Tristan and I endured couples counseling for about a minute, but long enough to learn some things I haven't let go. It drives him nuts when we fight and I scream or he sees me scream and fight with my family and then act like nothing happened the next day... it's what I've become accustomed to unfortunately and I'd love to change it.
He said he tolerated enough screaming and yelling as he was growing up and that it stresses him out. I say to him, it must be nice. He ended up with the family he always wanted, functional and loving, and we went from yelling loud and mean to yelling louder and meaner, which isn't to say it didn't have it's good points... which Is my point.
I grew up with chaos, drama and yelling and to be honest a little bit of smacking. Thing is, my family was there for me. My dad would pick me up every weekend to hang out, to go see my grandparents, for strawberry milk and donuts. We would float down the river in the summer time. My uncle was there for me in the best ways he could be, he'd take me in as one of his own and invite me along on trips. We'd all go fishing at 3-4am. I used to go skating and bowling. I used to be surrounded by my family to the point where it'd make you sick and now... I am all alone.
I think I lost them about the time I turned 17-18yrs old. I'm a big girl now? I can do it on my own? For years it was hello's here and there and not so much more as a glance.
Call me stupid but I thought that in having my son I might get the opportunity to see my family again in the fact that they might actually want to know him. Boy was I wrong. Ya, I'm sure they love me and I'm sure they love him but does it do good for the feelings when your own dad can't come visit you to see his grandson after he's born? Does it not hurt that you have to wait roughly 3 months for them to meet?
Does it not hurt more that your entire family starts to distance themselves as you actually try and get your life in order? Should I feel okay that no one could celebrate his first birthday formally? That my own mother rushed around that morning and couldn't help me make his cakes and then as the party started went birthday shopping and showed up late only to whine and complain that there was no food left and she was hungry? How rude of me!?!??! Not only that but the games I had set were turned in to jokes and cuss words and derogatory terms were strewn all over them while every body laughed and said, Logan will think it's funny when he's older. I spent my sons first birthday crying my eyes out, completely hurt.
Tristan ended up making it better by making him a beautiful formal cake and going the distance to help me celebrate my sons birthday and his family was there to help eat the cake. His family, whom I had known for just a few short months.
Some people think that I'm spoiled, that I'm oh so lucky and blah blah blah. Yes, I love that I have no mother that I can talk to when I'm having a bad day or call just to share something good with her. When I call my mother I get a, "what are you doing?" I say my words and good or bad I get cut off to listen to hours of her bitching and problems and when I interrupt to say, "hey, I called you, III need to talk!" I get called a selfish rude bitch and hung up on. When I try and do family functions I get stood up at the last minute by pathetic excuses, and I know the woman. I grew up with her. I know how to get out of anything with all the stories I've heard and I can tell when someone can't show up and wants to and when they don't want to.
My biological sperm donor, another great example of disappointment in my life. Show up every couple months or more whenever the new girlfriend needs to see how great of a person he is because "he has a daughter" only to skip out for a year or more. I can't recall the countless fall throughs, or the shitty enough fourth of July I was having only to have him say, "Hey, come spend it with me.... but you have to drive because I've been drinking and on the way to our destination you'll say something I didn't hear right and deck you in the face because of it... but it's okay... I love you and you should take that shit." I am not your mother, I am not your girlfriend. I am not a weak person and I will Not tolerate violence or offenses against me. Months went by before we talked again, maybe more. Never anything nice to say.
When I went in to labor though, he was there when it was over and brought me flowers and ordered pizza and picked up My diapers, ya I said it. For the next two months he would come by now and again to hold Logan and see him, make jokes at me and the final words I longed to hear .... "I missed out on your life and wasn't there for you when you were growing up and I want to be here for Logan. I'll be by to bbq next Thursday." That was the last time I heard from him.
My uncle, who used to think it was funny to call himself uncle dad, was awesome. He would take me in as his own and I would spend the weekend there and help out with the kids and have delicious food and just... relax. They would go places and I was invited. He took care of me for some time... then along with his marriage our relationship fell apart and our long conversations turned in to middle fingers and rude remarks. Now when I see him I don't know if I should say hi or not and it really doesn't matter because when I think we're getting along we're really not and for god only knows why.
I am currently forbidden to call my mom until I apologize to my sister. I have been trying to spend time with my sister for years, my mom finds it annoying and would yell at my sister and ground her from talking to me or stepping foot in my room. Upon my moving out this was no exception. For the last 8 months I have invited my sister over to stay the night, watch chick flicks, eat junk food and do something with me only to be blown off with the all too well excuses. I have also made the effort to invite both of them, as well as the rest of my family, over for breakfast, lunch or dinner, anything to see them, spend time with them and get them to come check out my new home, something I'm proud of. But no. Still here, all by myself.
So, in constantly inviting my sister to come visit and her never being able to make it I told her a month ago if she can't visit me by the time her birthday rolls around them I'm not making her cake or coming to visit. I am expected to do all the traveling. I was told that I have a recent interest in my sister that is unjustified, I am told she has school and I am being irrational... I've been asking for 8 months and when I lived with her tried spending time with her all the time. I am personally hurt by this but it's her that I should apologize to. Damn me for wanting to spend time with my sister, the only person in my family that doesn't drink and I can Do stuff with. I'm such a bitch.
The recent conflict being that nobody in my family came to celebrate my birthday, or Logan's. Yes, we got cards and yes we were thankful but those in close proximity ceased to exist on those specific days. This is the first year in my life without a birthday cake and yes, I am still bitter about this.
When I made plans for Logan's birthday I gave plenty of notice. The morning of, surprise suprise, every excuse in the book. My "what I thought was my best friend at the time" called and scheduled and appointment the day before for That day and showed up for five minutes and made it a point Not to stay, my step dad became unavoidably detained and my mother, brother and sister??? Who knows. Once again, Logan spent his birthday with the entirety of Tristan's family. But, I am the bitch that talks about them like they're perfect, and I offend Your feelings because you weren't there and they were.
My step dad was there for me for what feels like 2.5 seconds. We had some good bonding time until his [ex]girlfriend came back. Apparently he can't prioritize or share his time because the only time he sees fit to call anyone is when no one else is home. He came over for breakfast and dinner a little while, but he got a new roommate and suggests I come over on the days they'll be gone. I am hurt. I just want to spend some down time with him, talking to him and getting to know him.
I love my dad [not my step dad and not my sperm donor] but my Dad more than anything in the world. I miss spending time with him, I miss calling him and more so I miss him calling me. I miss the road trips and camping trips, I miss going out to dinner and spending the night at his house and just watching Sopranos. To be honest with you, my father is ... an alcoholic. I went through my bouts with it but have come to accept it because I don't care. I just want to see him and enjoy his company. However, this time we spent together, this lack of effort has turned to something else, a great void. Our phone calls he doesn't always remember, his remarks are sometimes rude and offensive... and when I get the rare opportunity to travel in his direction I like to see him. If I call and invite him over for dinner, or to let him know I'm in town... he Might stop by, it Might be for more than five minutes.
I was recently lectured by my step mom that my dad works, and that he's a good man and that he's stressed out and that they can't drop everything when I come in to town... Well, Excuse Me! I'm under stress, I made the effort to travel an hour in your direction which Maybe happens once every couple months, more if I'm lucky and I want to freaking see my dad. I didn't know I was such a damn obligation. I didn't know that seeing me and Logan was going out of the way or interrupting important memories at the bar. I didn't know that I'm completely void of emotion.
I am not trying to be rude or insult anyone or make them hate me or hurt their feelings, but whether or not you're trying to you're being rude to me, you're insulting me, you're making me hate you and MY feelings Are hurt. I am quite bitter about all of this, I am quite hurt and frustrated.
My counselor advised me in fact to just not talk to anyone in my family, to stop making the calls and the effort. To stop trying and just try to go without talking to them, for my own sanity. I cried, how could I not talk to them and just cut them off... She gave me a puzzled look and said, "How is that different from now Amanda?" I spent Hours crying over my family, or the lack there of. It has hurt my relationship with Tristan, I find myself so hurt and angry all the time and worse yet taking it out on Tristan. He is suffering for being one of the few people in my life not to give up on me.
I miss my brother. I miss talking to him every day, understanding him, sharing with him, calling him, texting him and having him here. We grew up and we went in to two different directions and we let our past relationships get in the way of Our relationship and I feel like I've lost him. I talked to him this morning on facebook, I talk to him now and again. But I miss him. I feel like a part of me is missing without him in my life.
I love my sister but I'm so sick of everyone acting like she is four years old. She's not a child anymore. And I'm tired of hearing, she's all alone, you had your brother, she's like an only child. I'm not jealous of her, I would give my life for her. I'm irritated at my mom. Where was she when I was growing up. She was never home, I was always watching my brother and sister. My brother and I had chores at like 6-7 yrs old and she's almost 15 and barely does what we did at her age. My mom never went to my track meets, never went to my practices, never bought me pictures of that once in a life time moment. My mom has barely missed a practice for my sister and she has pictures plastered everywhere. I got a Super Nintendo and a N64 growing up, when I left one weekend I came back to them being in my brother's room because he is a boy and I shouldn't have gotten those. My sister has a Wii, Play Station 3, Xbox, Game Cube, DS, PSP and anything else at her disposal in a matter of days. I was informed that she recently took a trip to North fucking Bend for socks. $20 for 3 pairs of socks. My socks couldn't be more than five dollars and my Shoes couldn't be more than $20. In fact, I'm 99% sure that my dad or my uncle funded my entire junior high and highschool years. If they didn't take me shopping I didn't get it and if my dad didn't give me lunch money I got pizza crust that day from my friends. My mom had no time for me, no effort for me. And for her to constantly Baby my sister and let her do anything without ever having to Do anything kinda pisses me off. Ya, I buy my son things and I can already print pages on what to buy my unborn daughter, but I want what they need. And my son helps me load and unload the washer and dryer, unload the dishwasher, put away groceries and clean things up... he just turned 2. He's freaking amazing. He Wants to help. He's going to know discipline and respect.
If my mom so much as offers a kind gesture my sister throws a Huge fit and that's the end of the world. Yes, my mom has helped me with my previous pregnancy and bits and pieces when she can now since we moved in. What I Really want is her ass to drive up here and make the effort to come have dinner or watch a movie, or come hang out. What I really want from anyone is their company, not their money. My brother recently said, ya you can flash your money here and there and pay for all the things in the world but without you there there's no face to that money and it means nothing.
I'm tired of fall through people. I've been around them my whole life and it's all I know, I don't want to be a fall through person.
I would like to say that I do love my family, a Lot more than I should according to most, but I can't let go and I can't give up. I just want to see them, to laugh with them and hear them talk. I miss their stories most and as I type this I find the tears welling up in my eyes. Yes, I am 25 years old. Yes, I am capable of decisions. But how much longer can I be the only one making the effort?
I would also like to say that I am completely and utterly grateful for my grandparents more than anything in the entire world. I love them more than words can say and this irritates people. My grandma has loved me unconditionally and has been fully supportive of me my whole life, even when she doesn't always agree with my decisions. My grandparents have always done everything they could for me and I don't know where I would be without them. I know they're getting older and weaker and that soon enough my life will continue on without them, but I say to you honestly, I don't know how when they've been such a big part of it.
I'm sorry for this rant. I'm hoping that in typing it up and publishing in to the inter-web I can release it and let it go, that I can stop thinking about it every single day and stop it from eating at me. I'm hoping to close this gash that has become me.
I've been hoping for the courage to tell everyone to just piss off and tell them how much they hurt me, no matter how old I am, you're never too old to feel.