a terrible choice. Then, *bing*, "Friend Tristan Haynes". Curiosity got the best of me and I was instantly wrapped up in all he was. I was in the middle of a book and he was doing some writing of his own. The more I talked to him the more I realized how much I cared for him, how much I Could care for him. We had a lot in common and he inspired me to be a better person. [we hadn't hung out at this point, Lots of talking]

Then, he was throwing a bbq at the lake. I wanted to go but tried talking myself out of it and imagined all the worst possible scenarios one can imagine when in first pursuit. Luckily, a friend of mine informed me that if I didn't go I would be making the biggest mistake ever and regret it for the rest of my life. I knew she was right, I had no idea How right at the time. So I went, in my over heated, rusted and busted car, completely embarrassed and hoping for something good.

What I got instead was something great. I spent hours talking to Tristan without any awkwardness or sly passes. Logan did his part in instantly hooking him in and I couldn't get enough. As I felt the day start to end I felt really sad because I didn't want to see him go. I knew I couldn't Let him go.

Luckily for me I left the worst picture ID I've Ever taken in his backpack and had to go pick it up and to be honest with you, that moment outside sitting and talking and laughing I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

We later that week went on our first date, my first time alone from Logan. I had the most amazing time ever and all the while wondered what was next and when our first kiss would be. Luckily I'm impatient and didn't wait more than a week to kiss him and soon after we started dating and soon after I fell in love.

We've spent all of our time together since our first date over a year ago and though it has its ups and downs I can't get it out of my head how lucky I am to have everything I ever wanted in someone that loves me.

He loves me for me, absolutely and unconditionally and I've fought with him over it for months because I just can't seem to wrap my head around how that is possible.

He does so much for me, he's always there for me, he knows how to make me laugh, he's annoyingly patient when I'm... not, he's tolerant of my extremities, he's sweet and thoughtful even if in little ways that my stubborn butt doesn't always see. Maybe not so much romantic of charming but he knows how to cuddle and he knows how to kiss. He knows how to love me when I can't love myself. He's a Great father, he's everything I ever wanted and so much more.

I guess this is my way in so many words of saying that I love you Tristan. I love you with all that I have and all that I am and I'm sorry for not always showing it. I'm sorry for being so stubborn. I'm sorry for pushing you away and acting like I don't need you because I do. I don't know where I would be or who I would be without you and it scares me to think that I could lose you. You're the greatest thing that's ever happened to me and I have no problem telling the world. I'm lucky you love me. You really are everything I could have ever wanted or imagined or asked for and sooo much more.

I can't wait til February, I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you and right now I can't wait til you get home, though I am enjoying missing you. <3

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